Miss W -->

   Sunday, November 28, 2004  

Free time? What's that?

Ok, so world's quickest catch-up post.

In the week to come I have:
  • 8-10 page paper due Wednesday analyzing a patient from the viewpoint of a specified personality theorist (I'm leaning toward using Adler, but might opt for Rogers as his approach is rather simplistic). Status: Unstarted.
  • 15-25 minute presentation due Thursday detailing a lesson plan and how it would be assessed, with emphasis placed on appropriateness, fairness, validity and reliability of assessment. Status: 90% complete.
  • First appointment with perinatologist Tuesday for "second opinion" before moving to the RE in NYC.
  • Plan and prepare for party Friday night to watch lights parade, lighting of city Christmas tree, and fireworks display over the river.

Please, don't expect to hear from me before Thursday night. And unless I state that all my work is done? Feel free to yell at me for posting any sooner!

   [ posted  @ 11:32 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (0) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Free time? What's that?":

   Tuesday, November 23, 2004  

Welcome to our pool!

I've spent the last several days in a mad frenzy of cleaning. My house now smells vaguely of a YMCA pool. Yes, the Clorox and the Lysol have been flying. All in an effort to make my mother think that despite the 18 years she witnessed my bedroom on a daily basis, I am, in fact, a neat freak. So tonight she'll arrive for Thanksgiving, and she'll smile and tell me how lovely my home is. And then on Sunday, she'll get in the car, turn to my stepdad and say, "We've raised a fine little actress."

   [ posted  @ 9:11 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Welcome to our pool!":
If your mother is like my MIL she will think you got cleaners in.

Hope thankgiving turns out ok.

   Saturday, November 20, 2004  

Grief and Mourning

At heart, I am a teacher. Because of the blows dealt to me by my reproductive system in the past year, I felt it best to stop teaching until this situation is dealt with in some form. I need to get to the point of feeling resolution in order to deal with the kids I so deeply love. Or rather, to deal with their parents and with the circumstances these families live with.

I teach in a city district. A city filled with gangs, drugs and violence. The problems are astronomical when compared to the actual population of the city. And today has been a strange one.

I was in the grocery store and bumped into the father of a student I had last year. I know this man well because his son is extremely gifted. And a huge pain in the ass. He constantly got in fights, was annoying as all hell (to me and the rest of the class). He's in middle school this year. Sixth grade. He's in a building with roughly 900 kids. But this year, at my recommendation, he is in the accelerated program. He may actually be able to be challenged! Which could have a serious positive impact on his behavior. His dad said he's doing well and likes it. I'm thrilled. I'd been really worried about him.

Then tonight my husband looked at the newspaper and came across a name. He said, "Didn't you have this kid in class once?" And I had. When I started teaching in the district, I was doing a long-term substitute position teaching 7th grade life science. I'm still in shock over the article in the newspaper.

One of the sweetest, funniest boys, athletic, attractive, kind, an all around good kid was stabbed Thursday night. He was unresponsive when the ambulance arrived and died in one of the local hospitals within minutes of arrival. Reggie was one of my favorites at the time I taught him, but I haven't seen him since December 2000. He was so full of life and promise. I remember once I gave him detention for talking too much in class. He "forgot" to come up to my classroom after school. I happened to be meeting my husband in the parking lot to help bring in some things, and saw my student. And I made him come upstairs. He and his friend followed us upstairs. My husband quietly watched as this 13 year old checked out my ass, nudged his friend and whispered "DAMN!" And then he became embarrassed in that cute way that little boys have when they've been caught and refused to look at my husband for the rest of the afternoon. The rest of the time I taught in that building, Reggie made it his mission to keep the rest of the class quiet when I was teaching. He was an amazing boy. And he and his friends continued to volunteer to help out whenever he could after school. But now? He's gone. And I don't understand it. I don't understand how this could happen.

This is the second of my students to die. Both of them this year. I taught both of them the same year. John was a pain in the ass. He had issues with authority, he lied frequently, he was the child that you look at and know that something bad is in store for their future. Or maybe I felt that way because his mother's response to my calls home requesting her intervention to help save her child from the path I could clearly see in front of him was less than acceptable. She actually said, "Yeah, I can't do nothin' with him. He just don't like women. Deal with it." He died while skipping school, drunk, in a stolen car driven by a friend who attended an alternative school for disciplinary reasons. The car crashed and John and another passenger died. The driver, of course, survived.

