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   Friday, July 28, 2006  

I was rather surprised this morning to wake up to find I was in the very early moments of CD1. I quit taking the medication that kept my milk production up to a still-not-adequate supply quite some time ago. I quit pumping in June. Until a week ago, I was manually expressing milk to freeze once a day (getting a maximum of one ounce, generally less).

I expected cd1 for two weeks. And yet it just never came. And I quit expecting it, because clearly it wasn't going to come any time soon. I continue to produce a not-at-all-adequate-but-still-very-there supply of milk. My son continues to want to nurse at the beginning of every feeding, though for increasingly shorter periods of time. The longest he nursed today was 10 minutes with 5 minutes being the most common length of time. He refuses my left breast altogether and has for such a long time that I haven't even bothered to offer it to him.

I know that with the lowercase reaching 9 months of age on my 29th birthday this Monday, my body is unlikely to respond to any measures to re-lactate. And to be honest, I might be ok with that. I still want to nurse my son and will still offer him the breast first until he refuses steadily or until I completely stop producing (my guess is that the two events will coincide).

In other news, the lowercase and I will be visiting my family for the next two weeks. Mr. W will join us in a week and a half. I will have both my laptop and high-speed internet connections, but I have no idea how likely I will be to update. Let's face it...even at home under optimal conditions my posting is spotty at best.

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I know this isn't going to completely fix your supply problem, but many women have a significant dip in supply right before and during their periods. One thing that helps is taking extra calcium supplements during that time. I hope it helps a little bit.

   Tuesday, July 25, 2006  


Last week some friends of ours delivered their first baby, a girl. Our friend's wife had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy. Things went very smoothly. She had a baby shower that the lowercase and I attended. This morning, our friend sent us the link to the website he has set up for photos of his daughter.

And I realized something disgusting about myself. I resent them. I hate that they had it easy. I'm angry that she is able to breastfeed exclusively. I actually hate that they are happy.

I wished all of that for them, because of course I didn't want them to go through what I went through. So why does their normalcy make me feel diminished? Why do I feel less? Why am I so resentful of what I didn't have? What I do have is pretty damn good -- better than I ever imagined. My son is perfect. He's big, he's healthy, he's strong.

And still I feel less than. I feel not quite good enough.

I guess I really haven't come to grips with the way things were for me. I love my son. I love our life. But I haven't fully mourned my inability to carry to term...my inability to exclusively breastfeed.

And I haven't come to terms with the high likelihood that I will never have another biological child.

Somehow, now, for me, seeing people with their new babies is hard when it shouldn't be. I feel it as keenly as I did during the time when I was constantly becoming pregnant and miscarrying. They have what I can't have. They have potential to have more. And based on logic and sound reasoning...I really don't have that. I'm back in the emotional mindset of my pre-lowercase days...resenting everyone who can have it all so easily regardless of the fact that I have the most perfect little boy imaginable.

I just wish I knew how I could get rid of the resentment that I feel so often.

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  Comments about my post, "Why?":
I just blogged about something similar--hating pregnant women even though I'm finally pregnant myself. I suspect healing is a matter of time, though I wish I knew how long it would take. Given everything you went through, I think it's perfectly normal for you to resent people who have it so much easier. But remember, you're a great mom and you have a beautiful son--just because the road to get there was rocky doesn't mean you're "less than."
What you feel is so normal. I went through something very similar, in that I was never able to have another biological child and when my ex-husband's new wife gave birth effortlessly to two kids, I felt such hate and pain. (He divorced me for many reasons, but one was that he wanted more biological children and I couldn't have them).
Give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself.
We are all given different burdens to bear in life. Your friends were not given the burden of difficulty conceiving or breastfeeding, but they surely have their own set of burdens nonetheless. We all do. The best you can do for yourself and your family is to be thankful for your blessings, which it sounds like you are; and wish many blessings on others, which it sounds like in this case, with your friends and their new baby, you did. And don't beat yourself up over natural feelings of resentment; childbirth is something very close to home for you. Give yourself time to come to terms with your feelings.
It does sound like you need to take some time to grieve what you feel you have missed out on. And Carmen is right -- just because it appears that your friend (and every other pregnant woman/mom with newborn) has had it easy, doesn't mean that is actually the case. What you feel is normal, but hopefully not how you'll be feeling forever. You're definitely not "less than" any other mother, regardless of how you got there.
I'm not sure that ever goes away. Not entirely. I think its a craving for others to understand and appreciate life the way you do, but without having to go through what you did. Like a courage badge. It makes no logical sense, but it's there, nonetheless.
I have thought about your post since you wrote it, debating wheter to comment or not.
Not because I'm judging you, but because I'm so there with you and I feel pretty conflicted about it.
My issue is breastfeeding, as my daughter won't nurse and she'll only take bottles with expressed milk. While I'm happy, and proud of being able to give her my milk exclusively I'm crazily jealous and resentful of women who are able to nurse, especially when they don't give breastfeeding a second thought. My husband's sister is breastfeeding (not exclusively, as her supply is inadequate) her baby despite having had a breast reduction, and she tells me she only wants to do it "to try the experience and to save money." I swear I could kill her, I hate her so much... but I am really only jealous!
You're not alone, and your feelings are more than natural. At least, that's what I keep repeating myself.

