Miss W -->

   Monday, May 30, 2005  

The lower case "w"

Here's the wee 'w.' I think it looks just like it's daddy :)

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  Comments about my post, "The lower case "w"":
Oh my...that's a sight! Congrats on one, fine appointment and one healthy babe!!!
Yippee! Congratulations!!
Oh, so THAT's what Mr. W looks like... I always wondered ;)

Congrats, hon! :)
Who doesn't love them some 'lower case w' pix? Congrats to you and Mr. W on a gorgeous 'mini you!'
What a lovely picture of a lovely baby........Congratulations...
Lookie! Lookie!
Just kicking back there..chillin' out upside down.
What a laid back baby!
You must be so proud Miss W!

   Saturday, May 28, 2005  

The appointment

Quick post...

My appointment yesterday went really well. I had an ultrasound. Baby measures at exactly 7 weeks and has a heart beat with a rate between 135 and 137 beats per minute. Things look good so far. I had lost 2 of my 3 at 7 weeks; my first was diagnosed at 10 weeks but appeared to have been dead since 8 weeks. Nervous still, but a bit happier. Will post the picture later. At my in-laws now.

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  Comments about my post, "The appointment":
I've got my fingers, toes and everything els crossed for you. Enjoy this weekend...
Phew... glad everything is okay at this point!! Can't wait to see the pictures. Thinkin' about ya!
Heartbeat!! Happy thumping sounds! Things are going to be okay, I just know it. But I'm still praying for you everyday.
Oh, Goody! What a relief for you both.

So good to be able to chill for 24 hours..isnt it?
Delurking to say I'm so happy about this and keeping my fingers crossed for continued good news!

   Thursday, May 26, 2005  

Checking in

I can't believe it's Thursday already. On Tuesday, I had to drive the 5 hours back downstate for the first session of my last grad class. It's over June 30. I should be there for class tonight, but have an AM appointment with the maternal-fetal medicine dept. here and couldn't figure out a way to make the drive and be on time for my appointment.

To make it easier, I explained the situation to my professor who revealed to me that she, too, is infertile. Apparently, she has Crohn's disease, which I know nothing about, but it is the reason she couldn't have biological children. She has two children (adopted at 9 days and 2 days) who are grown. She was fully understanding of my situation and said that she would be praying for the best this time around.

My bleeding is all but gone; back to the occasional light staining. I'm not happy with that, but it's better than what I had last Wednesday and Thursday.

I got copies of all my records from my OB downstate to give to the doctors up here. And I did a very strange thing. I looked through them and found the karyotype of the child I lost in November. I had a daughter. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's something I've wanted to know, but not enough to actually ask my doctor because I wasn't sure how I would react. My reaction was, "Oh. A girl. Well, need to go to Border's...there are a few books I want to buy." And I still haven't had a "reaction" of any kind. I just know that I lost a little girl, who would have, I'm quite certain, been beautiful.

My husband talked to my friend yesterday. Her neurologist is making her go to Columbia-Presbyterian to see the neurologists there. She didn't mention any more seizures to my husband but she is having severe headaches to the point of vomiting...every day. Her current neurologist told her that it's an extremely bad sign for her pregnancy and won't treat her anymore; he insists she move from his care in Westchester down to NYC. I'm worried about her, but she told me none of this so I don't know how to bring it up with her. And quite frankly, I've been so damn worried about my own uterus that I don't know how much capacity I have to actually focus on someone else's. She found out she's having a son though, so I'm assuming she's at least 20 weeks now...she's due in October...how far would she be? I feel like a really bad friend for not knowing; it's just been so hard on me with the way she told me and then having to go through the Clomid and this pregnancy that just feels so strange to me...so very strange.

And that is the update of the goings on in the world of the W's. I'll try to post something tomorrow after the appointment; no guarantees since we have to drive back downstate for the weekend and I think we're leaving directly from the doctor's office.

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  Comments about my post, "Checking in":
Glad to hear the bleeding has all but gone--here's hoping it stays away.

And I know what you mean about the karotype. When I found out that the baby I lost last August was a boy, well, my heart just about shattered into millions of pieces (if it would have been possible to break even more). How I'm hoping you won't know that pain ever again.

And I'm still hoping for the best for the W family this go'round--NBHHY!

   Monday, May 23, 2005  

Beta vets...is this OK????

I just spoke with Dr. P. My beta on Wednesday was 19,572. My beta on Friday was ~30,000. This is *not* double. Dr. P assured me that it doesn't double in 48 hours forever and that really all he was looking for was a 65% increase at this point. My progesterone was, as he said, "kick ass" at 129. He really feels that these numbers look like a viable pregnancy and sees no reason for me to have more blood work before I see him again June 1. Now, that's a hell of a long way off. Of course, if I need to call him again between now and then, he'll do whatever is necessary.

I'm just really, really scared. Is it really ok that I didn't even come close to doubling???? Google told me it was. IVFer.com says that my doubling time with HCG greater than 6,000 is >96 hours. According to their calculator, my doubling time for those two draws was 77 hours. I'm trying to trust what I'm reading and what Dr. P said but...I'm just so nervous and June 1 is a long time to wait before my next ultrasound and appointment. Please...regale me with tales of when YOUR betas stopped doubling in 48 hours and how everything turned out great because it is supposed to happen and I am not only normal but having a stellar pregnancy going on here.

(Just realized I'm a bit...dense. My appointment with the maternal-fetal medicine dept. at the hospital here is on Friday of this week, so even though I don't know them, I might be able to talk them into *something*...a scan...a blood draw...something to prove my baby is still there!)

   [ posted  @ 10:29 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (5) ]
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  Comments about my post, "Beta vets...is this OK????":
I don't know what to tell you.. They didn't do that stuff "back in my day". All I can say is I'm pulling like hell for you and your baby to be just fine......Keep us posted...
It looks pretty good. Check out www.betabase.info if you want to see whats experienced by everyone else.
My doc didn't even send me for a beta this go around! I'm useless for info, but got everything crossed for you that all is well!
Hey! Just wanted to make sure you were hanging in there! I have no words of wisdom on the beta numbers for you... sorry. Hope everything goes well on Friday! Congrats on (almost) finishing your masters!
They stopped doing betas on me after I had an ultrasound. The doctor(s) told me that at a certain point, the hCG level just isn't relative.

