Thursday, November 04, 2004
I'm still alive. I'm not well, but I'm alive. The past few days have been horrible. I've been bleeding heavily, running a slight temperature, and breaking down every few minutes.
This is just incomprehensible to me. I was afraid of something like this before we ever decided to begin trying to have children. I had genetic counseling done. I had cardiac testing done. I had pulmonary function testing. I had thorough exams of my scoliosis and spinal cord damage. I had ultrasounds to look at my uterus and ovaries for obvious abnormalities. EVERYONE said I would be fine, that I could do this.
I lost the first one, "it's just a fluke, these things happen, it's God's will, nature's way of taking away flawed genetics..." I tried again and lost the second. "I don't know what the fuck just happened. Things were going great. Probably still not a 'problem'." We did the genetic counseling, the karyotyping, the million and twelve blood tests. No problems. Try again. You should be ok. But we can do the HSG and the endometrial biopsy first, if you want. No. I didn't want.
I got pregnant again. And now this.
I just don't understand how it can keep happening. I'm 27 years old. I had always thought that I would be done having children by the time I was 28 or 29. I thought that I would have 2 or 3. I thought that everything would be so good. That I would be that suburban mom, with the two story house, the white picket fence, swingset and sandbox in the back yard.
And now I don't think I ever will be. I'm going to go ahead and have the tests run, see the RE that I will be referred to soon. But I don't know if I'm going to try again. I'm sure I probably will. I just don't want to yet. Then again, I also don't think I'm going to shower, get dressed and leave my house ever again, and I know I will. I just don't want to yet.
What I do know is what I will do if the tests show that there is a reason that I have trouble carrying a child. If I am told that I could probably eventually have a child, but that I'll likely lose many, many more...then I'm out. I'll ask to have my tubes cut/tied (whatever they do now). Fuck it, let them remove the fucking uterus then. I just don't care. I only know that I will not go back on birth control for the rest of my "fertile" years. Because that isn't fair. Making me take a pill because I "might change my mind" when I know what the outcome will be? Don't think so. I am not strong enough to go through this much more.
A friend said the other day, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, if you believe that crap." So I asked her, "How fucking strong do I really need to be?" How strong do any of us need to be? Because this doesn't feel like 'strong' to me. It feels like 'broken'. It feels like 'irreparable'. It feels like 'weak'. It feels like 'failure'. It feels like so many things. But it doesn't feel like 'strong'.
Before I end this today, I need to thank you all for your kind words and thoughts over the last few days. I prefer to email people back normally, but with this, I'm not sure there is a response. Most of you know this pain. You have an inkling of where I'm at, because you've been there, too. I need to say thank you. Thank you for your empathy, your sympathy, and for reminding me by the fact that you aren't here anymore that someday I won't be either. I needed that reminder.
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