   Sunday, July 23, 2006  

Help me, Internets!

My lowercase is getting bigger. He now weighs somewhere between 17 and 20 lbs...not sure exactly as we don't have a baby scale and I weighed him on the regular bathroom scale.

Obviously, he is very soon to leave the infant car seat. Which means he can no longer use the snap'n'go as his stroller.

We have a full-size stroller that works for Mr. W's car. But we do not have one that works for my car. For I am stupid. And I drive a Volkswagen New Beetle. It is a really great car...turbo...fun to drive...nice and zippy. But with a trunk that sucks rocks.

The trunk is, obviously, rounded and oddly shaped. I have tried every stroller in BRU and NONE of them fit in it. Correction...one of them fits, but I HATE it. The Combi something or other fits. But it feels flimsy to me, makes my son look like a monstrously large boy (and he is still small for chronological age) and generally just blows.

I have tried the Peg Pliko P3 and the Aria MT. I have tried various Chiccos. I have tried the Maclaren Volo and Triumph. And not a damn one of them fit in my trunk. I even tried the cheap-ass $10 umbrella strollers and none of them fit in -- all too long.

Here's where you come in, oh Interweb. Do you have a Beetle? Do you know someone who does? Have you EVER seen a stroller that fits? And no, I do not want the stroller to ride in the passenger area with us (seriously...hit a bump, stroller falls over and whacks baby in head? I think not). I want a compact stroller that is of good quality (note our first choices were the Pegs or the Maclarens). I want one that is rated for high weights as I don't want to go through this again when he's a couple years old. I'm not opposed to spending up to $300, but really don't think Mr. W will allow me to spend any more than that.

I've seen that Britax has a new lightweight stroller...the Preview something or other...but cannot seem to find dimensions for it anywhere. Also wondering about any other European stroller companies since they tend to drive smaller cars and I might be more likely to find one that will fit.

(Also, if you have any preferences on carseats tell me about them. What seat do you like and what's so great about it?)

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  Comments about my post, "Help me, Internets!":
can't help you with strollers, but as far as car seats go, britax seats are the best. the great safety ratings, easy installation and straps that won't twist all up on you make it worth the hefty price tag.
The dimensions for the Britax stroller is: 7”H x 12”W x 49”L

We had to replace our snap and go which fit snug, but fit, in the trunk of our Civic. I replaced the snap and go with the Chicco stroller and absolutely love it. I don't use it for long days but it is great for quit trips.

As far as carseats, we just went through that to. Britax out weighs everyone. Graco's Comfort sport coming in second. I have a Britax and borrowed a Graco for a trip. I could definitely tell the difference and was missing my Britax by the end. Plus, all other carseats only go to 40lbs. 40 inches where the Britax models (except the Roundabout) go to 65lbs. and 49 inches! That gives you and extra couple years!!
Being an SUV and Perego P3 owner, I've got nothing on the stroller side that'll help you--plus, it sounds like you've really done your homework. Hope you find something that you like and that fits!

As for the car seat, after J outgrew the SnugRide, we went with a Britax Roundabout, good to 40 lbs. It's got the great safety ratings, easy installation, plush fabric in some cool patterns (I've got the hawaiian print in my car--pink, yellow, blue, green--while A has a subdued grey swirly pattern in his man-mobile). They were $199 each, we got ours at Target, where they're a little less than BRU or online merchants. The Roundabout is rated to 65 lbs. but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it since J is a bit of a 'petite flower' so we've got a good amount of time.