Hope the maternal-fetal folks give you a reassuring ultrasound.

~Brooklyn Girl

   Sunday, May 22, 2005  

Is it Monday yet?

It's been a long weekend. My last day of full-time work was Thursday. On Friday, I had the graduation ceremony for my master's degree (the degree itself will not be finished until July or so when I have my thesis approved). Saturday we loaded up a truck and drove to the new apartment in western NY. My car remained at the old place, as did our fishtank and some things in storage since Mr. W couldn't find the key to the unit. He'll find that and drive down there one day this week. We're hoping for Tuesday when I have to go to class.

I have not yet been able to get ahold of the professor for my Tuesday/Thursday night class to tell her that due to the appointment with the maternal-fetal medicine dept. at the hospital here, I have to miss the second class, on Thursday. That is...assuming that things continue in the right direction.

My bleeding has all but stopped today. I've seen only one instance of a small amount of fresh, red blood. The rest of the day has been pink/tan staining. So...I'm hoping that is a good sign. Still waiting to see. Friday's beta will be called in to me tomorrow. Nervous as all hell about that.

Also? My parents and grandparents had come out for my graduation and to help us get the last of our stuff to the new place. They got here mid-day Friday and left in the late afternoon today. I really miss them all so much. I just love being able to be around them. Hoping that the shorter distance between us all makes it that much easier to see them now. I miss them so much when I have to go too long between visits. And the hours on the phone each week just isn't enough.

   [ posted  @ 10:27 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (0) ]
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   Thursday, May 19, 2005  

This just in:

HCG yesterday was 19,572. This is almost exactly double Monday's roughly 9-10,000 (I know it was in the 9,000s...I think around 9,800, but was so shell shocked Tuesday that I don't exactly know for sure).

My progesterone was 111, which is much higher than the "good" range, though lower than the "over 200" it's been since I started taking 100mg of Prometrium twice a day.

Dr. P said that he understands my tension and nerves with my previous losses and all the bleeding going on, but he reiterates that the hormone levels are good, that the ultrasound Tuesday showed no blood in the uterus, that it all appears to be coming from this polyp-like cyst. But he also reminded me that his hands are tied; if he removes the polyp/cyst it won't bleed any more, but he fears it would cause me to miscarry. So...I just wait on a daily basis for the hormone levels to come in. Damn, I'm scared. Beyond belief. I don't know what to think. I don't want to be pessimistic and assume the baby is dying; I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them come crashing down. In general, I really just don't want to think about the whole situation, but I know that there is no way possible for me to think of anything else. No matter what I'm doing, it comes to mind. If I'm working; reading a magazine; watching TV; talking on the phone. It just doesn't matter. I can focus on nothing else. The minute I have to go to the bathroom, I know.

(Also...on that whole stomach/bowel pain issue? It's not really that hard for me to believe that is all that it was. I just realized I hadn't done more than pee in the bathroom since some time Monday, possibly Sunday. Of course, it also isn't hard for me to believe it was related to the baby because during my period, my bowels are always the affected area. Though this was somewhat different as a lot of the pain was up above my belly button, definitely in stomach territory. Just waiting for the blood draw tomorrow to have an idea what it is...and OH MY GOD...I won't know the results until MONDAY---that's FOUR days before I'll get another confirmation of the progression (or non-progression) of my baby. Shouldn't that be illegal???)

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  Comments about my post, "This just in:":
For some reasong NBHHY comes to mind. I will keep this in mind for you sweetie.

And yes, that should be illegal.
I second Blue's comment: NBHHY. Hang in there, we're rooting right along with you and for you!

C'mon little one!
FYI - being pregnant also messes up your bowels, so that could be it, too :)


This can't be right.

Yesterday saw so much blood that Dr. P went ahead and ordered HCG checks for yesterday and Friday of this week. I don't have any clue what is going on. There was so much blood yesterday morning, but it went to the "normal" amounts I'd been seeing all week by the end of the day.

Then last night I was doubled over in pain. I felt both like I was going to throw up and like I had horrible gas/bowel issues. I went to the bathroom several times and the pain finally subsided. There was never any blood while this was going on, so I assumed that the pain was all stomach/bowel related. I did however break out the super pad for the night instead of just a panty liner. When I woke up there was no blood on the pad, but again the tp looked like I had my period. It is a much less amount each time I go to the bathroom now, however it is more than what it was before I went to the doctor Tuesday and it is all bright red. Some time around 9:00 I should get the call with my HCG levels from yesterday. I can honestly say that I am not looking forward to it. I just can't envision this being a pregnancy that lasts. I desperately want it to, but I don't see it happening. Not with this much blood. How can a cyst the size of a peanut produce so much blood? I just don't think it's possible.

And I feel completely and utterly useless right now. I can't understand what my body is doing. I don't have any idea how I feel, yet the people who know of the pregnancy are constantly asking me that. My only answer has been, "I'll know how I feel after I talk to the doctor." The one thing that I do know is that as much as I really want to have a baby, I think I need to stop after this pregnancy. I have a sort of peace about this; knowing that this is the last time that I will go through these emotions, these physical manifestations. I don't know what I'll do after this, how I will decide to bring children into my family after this pregnancy. I'll certainly speak to another RE to determine if it's possible for me to use a gestational surrogate. And I'll consider adoption again. For me, I don't see one as better than the other. I think, however tacky this sounds, it will likely boil down to affordability of the options. And then go from there. I just...don't know anymore and quite frankly am getting tired of thinking about it all. The stress is not good for me. The lack of focus in other areas of my life is not good.

For now, I'll just take it slow and wait for Dr. P to tell me how I feel.

   [ posted  @ 8:26 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
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  Comments about my post, "This can't be right.":
I am sorry that this is so hard on you and I am thinking about you. Know that whatever happens now and whatever decisions you make in the future you will have a whole bunch of internet friends to "hold your hand" and be there for support.