All in all, it's been a pretty bad year, filled with heartache. And tonight, I mourn the loss of yet another child who did not have to die.

   [ posted  @ 11:47 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Grief and Mourning":
I'm so sorry.


   Tuesday, November 16, 2004  

Insurance, My Ass!

Before I get started, let me first give the update on my brother. He was told this morning that he does not have an aneurysm. So far we've learned the lump is not cancer (or if it is, his blood tests aren't showing it) and now this. What we haven't learned is what any of these things are. Thankfully, though, it seems my brother is not in any real danger in the immediate future. Starting to wonder if it's too soon to back out of that little deal God and I made.

While we're on the subject of that deal, I decided that my husband and I should pull up our insurance policy on the web and see exactly what is covered in terms of our fertility issues. I thought it was important since we would be meeting with Dr. P for my post-D&C follow-up this Thursday and that we would most likely have an RE recommended. This was apparently a big mistake.

Why is it that insurance companies will pay for 90% of your fertility testing but absolutely none of your treatment? Seriously, what good does it do someone to know they can't have a child naturally, but will get no help in doing something about it? I do not understand that at all. Still, unless I have some funky egg quality issue, it's not likely that an IUI or IVF would do me much good. Because as I've pointed out before, all I have to do is be somewhere in the general vicinity of an erect penis and I'm pregnant. I guess I'm just really uncertain what this whole process is going to do for me. Except maybe if I'm lucky get me to the point where a living baby is removed from my uterus. Sadly, I'm not holding out much hope for that one.

   [ posted  @ 7:46 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (4) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Insurance, My Ass!":
Insurance just sucks. I am having the same problem with my insurance. They will pay for the testing but not for the treatment. AND get this-- they will not even pay for my Rogam shot! They would rather pay for a messed up baby than a $100 shot! ARGG!!

I am glad to hear that your brother will be ok. That is one bright spot in your day.
I am so glad your brother's news was good. Still praying for him over here...

As for the insurance thing, who knows. I'm lucky...my husband's policy pays for 100% of testing and 90% of treatments, but only because he works for a large pharma and they believe infertility is a disease, not just a pain in the ass.
We just had to look at our insurance for the exact same things. We actually got off pretty lucky in terms of what they cover. But still, the things they cover taken with the things they dont, certainly don't make any sense. Good luck :-)
Glad your brother is doing well.

I hate insurance companies. I have the same kind of coverage and do not live in a mandated state that requires infertility coverage. I've always said there is a special place in hell for insurance companies.

Thinking of you.


   Monday, November 15, 2004  

Is it Friday yet?

It's been a long week already, and it's only Monday night.

My brother's doctor is NOT IN until Wednesday. The office REFUSED to give him the results of his cat scan. He drove in and got in an argument with the receptionist until the office manager pulled his file to tell him the results. The real fun? There was NO RECORD of his cat scan in the file! So, they're calling the hospital it was done at to find out what happened with the results. My brother is supposed to talk to a different doctor in the practice tomorrow morning. He told them he doesn't care about all the details, he can wait until Wednesday for those, but he feels like he has a right to know if he does or does not have an aneurysm. Wow. I can not fathom this level of incompetence. My poor, poor brother. Already stressed out and now to have to deal with this. I mean, I thought this particular brand of half-assed medical care was reserved for the recurrent miscarriers and the infertile!

***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Editor's Note: Before you ask, this is NOT my brother's regular doctor, or even his usual practice. His regular doctor was on vacation last week and the doctor's covering could not work him in. So, he went to the practice that had delivered their son (imagine, to be able to give birth without using a high-risk OB!). I doubt he'll be going there again any time soon once he's gotten his referrals to specialists should that be necessary.

   [ posted  @ 9:08 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (0) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Is it Friday yet?":

   Saturday, November 13, 2004  

My brother...


Preliminary results came in. All of his bloodwork (except for a couple of 2-week timed tests) came back completely normal! Apparently the guy who reads the cat scans to know about the aneurysm wasn't in on Thursday/Friday to read them, so he'll have that answer on Monday.

I'm still nervous, but a huge weight has been lifted.