FYI, when we fly, we brought the Britax with us and it was a tight fit but it made it into the seat. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case you ever need to/decide to fly with the lowercase and he has his own seat.

Good luck!
Sorry, I meant to say the Britax Marathon is rated to 65 lbs., not the Roundabout!
Hello I am a lurker on your blog..lol

I have the Eddie Bauer Alpha Omega 3 in 1 carseat for my son it goes from 5 to 80 or is it 100 pounds, he loves it he has been in it since he was 5 months old he is 10.5months now and only 17.5 pounds.
The aria fits in my new beetle trunk with the cd changer!

Also the inglesina espresso should fit.

   Friday, July 21, 2006  

Yesterday the lowercase's third tooth made its debut.

It appears not to be a central incisor, but rather the lateral incisor on the right.

Interestingly, my teeth came in a similar fashion. Mine started with the lower lateral incisors, then the upper, then the central incisors. I find it really strange, though, that his teeth started coming in the normal order before deviating.

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   Saturday, July 15, 2006  

I am in love. With a TV show.

The World Series of Pop Culture is exactly the quiz show I needed to kick Mr. W's ass! The movies! The celebrities! The 80s lyrics! I know them all.

Seriously, this show is the People-and-Us Weekly-addict's Jeopardy. Not that I don't rock at Jeopardy, because I do...most of the time. But this show? Eliminates all that useless stuff like "geography" (my nemesis!).

And, for the first time in my life, I feel compelled to try out for the next season if they do it again.

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   Thursday, July 13, 2006  

You know you're a mom when...

It's 10 minutes to 4 and you're still wearing the t-shirt you "borrowed" from your husband to sleep in the night before. With no pants. Because obviously that is just too much effort.

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I had a day like that today and I'm waaay past having an infant. (daughter is 29) I think sometimes you just need a little down time. In your case, it's a little relax time while you're taking care of the baby.
Did Hubby think you looked cute?

   Friday, July 07, 2006  

The TEETH! Oh my damn! The TEETH!

My little man currently possesses two teeth. Two bony calcified daggers protruding from his precious lower jaw. And he's attempting to get more. He seems to want at least one stalactite from the upper jaw to go with the evil stalagmites on the lower.

All I know is that I HATE THEM! I'm no longer taking any medication to help produce milk. I am also no longer pumping (I actually returned the evil Lactina effectively breaking up with a machine who has been closer to my body in many ways than my husband these last eight months). But I don't want the nursing to end. I love my time with my son and just can't seem to let go of it. So we nurse at every feeding before I allow him the bottle that gives him most of his nutrients.

For the past few days? He's been biting me REPEATEDLY at every feeding to the point that I often can't continue to nurse him for several feedings in a row. I'm raw almost to the point of bleeding. I've had to break out the manual pump (the piston from the Lactina) and that's not going so well either -- it's hell on the arms trying to get it going.

But I'm not giving up. In fact, I've placed a call to my lactation consultant just to ask how I can prevent his biting and continue on.

   [ posted  @ 8:38 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (3) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The TEETH! Oh my damn! The TEETH!":
All the lactation people will try to make you feel guilty. I'm here to tell you, Teeth no, bloody boobs, no! I nursed until I waas bitten and it drew blood! Then we went to bottles. Viva La Evenflo!
I had this problem too, but after my son got used to having teeth, he stopped biting (it took a few days). He started biting again when he got his top teeth, but stopped again.

Now he only seems to bite if I'm not paying enough attention to him (i.e. I try to read or watch TV)while nursing.

Hang in there!

~Brooklyn Girl
Amen. One of my guys has bottom teeth and mostly bites during an early morning feeding when we're both out of it. I've tried the lactation consultant's tips (tell him NO!, ignore him, delatch when the rhythm slows down,...), and the only thing that's kinda worked is delatching him when I think he's getting toward the end. BUT, that doesn't always work, especially when I'm half asleep. Ouch! If I wanted holes in my nipples, I'd go out and get them pierced, thank you very much!
Good luck, and please share any brilliant ideas here, for the rest of us!

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