   Wednesday, May 18, 2005  

I expected there to be some bleeding with the amount of poking and prodding at my cervix yesterday. Remarkably, there was none immediately and none before I went to bed for the night. I woke up this morning to some spots on my panty liner and the amount of blood when I went to the bathroom? I almost fainted. I'm going to call the doctor to make sure that it's what he would expect after an exam like that (seriously, it looked like I had my period, but is actually MUCH lighter after I showered and had gotten all of the blood that collected there during the night off of me). I just got really scared with the large amount of black gooey blood (a string of it about 2-3 inches long!) and bright red everywhere. I think I am going to ask. I'm kind of hoping that maybe all the poking ruptured that damn cyst and now it's just gone gone gone. But I think that may be a bit too much to ask.

(I seriously am afraid of something cancerous. Both doctors looked quite concerned while looking at it.)

   [ posted  @ 7:52 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
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Just remember this - the concern of the doctors may be mainly geared toward concern that the cyst will interfere w/ your pregnancy. Try not to jump to conclusions *hugs*

   Tuesday, May 17, 2005  

The blogger who cried wolf...and found out something weird

Just back from my OB appointment.

I swore my levels were going to have dropped yesterday because symptoms felt less. Apparently either they're just coming and going of their own accord or I've gotten used to them. My hcg went from 3,023 on Friday and Monday was 9,800.

Then I had a pelvic exam...prepare for the weirdness. I have a polyp...no...a cyst...no, a polyp...and the consensus of the doctors and nurses with their heads up my hooha? A cervical cyst.

The cyst is the source of the blood. Ultrasound confirmed that there is no blood near my EXACTLY RIGHT FOR DATES gestational sac and yolk sac! I do not have to have any more blood draws for a while because my veins look so bad with the track marks and the bruising. I have an appointment with my OB on June 1 to look at the cyst again and have another ultrasound. Hoping and praying that things keep going like they have been! Also hoping the cyst goes the fuck away. My doctors are hesitant to cut into it to do a biopsy and certainly don't want to remove it just yet. Their fear is that it will bleed considerably, that it could become infected, or that cutting something there right now could weaken my cervix. NOT what we want. So...we wait, and watch and pray with all we have in us that this does not hurt the baby. (Also, tell my mom AND Mr. W to SHUT UP since both of them said, "Is there any chance it's cancerous? What are the risks of leaving it there?)

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  Comments about my post, "The blogger who cried wolf...and found out something weird":
Dear Cyst - Go the FUCK away and leave Miss W. alone. She does not need the grief you have been giving her!

So glad that your levels are rising and that you have found the source of the bleeding.
Ditto what "P"said...Pulling for your damn cyst to vanish...As a Mom I understand why your mom and hubby asked, but also know why you don't want to hear it....Try to relax..
That's fantastic news! Even as scary as it sounds. I've had the Cervical "C" and I've never heard of it manifesting itself in cysts. Still, not cutting it and weakening your cervix is a good plan. What a pleasant surprise you had for us today!


The one where I've lost all hope

Ok...a recap of beta numbers. Last Monday: 669. Wednesday: 1,292. Friday: 3,023.

I had another blood draw yesterday and will get the results today. I also have an appointment with my OB today.

I don't want you all to get excited about those numbers. My boobs? They had started to hurt pretty badly over the weekend. They were minimally sore yesterday morning. There is no longer ANY soreness. The staining never stopped and is now more red than anything and in greater amounts than before. I'm pretty sure what I'll find out at this appointment. And if that is what I find out? I don't think I'll have a D&C this time. With Mr. W not here, I'd have to rely on a friend to come and pick me up and I'm just not comfortable with that. Besides that, I have my grad school graduation ceremony and a family dinner scheduled for Friday night. It's my last week of full-time work. I just don't have time for this. At all. I mean, I suppose there is a chance that this isn't what's happening, but I seriously doubt it. Seriously. No comments of hope here please. I won't read them until after my appointment this afternoon and quite frankly will NOT enjoy them if the worst is confirmed. Tell me this sucks; tell me you're sorry that things are shit for me. But don't tell me about your brother's wife's cousin's sister-in-law's aunt's best friend's daughter who totally was in the same situation and now she has quintuplets. Seriously.

   [ posted  @ 6:19 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (9) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The one where I've lost all hope":
Just thinking of you....
I really am sorry that things are shitty for you. I am here to listen if you need to vent. I'll be thinking about you.
Thinking of you
Shit, piss, fuck. Oh yeah, crap too. This sucks bigger than I have words for.
My thoughts are with you. So sorry.
I'm so sorry. Keep us updated and let us know if there's anything you need or want us to do. We'll do it.
Breaking out my punching bag costume, just in case.

Thinking of you...
Thinking of you. So very sorry.

Words of warning, stay away from my site for a while now too, k. For your own health.

You take care, and like I said, I'm thinking of you.
That just sucks..I'm sorry and will be thinking about you..

   Monday, May 16, 2005  

The one with no title because it's 6:30 a.m. and I'm too tired!

I don't know how I feel. The staining issue continues. It's not all the time, but it is every day. I'd say about 50-70% of the time I go to the bathroom it's there. This morning it was quite a lot of dark burgandyish red. None in my panties, not a flow, just...there on the TP. I've given up questioning it. Though every time I go into a bathroom I'm chanting in my head "Ok baby...be good...don't scare the mommy." When there is no pink or red, I thank the baby. When it's there? I remind the baby that this is SCARING me and that I'd really like to not be scared.

I'll get the results of Friday's beta today. We'll see. I'm just so...scared...anxious...uneasy? I'm not sure how best to describe it this time.

Yesterday was Mr. W and his mother's birthday. He turned 29, she turned 58 (he was born on her 29th birthday). Mr. W packed things all day yesterday and then we met his parents and sister for dinner. (On a fun note: it was his birthday, yet his parents had spent the afternoon at the mall with his turning-25 sister buying her clothes because "she's poor" -- yet she makes enough money in commissions (she's in sales at a publishing company) that she can afford whatever she wants -- AND they pay HALF of her rent each month! And her cable bill! And her internet!)

