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   Friday, July 29, 2005  

As promised...a video clip

Here is a very short video clip that I created from today's ultrasound video. The clip lasts about five seconds and loops continuously. I kept experimenting with making it bigger, however, I was afraid it would take forever for Miss W's pages to load. Heaven forbid. One thing I've learned...do not upset the pregnant momma. -- Mr. W


Baby W makes his/her blog movie debut.

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  Comments about my post, "As promised...a video clip":
Your baby is a star! Love the clip (and jealous that our doc never did a video for us to keep--we were robbed!).

Congrats on one lovely baby--hopefully he/she won't be so modest next time and will show the goods! I too can't wait to hear if y'all should be dreaming in pink or blue :-)


 

Ultrasound shots of the week...

Mmmmmmm.....thumb.......


Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool...


Baby W. is apparently a modest baby. It would not uncross its legs and tell us whether we should dreaming in pink or blue. --Mr. W.

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  Comments about my post, "Ultrasound shots of the week...":
Soon (s)he'll be shootin' some b-ball outside of the school.

Congrats, guys! Even though I haven't been AIMing as much as I should be, know that I'm still following the story as it unfolds on there here pages. Wifey, myself, and the BBQ are all thinkin' about ya.

Well maybe not BBQ. He doesn't think about much besides chew toys and the fact that his parents had his balls cut off.

Bye!
Stupid typos.. "these here pages", not "there here pages". That doesn't even make sense!



   Thursday, July 28, 2005  

The thesis, she is done

I finished writing shortly before 7 pm tonight. I took much time away from writing today (including an hour and a half nap after lunch), so it technically could have been done much sooner. I don't care. It's done. It was burned to cd, saved to a jump drive, e-mailed to me, Mr. W and Mr. W's work account, just in case. We went to Kinko's and printed it (because apparently 60 pages coming out of my laser printer today was just too much to ask and I ran out of toner after about 10 pages), had it bound, packaged it up and it's on the first Fed Ex flight out of here tomorrow morning. It is scheduled to land on my advisor's doorstep on Monday morning.

I called her to let her know this and she said, "Congratulations on finishing your Master's degree! You must be so relieved! Now, go home, lay down, get those feet up, and take care of yourself and that baby!" Please note that she did not say "Congratulations on finishing your paper. You'll know if you have earned your degree in x days." I'm taking this to mean she wasn't kidding when she said I was passing. As for her extreme concern about the baby...well, last year while in the first class she taught at the university, I had to miss several classes due to my first miscarriage. I had her for another class this past spring and she saw me cry more than once as I sat beside a friend who was blissfully pregnant with no problems of any kind; so she asked me about it. She knew a lot of the details of the past year and was extremely worried about me from the start. For all that she's a bit of a flake...she's a good person. And, you know, she's making sure that I have my degree without another revision. So yay!!!!

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  Comments about my post, "The thesis, she is done":
Congrats! I'd buy you a "drink" if I could. I think we're only a three hour drive apart so maybe I will someday.
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delurking to say CONGRATULATIONS!

I can't wait to be finished with my Masters...as soon as I start, that is. ;)

You must be so relieved and proud! Congrats again!


 

A quick post before returning to Thesis Hell

I plan to finish my thesis today. I have completed all but about 5 small parts (alright, so two are the dreaded results and discussion of results; still, I actually understand them now and it won't really take too long). I expect to finish sometime tonight and will then be headed off to the 24-hour Kinkos to have the paper printed, bound, and dropped into a big FedEx envelope!

Today we have hit 16 weeks. For the past couple of weeks (off and on since week 14), I've felt oddness in my lower stomach. Not pain, nothing *bad*... just different. Yesterday it became more frequent and stronger in feeling. I think it might actually be the baby moving. Just maybe. Either that or its some kind of constipation related thing. You know...one or the other.