Starting to wonder if God's going to hold me to that whole "don't need to have a baby if" thing. But I'm not going to try to get myself out of that deal until AFTER we know everything about my brother's health.

   [ posted  @ 8:59 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (4) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "My brother...":

I had't read your blog before, but got your comment today (thanks). I just read your most recent entries and see you've had a very rough time. I am so sorry about the miscarriages, you know I know how awful they are. I also hope this truly is good news about your brother. Sometimes it's hard to feel optimistic isn't it?

Take care,

That's great! I hope the rest of the tests come back good as well.

I hope he will be ok.
Cautiously celebrating your good news and stalking you for more updates.

   Friday, November 12, 2004  

The Wait

I'm extremely nervous today. They put a rush on my brother's tests. He'll have preliminary results today. Most of the tests will be in, however there are a few that take 2 weeks to complete. I'm scared to death.

   [ posted  @ 7:48 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "The Wait":
Wishing and hoping and praying for good news about your brother.

Loving you more than ever, Miss W...

   Thursday, November 11, 2004  

Oh no....

I was going to post about going to my grad class last night and how we had to go to the theater because the school was hosting a lecture series with the Mental Health Association. About how I got there and bumped into a friend I hadn't seen since late June/early July. A friend who is now five months pregnant and who was so excited to see me and would I please please just sit with her. And how I did. And didn't cry. And was actually a little bit happy for her because I know she was so afraid she couldn't get pregnant. She had been trying for about 6 months with no success. She knew of my first two miscarriages (last night she found out about the 3rd). She was so afraid. I even managed to be ok when she was dealing with her baby kicking her in the ribs and the pain it caused (which she whispered about to the woman on her other side -- a woman who was also pregnant).

I got home and was so proud of myself for making it through. And then my husband gave me the bad news. The thing that had me praying and saying things to God about how if he could just make *that* ok that I didn't care if He never gave me a baby.

My brother...my ONLY brother...my 31 year old brother went to the doctor yesterday. He said his back hurt, going to the bathroom hurt, he was tired. The doctor did an exam and could feel his pulse very distinctly in his stomach. You really aren't supposed to feel that there. When you do it is a sign (as are all of the complaints he went in for) that you have an aortic aneurysm. If that ruptures, that's it. You die. My grandfather had one almost 4 years ago. His was successfully repaired. It was very scary and he was so weak for so long. In fact, once you have that, if you make it through they guarantee only that you will reach about 90% of where you were before. My brother is married. He has a step-daughter in 4th grade. He has a son who will be 3 in January. This CAN NOT be happening.

As if that isn't bad enough, my brother then asked the doctor to take a look at something else. Said he was sure it was nothing and was much smaller and going away, but could he please look anyway. My brother has a lump inside his mouth. It's sort of under his tongue and beneath the jaw bone (for those of you who do the BBT thing, it's in the location where they reccomend you put your thermometer to temp...that little pocket). His concern with this is that, well, he's been chewing tobacco since his high school baseball team started doing it together in the late 80's. It's definitely in the lymph glands. He is spending today getting a cat scan for the aneurysm, lots of blood work to determine if he has cancer. The doctor said he suspects Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, but that he honestly doesn't think it's cancerous.

So last night, I lay in bed for hours praying. Repeating over and over, "Please, God, just heal my brother. Please."

I spoke to my mom before bed and I told her how people keep saying that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. She said in her experience that's been true, but she is also of the opinion that we really don't have reason to be this much stronger.

Um....this is extremely poorly written today. Sorry. Best I can do. But please, pray for my brother (and for the rest of us as we rapidly reach insanity). Think whatever positive thoughts, whatever it is you do when things are bad. We definitely need it now.

   [ posted  @ 7:50 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (5) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Oh no....":
I am thinking and praying for all of you.
Prayers for you and your family. I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. My brother died when he was 16 from an undetected heart ailment, so I know how scary it is to go in for feeling run down and then finding out it's something much, much worse.

Thinking of you.

Good lord...this universe just doesn't know when to quit. I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this on top of everything else.

Please let me know if I can do anything. Anything. I mean that.
Oh wow. it just doesn't stop does it? I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.
You, your brother, and your family are in my thoughts during this difficult time.