Hoping that I can get through the day easily without any more bleeding incidents. I'm just so so scared. So scared. I just can't picture a pregnancy working out. I want it to, so badly, but I have no idea how it is that one actually does. I did try the bribery thing. Saturday Mr. W and I were in NJ at Ikea. This little girl was bouncing around while we were waiting for our furniture to be brought out from the back. She was playing with a frog that she bought inside -- it's a big green frog wearing a gold crown and if you pull his tongue, it's a zipper that opens his mouth and there's a fly embroidered inside. And it was so adorable. Mr. W and I talked about it in the car and decided that the baby, which kind of looks like a shrimp at this stage of development also looks like a tadpole and tadpoles turn into frogs. And then? Mr. W pulled into the Ikea parking lot in Paramus on the way back home. We went inside and bought the frog. Our baby now has a plush elephant rattle and that frog. I just hope it's enough to stick around for.

   [ posted  @ 6:43 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The one with no title because it's 6:30 a.m. and I'm too tired!":
Anxiously awaiting most recent beta. Our thoughts are with you.

   Friday, May 13, 2005  

Here it is, Friday night. I'm exhausted. Finally starting to feel some symptoms...maybe. My boobs are really sore. Then again, I do have two siamese cats who run across my body all night long.

I'm still having the staining issue. Much less frequent now, but still in the pink/red category. Hoping it goes away. Monday I'll get today's beta and progesterone level. Not sure if I posted Wednesday's beta -- was something like 1229, so almost double but not a full 48 hours apart as I went earlier in the day Wednesday. I'm also really looking forward to my first ultrasound. Hopefully it will be Tuesday when I see Dr. P. If not, I'm sure he'll schedule one as soon as he feels we'll have a good chance of seeing something. The latest he's ever suggested I have one was 7 weeks. This just really has to be ok.

A friend of mine today suggested that perhaps this child is like it's mother. In which case she feels that I should bribe the kid now. Her suggestion is that I buy the baby a gift a week (she also thought that once the child develops eyes, I should wave the gift under my vagina so the kid can see it -- she's one sick bitch!). We talked about it and decided that if I go that route, I should determine what I think the baby looks like at each stage of development and buy a stuffed animal that looks like it. At 5 weeks, I think it looks like a shrimp. Have you any idea how hard it is to find a shrimp stuffed animal??? Six weeks would be easier since she and I agree the baby then looks like a manatee. She also reccomends gifts that are shiny since I tend to like those.

Only one problem...I'm too scared to actually keep buying things yet. Maybe soon, but not yet.

When I'm alone, I find myself with my hand on my belly, talking to my baby.

"Listen, and yes, I know you're just an embryo and don't have ears yet, but um...maybe we can have some sort of chemical connection where you know what I'm saying and don't give me that crap about you not having a brain just yet. Listen to me. Your mommy loves you and really just wants you to stick around inside there. Not forever. Just long enough so you can come out and meet your daddy who really really wants to play with you. We love you...so please...just stay with us, ok?"

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  Comments about my post, "":
I hope he or she is listening; I could never turn down an invitation like that. I mean, you'll be providing food and housing, no big deal, but also taking care of literally everything else as well. Pretty sweet.
Hang in there...Every eventless day is a good thing...
Heh heh, your friend is funny.

I like shiny too :)

Hang in there, sending lots of prayers your way for an uneventful 9 month journey.

Keep up the good gestating.

Thinking of you!

   Thursday, May 12, 2005  

The appointment

I had to leave work at 10:30 am to make it to my 11:15 am appointment.

I went in, undressed and wrapped in the paper blanket.

I waited. And waited.

Dr. M came in and said "An ultrasound will do no good...it's still too early."

She asked about the consistency and color quality of the blood; I described it.

She said, "A pelvic exam really won't tell us anything either. Sometimes this just happens. Your hcg doubled from Monday to Wednesday, so that's really our best indicator of this pregnancy, and it looks good."

And then? She patted my foot and submitted this gem to me: "My girlfriend had 2 miscarriages and her third one, with no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever so she was sure it was over, it was just fine. Now she has a son."

She's on my list of people to hate. Makes me take TWO hours off work for an appointment that could have been accomplished on the damn phone!

   [ posted  @ 1:23 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (4) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The appointment":
What a beeotch! I am sorry that the appointment wasn't more helpful and I can't believe that she said that to you! Do they have your results from Wednesday's beta yet?
aarrgh, I hate the way people think they are being supportive and helpful when they say shit like that.
You know what I would've done with my foot...

A total assvice drive-by. I'm sorry, sweetie. Keep us posted and I'll keep my fingers crossed.
Holy farking crap! I haven't checked in with you for a bit and I seemed to have missed a lot! First off - Congratulations!! Second, I'm sorry for the spotting and the wasteful apointment. My thoughts are with you to get through this as uncomplicated as possible.


Emergency appointment

Dr. P isn't in today, so I left a message for one of the other doctors. When I said what I needed to, the receptionist put me on hold and then came back to say, "Can you come in at 11:15 to see Dr. M?" Thankfully, Dr. M was rather nice to me one of the times that I miscarried (the first?) so at least she's nice. I just really wish I were going to see Dr. P -- why does he need a day off? Dammit!

At only 5 weeks, an ultrasound will be useless. So I'm not sure what they'll do. Tell me the results of yestereday's blood work for sure. Hopefully see where the blood is coming from. (FYI: It's mostly gone this morning; some slight blood every other time I go to the bathroom...none at all a few minutes ago)

I just really want this to be easy. DAMN IT!

   [ posted  @ 9:39 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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  Comments about my post, "Emergency appointment":
Dear Universe,

Please give cut our lovely friend here just a LITTLE FUCKING SLACK and let her get through this, huh? Preferably sans freakish bleeding episodes that trigger breakdowns.

Thank you,
Friends of Miss W
I am anxiously awaiting an update. Hope all is okay.


   Wednesday, May 11, 2005  

Can't I get a fucking break????