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  Comments about my post, "A quick post before returning to Thesis Hell":
Here's hoping it's baby, not poop :)

Jessica
Sounds like another form of the "babydance". Sounds good!
Congrats on finishing your thesis (I'm about 40 pages shy of finishing mine and at this rate, I may not finish it--so I'll be ABD as I'm at the end of the 7 years allowed to complete my MA). That's a huge accomplishment--and weight off your shoulders--savor what you've done. And that includes 16 weeks of gestating one wiggly baby--how I hope that's what you're feeling and not a bunch of poop clogging up the pipes!



   Monday, July 25, 2005  

The blatant cry for help (Now with updates!)

I am really trying to not stress out about this. I'm writing my master's thesis. Since I live 5 hours from the school that I was attending, my professor is not making me meet with her for this. I just have to email her questions and updates or call her if there is a pressing problem that I need an immediate response to. Not a problem.

Yesterday I compiled all the work that I had done. It ammounted to 42 pages of information (the 43rd was waiting to go in, but I needed placement help; as soon as I post this, that page is going in).

There are only two sections that I do not have done. The results and the discussion of the results.

That is where the problem comes in. I have NO clue how to do statistics beyond the mean, median, mode and range. So I'm going to pose the question to you and maybe someone will know.

My hypothesis was that there would be no difference in reading comprhension between students grouped homogeneously by ability and those in heterogeneous ability groups. I've scored the pre-tests and post-tests for both groups. I've found the mean, median, mode and range for each test. But how the hell do I find out if there is a statistical difference between the two? How do I even determine any of that? I am so confused. My professor told me to not worry about it since it's pass/fail and she knows that I'm passing anyway.

But folks, that's just not good enough for me. I'm a bit of an academic -- for crying out loud, I love school so much I became a teacher! -- and I just can't handle leaving it be even though I know that it doesn't matter. I want to do it "right". The thing is, I don't have much time. I have to have this paper done, printed, and shipped to her with a postmark of July 30 -- yes, THIS SATURDAY!

So...if you're lurking and you know even the slightest bit about statistics or know how I can go about finding out how to do this (a link to a statistics for dumbasses website perhaps?) NOW would be the time to delurk and give me a clue. Consider it an early birthday present since this paper is being mailed out the day before my 28th birthday.

**********************************************************************************
UPDATE:

As I was panicking about this, I happened to turn to Mr. W and say, Hey, do you think our friend J's wife the calculus teacher knows stats? We both slapped our foreheads for having been so stupid as to overlook this. She has taken not one but four stats classes as a math major. Furthermore, she is certified to teach all levels and subjects of high school math. In short? Major mathematical geek/genius! I explained my dilemma and she was excited about it! She hasn't taught/done stats in a while, so she is viewing this as an exciting and fun challenge that should take her until no later than Wednesday afternoon. She is going to be calling me over the next couple of days with updates on her progress. That will give me until Saturday afternoon to have it all done, printed and shipped the heck out of here never to be thought of again! I could just cry I'm so happy!

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  Comments about my post, "The blatant cry for help (Now with updates!)":
Warning: I'm not a stats expert! This is just what I remember from my biochem major.

I think you need a "student's t test". I can't find a really good explanation online; probably a basic stats book from the library would be easiest. The t test should be in the first chapter or two.

There are two types of t tests, paired and unpaired; paired is if the data sets are related, for example if the two sets of data were about the same set of students. It sounds like your sets are unrelated, so you'd need the unpaired test.

(To do the t test, you'll also need to calculate the standard deviation for both sets. This would also be in a beginning stats book, and the concept is pretty simple.)

Good luck!

--Kate
Yippee on being almost done with your Masters, having a birthday this weekend, and getting the help that you needed!
Thanks goodness for math geeks in this world. Someone has to love it, right?
That IS a relief. I was distracting myself by worrying about your paper yesterday. Isn't that funny?