   Tuesday, November 09, 2004  

A Post for the Sake of Posting

Having multiple miscarriages changes a person. Completely. I used to have a happy life. I had a great husband. I was getting my masters degree. I had friends that I would go out and do things with. I cared about things. I was interested in the state of the world. I cared about causes. I threw great parties. I had a clean house. I shopped. I went to the gym faithfully every day. I looked really great in all my clothes.

A year filled with miscarriages has changed all of that. I still have a great husband. I am still working on my masters. I suppose I still have friends, but I don't see them anymore. I speak to them occasionally on the phone but I don't actually call them. In fact, I cringe when the phone rings and I see their names on the caller ID. I care about nothing but the state of my uterus, whether it be empty from surgery or full with a fresh pregnancy (and just waiting an indeterminate number of weeks to require surgery). I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't go to the gym. I don't have clothes that fit me, let alone clothing that looks good. At this point, I settle for clothing that causes my husband to say, "yeah, that looks ok. It's not too wrinkled and it's kind of clean." I also don't throw parties anymore. Because who would come? I've become that girl that people try to avoid--the one who's always got it so bad. The girl that you ask, "How are you?" out of obligation and then pray she doesn't answer.

I hadn't posted this week yet because I didn't want my blog to turn out as one of my parties would. I kept thinking that soon, maybe I would have something to say. The truth of it, though, is that I don't. I can only think about the fact that I'm still bleeding from my surgery. Or that my follow up appointment is next Thursday, the 18th. That I'll be referred to someone else for testing and that means I won't be seeing Dr. P much for a while.

I've also been asking myself the same question over and over. "Am I happy?" I ask my husband this several times a day, "Are we happy?" I mean, if you could take away this one aspect of our lives that has us both so depressed that we just can't get it together to care about a lot of other things in life (see the above), are we happy? Or has the loss of our three children so fully robbed us of hope and joy that we are just slowly drowning together?

I'm afraid it's the latter. And I want to do something about it. Really. I do. I just haven't figured out what. Because in my head, I know that my husband is still the same funny, warm, loving man he's always been. But there's just so much pain there. And deep down I probably still do care about all of the things that I used to. I just can't get to them. Those areas of my brain have become blocked. I only hope it's temporary.

   [ posted  @ 7:45 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (8) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "A Post for the Sake of Posting":
This comment is bought to you by the drug Lexapro:

I felt like this after my m/c. I nearly left my marriage as I just couldnt see away out of my misery. I was tired of hurting and whilst i knew the pain wouldnt disappear, leaving would enable me to ache over something else. A lesser pain???

Anyway I started anti-depressants shortly afterward and they have enabled me to function like I a normal person. Its only afterward that I realised just how bad I was.

Oh when I say normal, I still dont go out and do any of the things you mention in your post. I can however be productive at work.
Your post broke my heart, and unfortunately, I have no advice to pass along. Just know that I love you and I'm rooting for things to start looking ujp for you soon...
I could have written your post, word for word. The only thing different is I don't have a masters degree. I'm a Jimmy Choo/Manalo kind of girl and now I fish around on the floor to find something that isn't too wrinkled and kind of clean.

I don't know the answer sweetie, really I don't because I've got an entire blog dedicated to this effing 'journey'.

Thinking of you and just letting you know that I'm here for you.

What a heartwrenching post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Reading this helps me because it's how I feel. I don't care about anything else but what's next.
What a heartwrenching post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Reading this helps me because it's how I feel. I don't care about anything else but what's next.

- beaver girl
I just wanted to say I'm sorry about all this. We're in the same boat and you summed it up pretty well.
Wow. I never knew so many people could feel the same way that I feel right now. It is awful. My heart aches for you. I just got back from my first visit with the RE today. I feel like something is broken inside of me and i don't quite know what it is yet. I feel.. defective. WHY WHY WHY does this have to be so difficult?!?!?!
I have been there myself. I wish I had some secret that would help you get through this easier but I don't. I don't know why it all has to be so hard but know that you're not alone in these feelings, these changes that have come along during the journey. I'm hoping it's temporary too and I'd wager that it very well is. Hang in there.

   Friday, November 05, 2004  


I went back to work. There was a fucking BABY SHOWER in the conference room next to my department. My husband brought me home. I'll work from here for the rest of the day. FUCK.