This may not be anything. It might be something. I, frankly, don't know what it is. I've had a spot-free several days and thought I was past it. I started to be sort of happy today. After my grad class (the last of the semester! Only one summer class and I have a Master's!), I went to the bank and the grocery store. I decided that I wanted orange juice and needed water. I bought one of those 6-packs of lunch-box size cartons, 2 bottles of Evian (1 liter each) and a tuna sandwich.

Apparently that is more than I can carry even though it didn't feel heavy at all. It felt lighter than the bag I carry to classes! And yet when I got home, there is some very light pink in my panties. It's the slightest amount of blood in the cervical mucus on the tp -- seriously so much that it's only pink and not even red. But it's blood. And it's there. And I'm crying because I just want it to go away and leave both me and my baby in peace. I wish Mr. W was here right now. But he isn't. I am truly alone and need to just be an adult. It's not as much blood as I've had with other pregnancies that continued through the bleeds. If it is because of the weight of the groceries, then it's likely cervical. I'm not calling the doctor right now because there's nothing they can do. I'll call in the morning and talk to Dr. P. I had a beta done today; I'm having another Friday. I'm only just now 5 weeks, so an ultrasound really wouldn't be of much use just yet. I just have to wait. If only it were as easy as it sounds.

   [ posted  @ 8:35 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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  Comments about my post, "Can't I get a fucking break????":
Hang in there--that bit of pink may be nothing.

With this pg, I had a week's worth of spotting that started at 5w. It started out bright red and scared the hell out of me. Then it went to pink and brown before tapering off. The doctor could never find a reason for it and I was simply told to take it easy and drink lots of water (more than the 64 oz a day I was already consuming).

Please take it as easy as you are and be good to yourself.

I'll be lurking and refreshing frantically in the meantime :-)
It not a big ask, especially after what you have been through. Uh ah.

Sitting here ready to kick hope up the ass if she gets any more careless.


I did that why?

Proving yet again (as if I somehow needed MORE proof) just how thoroughly insane I am:

I pulled out the pregnancy book I bought last December after I found out about my first pregnancy. I wanted to look at the picture showing the "actual size" of the ball of cells currently calling my uterus home. Sure, I could find pictures on the web, and I did...but I just couldn't find one that showed "actual size." So I got the book out. And then spent over an hour examining the picture of each week of development through week 30. Of course, they chose the week 30 illustration to show a problem! Aren't they kind and clever? At week 30, if your baby's umbilical cord has a great big knot (of the kind I think you have to be a sailor to tie) it will look just like this! How comforting. And of course in my head all I thought was, "wow, if I ever get to 30 weeks, that COULD happen....except I won't, so let someone else worry about cord knots!"

And for the gross news of the day! It was about 85 degrees here yesterday afternoon. My air conditioner is not working properly and there just wasn't a good breeze so opening the windows proved useless at moving the air; it was however rather effective at bringing in the smells from the corner auto repair shop and the city buses that kept driving by spewing diesel exhaust. So, I had to close the windows. I just couldn't deal. As I'm sitting in my skivvies writing a paper for my final class of the semester (tonight! hooray!) I was sweating immensely. And of course, the laptop was on my legs, which were HOT. More sweat. And then it hit me. OH MY GOD MY CROTCH FEELS WET! So...I ran to the bathroom to check for blood only to discover that all of the sweat on my body was pooling in my crotch. Lovely. Now, it's bad that I did the run for blood once; it's insanity that I did it at least five more times after that. And this morning when I woke up sweaty, the first thing I did was check for blood.

I called Mr. W and asked him this question, and now I'm going to ask it of you. Will this ever stop? When things are going well and nothing bad has happened....why can't I just be? I'm not even asking to be happy or excited right now. I know that's asking too much. But why can't I just be? I don't want to be worried and anxiety-filled right now. I want to just be me for a little while. I want to not think about the bad things even if I don't get all hopefilled and put baby trackers on everything. Does it ever stop? Do I ever get to relax and not focus on all that could go wrong? I know that's where my focus will go should I make it to the second trimester...to all the bad...but that's to be expected with my teensy little uterus that should get to 30 weeks. I know I'm at risk for pre-term labor (hahahhaha---labor...I've already been told I'm almost guaranteed a scheduled c-section by no later than week 34). I know that I'm at risk for second-trimester fetal death (even though the RE assures me that I, personally, should get past there...always with the should). So I'm going to ask again...do I ever get to be happy about this? And if there is a time for me to be happy, isn't it in the first trimester before I have to deal with things like planning out my delivery and ways to avoid all the perils I could face? Can't there be SOME justice in all of this?

   [ posted  @ 6:56 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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Sweetie, I can tell you that the fear never really goes away but I think you can put the thoughts of "bad" on the back burner. I know it's hard when you've loved and lost so much but it can be done I think.

Every so often, one will crop up for me, but I push it back down deep where it can't hurt me. I know that might sound silly but it's how I've coped so far. And sometimes they crop up and won't go away for a bit, but eventually they do.

Perhaps Grrl's mantra will help--nothing bad has happened yet (NBHHY). In the early weeks of this pg, I just went with the notion that "for today, I am pregnant," sucky as that thought may have been, it keep me going. And, now 32 weeks later, NBHHY.

How I hope you have your own NBHHY pg, all the way through...oh how I hope this for you :-)
I agree with Dee...here I am, 26 weeks pregnant with two, apparently healthy babies, and still I examine the TP for any signs of something wrong. Seriously. I don't think it's possible to ever completely banish the fear.

I am hoping and praying that all goes well...if you need ANYTHING, just let me know.

Thinking of you and stalking for updates...

   Tuesday, May 10, 2005  

Beta results

Results of yesterday's beta just in: 669.
Progesterone: 42

And that was before I began the progesterone supplements, so that's going to be ok I think. Just hoping for a good double by tomorrow on the HCG. My inner monologue now consists of two words, "Must double." Hoping my uterus is able to get the message ;)

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Double double double double double.

We want a double, and I will continue repeating the word "double" until we get it.
Oh - Nice number!