   Saturday, July 23, 2005  

Mr. W catches you up on the Ultrasounds

June 22, 2005 Ultrasound


June 27, 2005 Ultrasound



July 22, 2005 Ultrasound


I'm going to try and see if I can make a small animated movie from the VHS they recorded for us to share with all of you.

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  Comments about my post, "Mr. W catches you up on the Ultrasounds":
Lovely!
Great u/s pics! Yea for growing baby and mama :-)
Absolutely wonderful............



   Friday, July 22, 2005  

I'm too lazy for titles!

Much too lazy for titles today. Much too lazy to type anything other than the quickest of updates.

Cervix check was good -- they did not give me the measurements, but I think they were all between 35 and 38 mm. I've heard that everything over 25 or 30 mm is good, so I'm going to call that good. There was some blood in the cervix. There is no blood in the uterus. It is assumed that, since I've had some tiny amounts of brown blood (flecks really) in the mucus, this is actually some of the blood leftover from the rather large bleed on June 20. It is not something that anyone is concerned about, so I am not going to be concerned. After all, if nothing bad has happened, then there is no cause for alarm.

Baby looked really good, but was not cooperative enough to let us know if we have a boy or a girl. The kid wouldn't stay still long enough or straighten his/her little legs out. Also, I am only 15 weeks 1 day, so you know...a bit early to easily tell anyway. We'll look again next week.

The tech said it all looked really good, but then the doctor had to talk to me. It turns out that while the brain development looks good, as do the heart, lungs and diaphragm, my little one appears to have only one kidney. They started to go through the whole schpiel about what this potentially means, how it's inconclusive because the kidney could be lower in the pelvis and thus hard to see at this point, yada yada yada... Until I interrupted and said "Heart's good? Fully functional? Brain too? Lungs properly developed? The kidney that you can see appears to be appropriately developed and fully functional?" The answer to all was "Yes, it's all normal." And so I said, "I will be 28 years old at the end of next week. I have had one kidney since birth and the worst complication I've had is excessive urination if I take in too much citric acid. I am not in the slightest bit concerned about one kidney. The child doesn't seem to have any of my other more life-threatening issues, so...this one to me is akin to you saying, 'but the child has a mole on its face.' Don't care."

Others of you might panic about the one kidney thing, but having been born with only one myself, it's just not an issue (As an aside, my doctor's office does 80-100 ultrasounds each day averaging around 500/week. Of these, at least 1 baby each week is minus a kidney on ultrasound).

And now? I totally have to go check for updates on Grrl and the wee Gefilte.

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  Comments about my post, "I'm too lazy for titles!":
I've come to notice that one kidney is not at all a big deal, as my son has only one, too. :) The doctor even said he could play football if he wants to :)



   Tuesday, July 19, 2005  

Should I be offended?

Today I'm hoping that Mr. W doesn't read this. But if he does, well, it's not like I haven't said all of this to him.

We spent the weekend at his parents' house. Now, maybe I'm just overly sensitive to things right now. Every time that we have an ultrasound, we email the pictures to his parents and mine. Mine gush over them each time. I never speak to his parents on the phone, so I assumed that when he talked to them, they did the same.

Mr. W did end up renting the doppler. He didn't tell me he did it, but it arrived on Friday. We immediately took it out and listened to the heartbeat. We then called my mom and let her listen. We called my stepdad at work so he could hear. We called my grandparents and let them listen. Then we packed our bags, got in the car and went to Mr. W's parents' house. When we got there, we told her we had rented a doppler and that it was in the bag if she wanted to listen.

Her response? "No, that's ok. I've heard those before."

???????

Am I just overly sensitive? She has NO grandchildren. This is her first child's first child...and yet, she's heard it before. Mr. W was offended, too, but he's had 29 years of dealings with his mother so he wasn't as hurt by that as I was.