   [ posted  @ 11:59 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (6) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "FUCK":
This is a test
Oh hon. Geez. Sometimes life sucks so much. I am sorry you had to go through that.

Of all things... if you can take time off, DO SO! If not, you can talk to us.
Oh! That is horrible! I dont' blame you for leaving. After my second mc i completely and totally broke down and could not return to work. I was a complete mess. I couldn't focus, couldn't think.. couldn't anything. It was awful. Two months later it STILL feels like this open wound that someone keeps poking their fingers in. It is awful. I really feel for you.
Oh, god, that is so cruel. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this shit on top of everything else. I'm so glad you were able to work from home (how I wish I had that option especially when there were two babies in attendance at my company's Halloween party. I mean, really, WTF?).

Keep hanging in there. :-)

   Thursday, November 04, 2004  

I'm still alive. I'm not well, but I'm alive. The past few days have been horrible. I've been bleeding heavily, running a slight temperature, and breaking down every few minutes.

This is just incomprehensible to me. I was afraid of something like this before we ever decided to begin trying to have children. I had genetic counseling done. I had cardiac testing done. I had pulmonary function testing. I had thorough exams of my scoliosis and spinal cord damage. I had ultrasounds to look at my uterus and ovaries for obvious abnormalities. EVERYONE said I would be fine, that I could do this.

I lost the first one, "it's just a fluke, these things happen, it's God's will, nature's way of taking away flawed genetics..." I tried again and lost the second. "I don't know what the fuck just happened. Things were going great. Probably still not a 'problem'." We did the genetic counseling, the karyotyping, the million and twelve blood tests. No problems. Try again. You should be ok. But we can do the HSG and the endometrial biopsy first, if you want. No. I didn't want.

I got pregnant again. And now this.

I just don't understand how it can keep happening. I'm 27 years old. I had always thought that I would be done having children by the time I was 28 or 29. I thought that I would have 2 or 3. I thought that everything would be so good. That I would be that suburban mom, with the two story house, the white picket fence, swingset and sandbox in the back yard.

And now I don't think I ever will be. I'm going to go ahead and have the tests run, see the RE that I will be referred to soon. But I don't know if I'm going to try again. I'm sure I probably will. I just don't want to yet. Then again, I also don't think I'm going to shower, get dressed and leave my house ever again, and I know I will. I just don't want to yet.

What I do know is what I will do if the tests show that there is a reason that I have trouble carrying a child. If I am told that I could probably eventually have a child, but that I'll likely lose many, many more...then I'm out. I'll ask to have my tubes cut/tied (whatever they do now). Fuck it, let them remove the fucking uterus then. I just don't care. I only know that I will not go back on birth control for the rest of my "fertile" years. Because that isn't fair. Making me take a pill because I "might change my mind" when I know what the outcome will be? Don't think so. I am not strong enough to go through this much more.

A friend said the other day, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, if you believe that crap." So I asked her, "How fucking strong do I really need to be?" How strong do any of us need to be? Because this doesn't feel like 'strong' to me. It feels like 'broken'. It feels like 'irreparable'. It feels like 'weak'. It feels like 'failure'. It feels like so many things. But it doesn't feel like 'strong'.

Before I end this today, I need to thank you all for your kind words and thoughts over the last few days. I prefer to email people back normally, but with this, I'm not sure there is a response. Most of you know this pain. You have an inkling of where I'm at, because you've been there, too. I need to say thank you. Thank you for your empathy, your sympathy, and for reminding me by the fact that you aren't here anymore that someday I won't be either. I needed that reminder.

   [ posted  @ 8:44 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (7) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "":
I won't tell you anything except that I'm glad you posted today and I've been thinking about you so much these last few days.

Lurve you...
I want to say you'll be ok, and all that bullhonky, but at the same time, how do I know, right? Its just the crap you want to say to someone who is in pain. It sucks really really bad.

I don't think that going through this makes you stronger. No way, no how. At least not for me.

I think it makes you more afraid, more bitter, more pessimistic. For those who get stronger, yay for them.

I was talking to my husband about you, because I really really hate what you are going through, because I have kinda been there, in my own way, and I don't like the idea of someone going through it.

I was telling him about the fact that you don't know about trying again. And how there was this part of me that wanted to but on the assvise hat and say, hey but look at me, I have made it on my fourth try, and I didn't think I'd ever make it, hell, I thought I'd be in a mental hospital right now.