Bartender, I would like to buy Miss. W. a DOUBLE!
Glad to hear about your good numbers. Sending doubling thoughts your way.



Can we just make this phone ring already?

I'm trying not to get upset, but it's now after 1 p.m. Usually my doctor's office calls with test results by 10 a.m. the day after the test. I still have heard nothing. I've called them twice now and was told that they would call me back with the results. It has me jumping to conclusions that I shouldn't. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if the results were in some way really bad, showing that this pregnancy, too, is DOOMED, and that they're waiting for the doctor to call me and break the news gently. Or maybe they're just really busy and don't have time to deal with me. Or, worse, even though I corrected it this morning: they still haven't changed my contact number in my file!

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What is normal?

This morning I made a startling realization: I do not know what normal is in regards to pregnancy. And of course all the googling in the world is not helping me; it seems there is a vast spectrum of symptoms, feelings, experiences that are considered normal. So here I am, at roughly 5 weeks, questioning EVERYTHING.

I had spotting last week early (implantation?) and then later (???) which could mean something, or nothing. I've had a lot of brown spotting following that. I've had pinching feelings. I've had shoulder pain (which I at first jumped straight to ectopic until my husband reminded me that we were sleeping on the "spare bed" at our new apartment as I've kept the good mattress with me, that he watched me sleep (awww...but also kind of creepy) without rolling over on my left side with my arm in a strange position, and that he also had shoulder pain--and I really doubt he's got an ectopic). My boobs have been sort of sore, but not terribly so like with other pregnancies. I've had some fleeting nausea. I've had copious amounts of cervical mucus (today while getting cleaned up for work, it seriously looked like I blew my nose on the washcloth....and I'll say it for you EEEWWWWWW!).

I should have the results of my first round of bloodwork this morning. I'm really hoping that it's a decent number. I started the progesterone and baby aspirin last night. I've now taken 2 progesterone pills; I'm planning to take the baby aspirin a little while after eating my breakfast. I swear, I feel like I have some sort of disease with all the pills that I have to take.

Enough about the pregnancy. I need to write this now, because I know that I will forget to do it later.

I feel guilty. Extremely guilty. I admire all of you so much; your courage, your determination, your ability to handle the situations you've been dealt. It boggles my mind that there are so many of us with such vast differences in our reproductive abilities all fighting the same battle. And I have to admit that I feel a large dose of guilt. Without drugs, I got pregnant on the 2nd month every time we tried. With the Clomid, it happened the first month. I know this probably is really hurtful to a great many of you, and it should be. I wish that there was some fairness in all of this. But I know there isn't. The one thing that I do know is that there are no guarantees with pregnancy; my history proves nothing if not that. But I still cringe at the thought that the ease with which I became pregnant could be hurting some of you. If you need to quit reading while this is all going on, I understand fully. Just know that I'm still right here, rooting for each of you.

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My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem

   Monday, May 09, 2005  

The one with all the medical mumbo-jumbo

I spoke with Dr. P this morning. He is ECSTATIC! And I'm on 100mg Prometrium 2x/day and baby aspirin (I'm assuming 1 a day since he didn't say specifically and I was too stupid to ask; will ask later). I have serial beta and progesterone checks every Monday, Wednesday and Friday until either I run out of blood or we're satisfied that nothing is going wrong with this pregnancy.

And on a fun note: I just ate one of those lean cuisine spa meal things (I have no pans so I'm forced to eat frozen stuff; stupid moving!). I ate the salmon and rice one with spinach. Ok, apparently not only do I feel sick having eaten it, the sick feeling gets worse when I think about it. Really hoping not to vomit. I just don't have time for that before class. Maybe a slice of pizza during the mass of presentations (twenty-fucking-one of them! note to teachers: do NOT be stupid like my professor and do this on the LAST day of class!) will make me feel better. Or ice cream. Whatever.

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Lurker delurking to say:

Looking forward to your first beta/progesterone results. Glad that Dr. P is so positive! Good luck staying awake in class tonight - 21 presentations... in one night! YUCK!


Monday, Monday

I'm still in Western NY with Mr. W. I just didn't want to go back downstate yesterday. I'll leave when he leaves for work in about an hour and a half. He has to load my cats into the car since I'm not allowed to lift that much. Together with their carrier they weigh probably 20-25 lbs and that's just not a risk I'm allowed to take after Friday.

I'll call Dr. P from the car and will probably have bloodwork done this afternoon. I'm very nervous. So, for reassurance, I broke out the last first response this morning. I just had to make sure that my line was darker than on Saturday -- it is, considerably. I know that really doesn't mean anything in terms of how this pregnancy is going, but it made me feel better to see it.

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   Sunday, May 08, 2005  

I will not panic!

I'm going to blindly and happily assume that this is nothing. But when I went to the bathroom now? Just the slightest bit of pink cervical mucus. Not red. Not blood...but pink in the cervical mucus -- just enough to let me know there is blood in there somewhere. Maybe it's from Friday's incident still working its way through my system. Maybe it's fresh. Maybe I'm losing it. Maybe I'm not. I think I'll wait to see the doctor. Becaues damn it, I am determined to think of this as a happy pregnancy and that's just all there is to it.

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Do you have the didelphys uterus?
I have a unicornuate uterus; only one mullerian duct forming a small, sausage-link shaped uterus on one side.
Could it have been implantation bleeding? That can last for a whole day sometimes.
Sorry, also meant to say congratulations and good luck. I'm hoping for the best for you.



Yesterday I was so low. I was consumed by the fear of what might happen. Based on my past experience, it's a logical fear. If you've done something several times and the results have always been the same, logic would dictate that they would continue to be that way. But in my head, I know that just isn't true. It does NOT have to happen that way. My first loss they aren't sure about on cause; that child was not karyotyped so we just don't know. My second loss was a blighted ovum, obviously a freak genetic issue. My third was in all probability caused by the subchorionic hemmorhage, but was a genetically perfect child. There has been no pattern, so a pattern can not continue. That isn't to say that I think 100% that I'm not going to lose this child. That fear is still there.