I suppose what really annoys me is that she has two Himalayan cats. She takes pictures of them and frames them. Within the house there are about a dozen framed photos of the cats. There are 4 photos of her family framed; two of them are Mr. W, one taken at our wedding. It just seems so...wrong to me. She expects us to get excited watching her cat play with the little fishing rod thing or watching her cats watch their video catnip. And I so desperately want to say to her, "Yeah, I have two cats. I had several cats when I was growing up. I've seen cats play. I don't need to see your cats play."

I guess for me, just because I have seen or heard something in the past doesn't make it any less special when someone I love does it. I've seen kids play the piano before; that doesn't mean I don't love to see my three year old nephew banging on the keys. I've heard children sing at school before; that doesn't mean I don't need to go see my 11 year old niece's school performances whenever I can.

Am I looking at this wrong? I see it as my mother-in-law not showing interest in or love for her unborn grandchild. And I know that some people just don't bond until they can hold the child, see the child, whatever. The thing is, I know the real risk we face of not making it to a live birth. I view each day that we don't cherish every aspect of this child as a permanent loss. This may be the only time that we can love this child without grief and mourning; this is an opportunity that we can't afford to lose. And yet...she does. She just doesn't seem to be invested in this in the way that I think she should be. I've always known that she is cold and distant from people, preferring cats, new dishes, constantly redecorating her house and whatever she's bidding on ebay for that day to people. I just somehow thought that the concept of being this close to maybe potentially having a grandchild might be a bit of a higher priority for her. Obviously, I was wrong. And I am offended, hurt, and feeling terribly for Mr. W who doesn't have the same support from his mother that we get from mine.

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  Comments about my post, "Should I be offended?":
Seems like a cold bitch to me. Even if it's not important to her(which it should be) she should at least play along to make her son happy. It's a sad, lonely world for people like that.
I don't know her but I know I would feel uncomfortable if my daughter in law asked me to listen...Why? Because a) they didnt' have dopplers when we had babies, b) people weren't as open then as they are now. And I mean open emotionally and physically. People didn't come up and pat you on the tummy etc. It just wasn't done. At least the way I was raised and maybe she was raised the same way. She may not know how to act. The only reason I knew how to act, was because the pregnant one was my daughter, not daughter in law. I'm still not sure I knew how to act but I handled it okay. All I'm saying is, maybe she is very cold, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be. I hope I put this right, it was just a thought...
I'm thrilled for you though. Just listen and enjoy...
She clearly has issues -- let her own them. You just enjoy your pregnancy.

Emily
Sorry to hear about your MIL's apparent lack of interest. That's pretty shitty but apparently she thinks other things are more important (how some people prioritize is beyond me).

But I'm glad to hear that you got the doppler. I do think it'll be comforting for those times when you need it.

Thinking of you....
you what? Jesus, chill out....dont be offenede, just know that not everyone cares that you have a parasite inside of you... thats right, you die, it dies, you dont eat, it doesnt eat... it's a parasite...... as a matter of fact, i got a buddy with a tapeworm problem, next time he's in the john and finds a bit of ole' wormy, ill give YOU a call.... JESUS.....
Sounds completely shitty. But, can I play Pollyanna for a moment? Maybe she's protecting herself. Perhaps, for her, if she hears it it'll be real and she's worried about the risk?

Anyhoo...I'm not really believing my own Pollyanna bullshit.



   Wednesday, July 13, 2005  

The one where I really have nothing to say

I had a post in my head earlier today. Of course, blogger wouldn't let me in at the time. Now? It is gone.

Tomorrow marks 14 weeks. I am going out of my mind waiting until July 22 for the next office visit. I'm already itching to get back in there and find something out. I think there out to be a rule stating that OB appointments must occur on a weekly basis just to keep women from losing their fucking minds!

I still haven't told the rest of my family. Most of them don't know I'm pregnant yet. In fact, many of them don't know that there were 3 pregnancies; they only know about the first one.

