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   Thursday, May 19, 2005  

This can't be right.

Yesterday saw so much blood that Dr. P went ahead and ordered HCG checks for yesterday and Friday of this week. I don't have any clue what is going on. There was so much blood yesterday morning, but it went to the "normal" amounts I'd been seeing all week by the end of the day.

Then last night I was doubled over in pain. I felt both like I was going to throw up and like I had horrible gas/bowel issues. I went to the bathroom several times and the pain finally subsided. There was never any blood while this was going on, so I assumed that the pain was all stomach/bowel related. I did however break out the super pad for the night instead of just a panty liner. When I woke up there was no blood on the pad, but again the tp looked like I had my period. It is a much less amount each time I go to the bathroom now, however it is more than what it was before I went to the doctor Tuesday and it is all bright red. Some time around 9:00 I should get the call with my HCG levels from yesterday. I can honestly say that I am not looking forward to it. I just can't envision this being a pregnancy that lasts. I desperately want it to, but I don't see it happening. Not with this much blood. How can a cyst the size of a peanut produce so much blood? I just don't think it's possible.

And I feel completely and utterly useless right now. I can't understand what my body is doing. I don't have any idea how I feel, yet the people who know of the pregnancy are constantly asking me that. My only answer has been, "I'll know how I feel after I talk to the doctor." The one thing that I do know is that as much as I really want to have a baby, I think I need to stop after this pregnancy. I have a sort of peace about this; knowing that this is the last time that I will go through these emotions, these physical manifestations. I don't know what I'll do after this, how I will decide to bring children into my family after this pregnancy. I'll certainly speak to another RE to determine if it's possible for me to use a gestational surrogate. And I'll consider adoption again. For me, I don't see one as better than the other. I think, however tacky this sounds, it will likely boil down to affordability of the options. And then go from there. I just...don't know anymore and quite frankly am getting tired of thinking about it all. The stress is not good for me. The lack of focus in other areas of my life is not good.

For now, I'll just take it slow and wait for Dr. P to tell me how I feel.

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  Comments about my post, "This can't be right.":
I am sorry that this is so hard on you and I am thinking about you. Know that whatever happens now and whatever decisions you make in the future you will have a whole bunch of internet friends to "hold your hand" and be there for support.

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