Around 4:00 yesterday, I decided I had had enough. I needed to embrace this pregnancy and love it and be happy no matter how long it may last. You see, I never let myself hope with the second pregnancy at all. And as such, I didn't really grieve that loss until months later. To me, it was something that was doomed to end badly. Of course, it did. But I never let myself really love that child. The evening after my D&C, I went outside my building and walked around the Italian street festival. I spent the next two days doing that. And I didn't take time to cry. And to some extent, I regret that lack of feeling.

I know how short lived a pregnancy can be. I've made it to 10 weeks one time and 7 weeks twice. I am not willing to hide this until it feels "safe." I'm not sure that I will ever feel safe. So, at 4:00 yesterday, we got in the car to run some errands. We needed to go to Target. A Babies'R'Us was next door. I laughed and told my husband we should park in one of their expecting mothers' spots. We joked that I'd have to carry around my positive pee stick and flash it as my membership card to use the spots. And then, I did something that I have not done before. I walked in to Babies'R'Us, and I bought a plush elephant rattle. I needed something that would make this baby real. I've never bought something for one of my children before and I needed to do it. Something to acknowledge that there is, in fact, a baby right now. Sure, I bought a rocking chair with the second one, but that was something I had wanted to buy for several years and the man who designs and makes them is only in the area twice a year at an art & craft fair (not "arts & crafts" but actually impressive art and handmade furniture and jewelry). So in all fairness, that chair was for me, not the baby I was carrying at the time. Sure, I said I would rock my children in it, but it was more about my wanting that piece of furniture. The gift I purchased yesterday is actually for my child.

When we got home, I did some research on the hospital in my new city. They have a children's hospital. They have a rather large team of doctors specializing in high-risk obstetrics. They have a level IIID NICU. I feel much more secure knowing that. I'll call them in the next few days so that I can get information for Dr. P to contact them with records, etc.

And then I had a dream...an AMAZING dream. Mr. W and I were at a hospital. I was in a hospital gown, and we both were looking at the most amazing tiny girl in the NICU. *sigh* Not the dream most expectant mothers would have, but at this point? I'll take what I can get.

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  Comments about my post, "4w4d":
OMG! I have just tuned in.


So very proud you have passed the first hurdle.

Don't worry about being shit-scared. I am quivering with you.
Praying for you, babe.
Ok, I normally wouldn't make a comment like this, but I look at your track record, and then I look at my track record, and I have extremly high hopes for this fourth attempt.

Because 1st loss for me, who knows.
2nd loss, blighted ovum.

Third loss was a sch, as well as the sac having issues, but the baby itself was perfect.

Fourth, due any day.

So see, high hopes, and fingers crossed. :)

   Saturday, May 07, 2005  


This morning's test turned positive instantly. I'm scared to death because of yesterday's spotting. Am taking it EXTREMELY easy over the next few days/weeks. Please, hope, good vibe, nice thoughts, pray to whatever you hold holy -- I don't know if I can handle another miscarriage.

Mr. W says he just wants a baby that comes out with all it's parts intact. I told him I wasn't going to be that picky: I just want one that's alive.

Edited to add:
My newest fear, that Mr. W agrees is only slightly obsessive and off the deep end: What if I got a positive pregnancy test but am ALREADY miscarrying beginning with yesterday's bleed? Today, mostly just brown but a little bit purpley and kind of...thick...of course, it's in the rather copious cervical mucus that I've had for a couple of days and not at all like passing clots but. Damn it, I'm a freak! Panicking before I know there is cause for panic. Happy fucking Mother's Day!

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I'm so pulling for you honey..Hang in there, maybe this is the one!!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

With you and hoping.
Ok, keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!

Thinking positive thoughts, and thinking that if you were already losing it, then the test wouldn't have turned so positive so quickly!!!

Hoping this one is the one for you!!
Sending lots of prayers your way.

I spend the last few days away from my computer and I come back to this news--quiet but sincerest congrats coming your way!

Hoping like hell that this baby is a sticky one who decides to stick around for the next 36 or so weeks!

   Friday, May 06, 2005  

What the fuck is going on here???

So...there was no more spotting. And then? I loaded the car and as I was carrying the laundry bag I thought, "this is really heavy." I go back upstairs, go to the bathroom and SPOT!!!!! Go to Starbucks, do some work, spotting is slowing down. Go home, go to bathroom, spotting stopped. Load cats into car, start the drive. But I called my doctors office to speak to the nurse.

Me: Um...Dr. P put me on Clomid this month. I ovulated somewhere around cd17 or a day or so after by OPK. I had some red spotting early this week, which stopped then turned brown, then carried something heavy to the car and started spotting a little bit but I don't feel like I'm getting my period and I don't feel like I'm pregnant at all but it's now cd31 and *CATS STOP HOWLING!!!!* and I'm just not sure what's going on here.

Her (thinking): Shut up you psycho bitch and take a damn test already!
Her (speaking): The red spotting early this week would be right on target for implantation from those dates, or it could be nothing. The brown spotting is old blood, possibly remnants of last month or from the implantation bleed. Today? Well, please DO NOT LIFT OR CARRY ANYTHING until we've confirmed you are not pregnant, ok? Take an HPT tomorrow morning first thing. Call us on Monday regardless; either it will be positive and we'll need to know, negative but without a period on cd34 which we'll need to know, or negative with your period and it will be time to start another round of Clomid. So...relax, do nothing, and call us Monday.

Me: Ok...I'm just...I've just never taken Clomid and didn't know if this normally happens.

Her: Just take the test and call on Monday.

So...Clomid Veterans: Is this normal? Or is my uterus out to get me as I suspect?

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I have nothing useful to say, but am delurking anyway to offer support, sympathy, good wishes, and whatever else is called for.


Period Watch: Day 5

Here we are...cd31. Slight bit of brown cervical mucus today, but that's to be expected a couple of days after a bleed. Still feeling no symptoms one way or the other.