And now as I think about it, it isn't "most" of my family who don't know. My mom knows (so does my step-dad, whom I adore!); her parents know; her sister knows, as does her sister's daughter; her brother and his wife might know (never know if the grandparents have mentioned it or not). Many of my mom's mom's brothers and sisters know (I think, though I didn't tell them). My own brother and his wife know as do their two children (their 3 year old son made my parents print a picture of an ultrasound that he carries everywhere telling people that that is his aunt's baby but they can't hold it because it's still in her belly).

People who don't know include my step-dad's six brothers and sisters (yes, I said six. They're a very fertile family) and any of their children. My step-dad's mother does know, however and is quite excited. She is one of the few who was told about all of the others along the way.

And I suppose I should admit that my father does not know. I rarely speak to him, and he almost never calls me. The last time I spoke to him might have been in January when I needed medical history for an RE's evaluation. I didn't even see him over Christmas even though he lives just 10 minutes from my mom (at the time, 12 hours from where I lived). Obviously if he doesn't know, neither does his wife or the two children they adopted (and I do resent their adoption; I'm terrible I know. It was done while I was in high school, with no advance warning to me or my brother. And they chose to adopt because, as my step-mother so eloquently put it, "I will not have a child who could be less than perfect, like your other daughter."). My dad's mom and step-dad do not know; my dad's brother does not know; my dad's three sisters do not know.

I am just having a very hard time finding the words to tell any of these people without it coming out...strangely. I'm not ready to hear all the congratulations. I want them to know that there have been major hurdles to get here and that there are still major hurdles to cross before we know if this will work. I don't like to say it, but I know that I am at risk for 2nd trimester fetal death if my uterus can't expand enough. My RE said, "I guarantee it can probably go to 30 weeks." Not the most reassuring statement. And even if I do make it to 30 weeks, that is no guarantee that my child will be alright. So, I keep putting off telling people.

My grandpa (mom's dad) suggested I just wait until after the child is born and send out pictures with a note that says, "Hey, look what we made!"

Rambling. End post.

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  Comments about my post, "The one where I really have nothing to say":
I second your Grandpa's idea! Thanks for dropping by yesterday.



   Monday, July 11, 2005  

The one where I hit a major milestone

Today I am 13 weeks 4 days pregnant. That officially puts me in the second trimester (13 1/2 weeks = 1/3 of 40 weeks and according to my perinatologists means I am now in the second trimester).

It's a scary concept; me...in the second trimester. Knowing that if it all works out, my baby could potentially be born in 17 weeks (if I go to 30 as anticipated).

On July 22 I have my next appointment. On that day we're going to begin doing ultrasounds every 1-2 weeks to track cervical changes in case of incompetent cervix (higher risk in people with unicornuate uterus). These ultrasounds will continue throughout the rest of my pregnancy.

Strict bed rest restrictions have been lifted. I am now on "restricted mobility" rather than stuck on my back all the time. I have also been taken off of the twice daily Prometrium pills. It really frightens me; we don't know what has contributed to the success of this pregnancy thus far so the inevitibility of changes in the status quo terrifies both me and Mr. W.

To make me even more uneasy with the entire situation, I have been feeling worse than I have the entire pregnancy. I am more nauseated. I feel hot all the time. I probably have the flu but I can't even find my thermometer to know if I have a fever thanks to the fucking move and the "lifting boxes" restrictions of my doctors (In this "restricted mobility" I can pick up my cat, but nothing heavier; my cat is about 10 pounds of solid muscle).

Now, stupid me, I told my mother that I was feeling worse and she went on a rant about how in the second trimester I should feel better and not worse and shouldn't I talk to my doctor about this? (Forget the fact that I had just been to the doctor!) And then? When she caused me to panic because clearly my mother is insinuating that there is a serious problem with the pregnancy. After calming down, I realized that it is possible that I am feeling the effects of stress, fear, and the stretching and growing of my uterus affecting my stomach (I have severe scoliosis; if my spine were straight I would be about 5'6 based on x-ray and MRI data from several prominant surgeons. Instead? I am not quite 5'1 [alright, I am 5'0" and a fraction of an inch]. This means that I have really long legs for my height and a miniscule torso -- not much room for things to move around as the baby grows even the slightest bit). Or maybe all of that paranthetical crap was me rationalizing to prove that my mother is wrong. I can't say for sure. But until I have real reason to suspect a problem, I'm going to assume that all is well.