And I told him that I couldn't say that to you, it's against the rules, its assvise, yadda yadda yadda.

And yet, its sometimes the only stupid thing that comes to our heads, because I'm sorry doesn't seem like enough. Even though it is, and it has to be. Because when you are going through that kind of pain, you don't want to hear anything. Well, anything that contains platitudes of you'll be ok, its gods will, something was wrong, oh you can just try again, ect.

Ok, who knows where I'm going with this, other than I'm sorry, there is nothing I can say, even though a million things are running through my mind, and I hope you can get things figured out. But here goes my biggest assvise hat ever, and you can ignore it if you want, and just not even read my next sentance, and if you go on, you have been warned, and its your own fault. Got it, got the warning?? I am giving unsolicited assvise here, and if you don't want to read it, don't go on, and now you can't yell at me, so HA. And in case you don't read on, just know I am thinking of you daily, I lurve you and I hope everything starts getting better, and watch out for that fever, and take care of yourself, and all that stuff.

Try not to make any drastic decisions while you are in this much emotional pain. That is all.
I second what Kris said...make you stronger, bs...if that's the case, I'm frigging Atlas already and don't need anymore help. Even Sampson looks like a skinny minny compared to me in terms of strength. It hasn't made me stronger -- it's made me bitter. Stronger is when something bad happens, you recover and then life continues plesantly on -- NOT some crap happens and keeps happening. No, that does not make you stronger, but makes you angry.

There is nothing I can say because I know how much this sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that your appointment with the doctor will lead to the discovery of the problem and on to finding a solution.

I have been thinking about you all day. It isn't fair that some people have it so easy and others have it so difficult. Having a child should be a blessed event filled with joy and laughter. DAMN! It so isn't fair!

Oh my, this is horrible suffering. I feel so bad for you. Indeed, who would want to be any stronger?

In the end, you will be OK, and you will have your children.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
I am sorry I am a bit late on commenting- I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Take care, I'll be checking in to see how you are doing.

   Tuesday, November 02, 2004  

Three Time Loser

I spent the day in bed with little bleeding. Then from 3 to 5, I was on the phone with a friend. When I got off the phone, I went in the bathroom and was bleeding profusely and had passed some (smallish) clots. I changed pads and decided to wait exactly one hour to see how heavy the bleed actually was. I ate some egg drop soup and an egg roll while I waited. It was heavy.

I called. It was Dr. P on call. He said to go to the ER. We got there and as they were getting ready to check me in they were talking about everything that a doctor wanted done, betas, and cbc, and on and on. When I gave them my name, they said "Oh" and picked up the phone to page Dr. P. They did my paperwork and I waited and waited for a bed. About 20-30 minutes of waiting and Dr. P came in FURIOUS that I wasn't in a bed. He went in the back, demanded a room for me, so they got busy with the cleaning. He came out to the waiting room and sat beside me until they had it ready. He took me back. And while I was in the bathroom changing into my gown, he was talking to my husband and wiping away his own tears.

He did a pelvic exam. The first speculum he grabbed was large and HURT. He immediately threw it down and searched for a smaller one. The nurse was shocked--she said she'd never had a doctor who cared. I said "yes, but I kick." All that to say, my cervix was closed. He left for a bit while they got me scheduled in to the ultrasound upstairs. I watched TV for about 30 minutes. Then they took me up. I waited about 5 minutes in a hallway as there was only one tech working. Dr. P came up then and waited beside me the whole time. He went in with them for the ultrasound. They saw a clot above the baby in my uterus. They also saw no heartbeat. Dr. P was so upset. Instead of taking me back to the ER, he wheeled me straight into pre-op. Within 15 minutes, he had rushed through all the paperwork, had me hooked up with anesthesia and I was being wheeled into the OR.

I just got home. I'm not in pain. In fact, I'm bleeding less than I was before the surgery. I'm just really numb. I haven't had time to feel this yet. But now I have to have the HSG and the endometrial biopsy and the barrage of other things that I thought weren't going to be necessary. I now truly meet the criterion of recurrent spontaneous aborter.

Really wish that I didn't fit into that group. There are so many of you all whom I love dearly. I just didn't want to be one of you. Just as none of you did either.

