The hardest part of this fertility nightmare by far, for me, is my reactions to other people's pregnancy and birth stories. Where I once felt pain at being around their children and babies, I now can be happy with that part. I still covet the pregnancy and birth experience.
Within the surrogacy community, it seems to be taboo for an "intended mother" to admit that. When one does make such a comment, the message boards go crazy with "not ready" and "hasn't accepted her infertility" or "jealousy issues." I have an issue with that, obviously.
I am ready -- hell, I'm here aren't I? If I had not accepted my body's inability to carry a baby to term I wouldn't be looking at surrogacy at all. I'd be right back to timing sex, putting my legs up for 20 minutes, taking my temperature every morning, charting, peeing on OPKs. I wouldn't be stashing obscene amounts of money aside to compensate someone else to do something that I would much rather do myself.
I will always have issues with how my body was formed. I will always wish that I could be pregnant. I will always long to feel my baby kicking from the inside. I will always wish that I had the option of an unmedicated "natural birth."
Those are things that I will always wish for, but know that I will never have.
I thank God that there is
someone out there willing to do for me what my body can't.