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  Comments about my post, "The one where I hit a major milestone":
I'm about 2 weeks behind you and currently most of my friends are pregnant. Several of them complained that they still felt nauseous and tired partway through their second trimester (pne was still exhausted at 24 weeks). My mother was still vomiting at 5 months. I wouldn't let your continued symptoms worry you too much. Try to take it as a reminder that the baby is growing(that's the angle I'm going with) :)



   Thursday, July 07, 2005  

The one with even more neuroses

Today I am 13 weeks pregnant. I am still uncomfortable with the entire situation. I have another appointment with the perinatologist tomorrow. This will be my first appointment without an ultrasound scheduled. Since we were able to hear a heartbeat with the doppler on the last visit, they don't think it's necessary to do another ultrasound.

Proving my neuroses once again (as if anyone needs further proof of that!), Mr. W wants to rent a doppler ... But I won't let him. My biggest fear is that if we rent one, we would have a problem before it gets here. On the other hand, I can't go two weeks between appointments again without some kind of proof that things are still ok. I can go one week without completely losing it, but two is just too much.

And as I slowly get past the fear of miscarriage, I begin to fear the issues of incompetent cervix and pre-term labor that are common among women with uterine anomalies. In addition to that, for the past three generations, Mr. W's family have produced abnormally LARGE babies (literally, his grandmother? a 14 pound baby. His mother? 10 pounds. Mr. W? 12 pounds. His sister? 10 pounds...and she was induced a full MONTH early because the doctors feared the size she would reach if she went full term! Now, with my small ute...how exactly can I handle something like that??? I fear it now because members of my family, when looking at pictures of me taken two days ago said, "You look at least 5 months!!!" and, "Are you sure this isn't twins??") November, when I hit 30 weeks, just seems so very far away and so impossible to achieve.

I just wish I could decide if renting a doppler would make me feel better...or worse. I simply don't know what the right thing to do is.

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  Comments about my post, "The one with even more neuroses":
Rent the doppler. I couldn't have survived this pregnancy without mine. I still won't return it, even though the kid is karate-chopping me on a regular basis now.

And if you rent from babybeat.com it practically comes the day after you order it. Two days, tops. Not a lot of time to leave you in freaking-out-I've-jinxed-everything limbo.
Go ahead, rent it. It'll make you feel better.

Hugs.
I think it helped Zoot a lot. It has been good for her to have around if she gets an urge just to check on NikkiZ...
Congratulations MissW on making it to 13w.

To be the dissenter amongst your readers, I wouldnt rent the doppler. At 16w my ob couldnt find the heart beat with his. I of course freaked out until he found the little sucker on the ultrasound machine.

So, had I have rented my own doppler and one day failed to hear the heartbeat - I would have just died. Would I have been able to rush in and get an emergency scan to find it? Probably not. So I prefer to live in harmouious oblivion where no news is good news.

Of course its up to you and it has the benefits your other readers mention. But they also have their downfalls.

Good luck
kath
Me, I had to rent the doppler. I am just so neurotic and wanted the ability to be able to hear that beat anytime I had doubts...and I had plenty. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I began to question whether I should send it back, especially since I could feel the baby moving around so much and that was reassuring. But sometimes she was still...and I needed that doppler just as I had in the early days.

If I were you, I'd rent it. Just the reassurance of having it to check could be helpful. And if not, then don't rent it. Either way, I know you and Mr. W will decide what's best for the two of you.

Hang in there my friend....