   [ posted  @ 1:45 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (13) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Three Time Loser":
Shit, shit, shit. I am so so sorry, truly I am.

Know that I'm thinking of you.
I am so shocked and so sorry.

So sorry.
Shit, shit, shit.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss; so sorry this is happening to you.

Take good care of yourself.


I'm so, so sorry. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
I am so incredibly sorry. You are in my thoughts.
Motherfucking shit.

I know sorry doesn't begin to express how I feel for you...but I am, truly sorry.

Let me know if you need ANYTHING.

Love you...
I'm so sorry sweety. I wish you didn't have to join the group either.

Hopefully the HSG and biopsy will tell you something. Something good, something treatable.

Thinking of you always.

From the bottom of my heart...I am so very sorry.

We are here for you.

Fractured Fairytale
*hugs lots and lots*

oh hon... I am oh so sorry :( It's just not fair. :(

I hopped here fron another blogger. I am sorry for your loss...what a sad day for you. I will say some prayers. alex/the infertile gourmet
I am so sorry. The pain you must be going through... ACH!

I am so very sorry for your loss. What a sad, terrible thing--I keep wishing there was a way we could "fix" this for you, that we could do something to help you. Lacking that, I'll have to just let you know how sorry I am, and that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
I am sorry. I havent been able to post until now as I lost mine much the same way.

Thinking of you.

   Monday, November 01, 2004  

Ok. I don't know if this is in any way ok, or good or bad or what.

My HCG is around 47,000. A week ago Friday it was 6,3?5. This is not doubling every 48 hours. This could be doubling every 36 hours however. So maybe not so bad?

The bleeding continues but is not so bad. Thank you big giant hospital pads that wrap from mid-back to belly button. They gave me a whole bag of them. I had NO pads at home. I rarely use them, so when I'm out, I don't immediately by more. Especially not when I find out I'm pregnant.

The ultrasound was a long drawn out process. 76 images worth of long and drawn out. The baby is measuring 6 weeks 1 day. I should hit the 7 week mark on Wednesday, so we're apparently taking our own sweet time. The fetal heartbeat, which she said was hard to detect, is a bit slow at 127 bpm. Other things we found out: my cervix is closed (good); I have a cyst on my right ovary (doctor said something about luteal, common in pregnancy...); I have a probable but tiny subchorionic hemmorhage.

I'm calling Dr. P first thing tomorrow morning. He will know what to say and what to do. He'll have the right answers. And he? Would totally not have stayed upstairs in L&D and let the ER monkeys take care of me. I'm totally telling on the doctor there tonight. Mean Dr. E! Seriously, she acts like the emergency surgery up there was more important than a bleeding hysterical first trimester in the ER! I've been told to stay in bed for the next couple of days, which means I'll be completely up to date on all the IF/MC blogs thanks to my wireless connection. And that's it folks. It's 2 am and I've been in the ER since before 10:00 tonight. I'm too exhausted to even think.

   [ posted  @ 2:00 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (4) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "":
I'm hoping your getting your delicate self some sleep right now.

Sounds like some good news!

Get some rest and keep us posted.

Praying hard for you...
Take good care of yourself.

Thinking of you and sending prayers.

That doubling time sounds great to me. Sorry you had to go through the horror of the ER but glad to know that all appears okay. Hang in there and know that I'm thinking of you.
OMG that sounds horible. I hope everything turns out ok. 127 sounds fine for a 6 week heartbeat, mine was 128 at 6 weeks, and is at 160 now.

Hopefully the SCH will go away, absorb, or whatever they do, and then the bleeding will stop.


Take care, and I'm thinking of you.


P.S. I did go trick or treating, but only walked 6 blocks. Thanks for your advise.

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
February 2010
May 2010
June 2010
March 2011
April 2011
August 2011

A Little Pregnant
Barren Mare
Broken or Not
Chez Miscarriage
Fractured Fairytale
Here Be Hippogriffs
Horkin Ramblings
Never Ever Late
One Pink Line
The RE's Muse
Scrambled Eggs
So Close
Uncommon Misconception
The Unproductive Reproductive
Wasted Birth Control

[=Powered By=]

[=Designed By=]

Customized by Miss W
Scripts / Code by "Mr. W"

Send Miss W. E-Mail!