I'm driving this afternoon/evening the 5 hours to see Mr. W. He's on call and can't leave the area, so if I want to see him, I have to be the one to drive. The drive isn't a huge deal, except for the fact that I take my two siamese cats. Last trip they slept the entire way up and howled the entire way back, so I'm a bit hesitant. I'm taking the HPTs along too. If there's still nothing, I'll test tomorrow morning.

The thing is, I'm not sure how I feel about getting pregnant. I mean, I've had every test imaginable, and they've all come back clear. The only slight quirk in any of the bloodwork is that I'm heterozygous for MTHFR; fifty percent of the female caucasian population of the United States is, by some studies. Obviously it's not a problem for all 50%. My doctor suggested possibly taking baby aspirin as a precaution, but really doesn't think it's a problem, and frankly, neither do I. Now, the HSG and the MRI caused the discovery of my unicornuate uterus. My perinatologist (who had not seen the films and who I spoke to before the MRI) feels that it is the cause of my losses just on a gut level since there is nothing else wrong. Her opinion was that I would have many, many losses; that many would be in the second trimester. She was the one to first mention gestational surrogacy and I grabbed onto that glimmer of hope and didn't want to let go. Until I met with the RE who examined the films and my file and pronounced my uterus capable of carrying until at least 30 weeks at which point all recent data points to the infant's survival. He told me that I would have a c-section regardless. He ran a million tests and concluded that I just had bad luck because there is nothing wrong with me. He said that I have no greater chance of miscarriage again than someone who hasn't had one before.

But my personal history paints a different picture. I'm scared to death. I desperately want a child, more than I did before I was pregnant the first time. But if I do become pregnant, how will I survive through 30+ weeks? What if the RE was wrong? Can I really handle another loss? And if he was wrong and I lose again, I feel right now like I will have lost so much time that could be spent moving forward. I will have lost time in finding a gestational surrogate if I choose to go that route (and of course Grrl's latest post about surrogate relationships has me worried that I won't find a good one who clicks with me and oh my god what if the woman who delivers my child hates me????? Or worse, what if I hate her? What--I'm gonna say "that baby I asked you to look after for a while? yeah, you're fired. give it back!"). I will have lost time with the adoption agency/homestudy/paperwork if we choose to go that route. I'm at loose ends this morning. I want a positive HPT; I don't want a positive HPT; I want to be starting the process for my other options ...

I think that for today I'll just forget about it entirely. I'm going to go to work for a few hours (worked my ass off all week so that I'm out today by 1:00 yay!), meet my friend Tina to work on some of the last assignments of the pre-thesis class in our Master's program, pack my car and my cats and drive. It will be late when I get to western NY -- I'm guessing around 11:00 -- so I'll unload the cats, eat some ice cream and go to bed. And hopefully not think about tomorrow's test.

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   Thursday, May 05, 2005  

Return of the Watch

CD 30

Yesterday's period turned into nothing more than one short episode of spotting. It has completely gone away. I am so confused. I seriously think that I hate my uterus for playing such cruel tricks. It got so bad that I even dreamed last night that Dr. P called my mom and told her to congratulate me because I had a beta of 67. And even in my dream I freaked out because, "isn't that really just way too low?" I really hate this.

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Sweetie, I'm sorry this has become so hard. I wish I could say or do something to make it all make sense.

Keep me posted, and if you need anything, let me know.
Hmmm...implantation bleed? You're right, it's in the timeframe for it.

I think 67 would be a respectable #--and those kinds of dreams? Maybe some foreshadowing. I had one myself this go'round and though the beta # was off, the dream wasn't.

How I'm wishing your dream comes true and soon!
Very frustrating. I'm sorry.

If you got a positive OPK on April 23, you're probably only 11 days past ovulation today. I never trust an hpt until 12 days past ovulation. I'd wait and test again tomorrow.

Thinking of you.

   Wednesday, May 04, 2005  

Hope is gone; the watch is over

Gentle readers, we have CD1. Or at least, I think we do. Now I've thought this with all 3 of my ill-fated pregnancies, so, you know, I'm battling with my intellect. I want Hope gone...and yet I desperately am clinging to Hope. I have had about a day and a half of bleeding (light, but definite bleeding) with each of the first 3. Meanwhile, based on the fate of those 3, I really don't want a 4th that begins as they began, do I? And isn't it too early for me to have my period anyway? I got a positive OPK Saturday, April 23. That means that if I ovulated that night (assuming the earliest possible 12 hours after +OPK) then I'm only 11 DPO. I mean...11 DPO is still in the right time frame for an implantation bleed...but...but...I don't want to think like that. And I'm supposed to go back on Clomid on cd3 -- which I can't do if I am pregnant, but I won't know 3 days from now if this was/is implantation bleed! What the hell am I supposed to do?

And of course worst of all is the thought that I won't be using Dr. P for my entire first trimester now because I am only here until the end of June.


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Period Watch: Day 2

CD 29
No signs of impending doom --
Or of pregnancy.

The wait continues.

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   Tuesday, May 03, 2005  

Period Watch 2005

Welcome to Period Watch, Day 1. There will be no more testing (even if I do have 2 more FRER's on the counter). I make no guarantees on this tour--it ain't like one o' those high-falutin' Boston Whale Watches--there are no guarantees that we'll spot the elusive Period. It's highly probable, but I make no guarantees. If we haven't seen one by Saturday a.m., then we'll talk about those tests on my counter.

In the mean time, I'm just going to sit here with my fingers in my ears not thinking about pregnancies or babies or anything else.

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   Monday, May 02, 2005  

Second verse, same as the first


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I'm so sorry. This is all so freakin' hard.
It hurts...I'm so sorry

   Sunday, May 01, 2005  

And the winner is....

The flu! BFFN (Big fat fucking negative)

I've decided not to hope yet. I just can't. There is still time for a positive test this month, but I'm not counting on it. I was so sure of it yesterday. I just can't let myself get invested yet. I didn't bother to test again this morning. I might test tomorrow, but will probably wait until at least Wednesday. I'm taking prenatal vitamins and as a rule don't do anything that would be "dangerous" if the test turns positive, so for now...going to just live my life (in my newly empty and utterly filthy apartment).

   [ posted  @ 9:14 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (0) ]
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