   Tuesday, July 05, 2005  

The one where I bite off a much better post than this one will be

After a few days of disconnect from the blogosphere, I spent the morning catching up on all my favorites. And I was immediately brought to tears reading this post by Karen.

I do recognize her pain and angst. I can't fathom the feelings of going through the adoption process and I have to admit that I do see how gut-wrenching it could be. And Karen expressed it beautifully.

However, I felt this issue on a different level. And I'm sure that I am going to offend a great number of you, specifically Karen. This is not my intention; I would never intend to do that to women whom I admire so greatly. But I feel I have to say this.

I am jealous of the women who adopt. Intensely jealous. I am also jealous of the women who get pregnant and give birth, regardless of how the got there: the "normal" way, or via some method of ART. I'm jealous of Grrl and her choice to use a surrogate.

And I am angry. Deeply angry at my own body. I am angry that I can become pregnant. I am angry that so far it has never worked out for me. Even now as I am nearly in my second trimester, much further than I have ever been, I cannot be happy. I simply can't relax into pregnancy. I know too well that with my condition, it is highly likely that I will have a second trimester loss. It is quite possible that I will experience pre-term labor before we can schedule a c-section at a time that is "safe" for the child to survive. I can't be happy.

For me, I might have been more happy had my RE instructed me to not become pregnant. In fact, that is what I had wanted him to say. I went so far as to get a list of resources from the fabulous Grrl to research the possibilities of using a gestational surrogate. Mr. W and I went through each and every link that she supplied. We pored over the information. We researched multiple adoption agencies and various programs, finally selecting Guatemala (neither of us are 30 yet, rendering our other choice, China, out of reach for the time being). We explored costs involved with each option, surrogacy and adoption. We planned out how long it would take us and what we would have to do to afford it as soon as possible.

And then, the unthinkable. My RE said that I should just "try again." That none of my three miscarriages meant anything in terms of my ability to carry a child. Here I am...knowing that there is no medical reason that I shouldn't be able to carry to 30 weeks when my child should be able to survive. And yet, I just can't shake the feeling that for me, this just isn't going to work.

I'd like to stop feeling jealous at women who are adopting and know that something is going to work out for them. I'd like to stop feeling jealous of women using a gestational surrogate, knowing that they stand a much better chance than I do.

Worse, I'd like to stop feeling jealous for the many women who continue to have negative betas. Please, don't hate me for this. I'm sure that for those women, it's a hell I could never imagine. But, knowing what I know, with the history that I have...I can't tell you how much more sane I felt when my tests were negative. I am not saying that I wish my current pregnancy hadn't occurred. I do want this child, and if I have a successful outcome, I know that I'll be thanking God for the positive test that Mr. W has tucked inside one of the drawers in the bathroom. However right now, the fear that I am feeling is something that perhaps only a recurrent miscarrier can understand. It's fear, remembrance of the past, and despair for the future (based on past experience). And yet it's also guilt. I feel so guilty for not being happy, not being excited, not being able to relax and just let myself fully love the child I'm carrying.

With each passing day, I become more and more convinced that this is truly the last time I will become pregnant. It is the last time I can allow myself to be submitted to this kind of torture, regardless of the outcome. Even if I do give birth to a child, I simply cannot do this again. Maybe we'll decide to have an only child. Or we'll re-open all the files we created when considering adoption.

And who knows...maybe as we go through all of this I'll be able to stop feeling jealousy and anger toward the fertile, the infertile with negative betas, the infertile with positive betas (yes, I do feel the same way about them, knowing that in many instances when they become pregnant, the pregnancy continues and the knowledge that unless they have a fucked up uterine anomaly like I do, they generally have a better chance than I do), those able to use a gestational surrogate, those who are adopting... I just hate that I feel like this and honestly, the anger and the jealousy seem to swallow me, leaving me feeling empty and numb inside.

   [ posted  @ 10:13 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The one where I bite off a much better post than this one will be":
You said it so well -- I'd only add to the list those who've actually had a successful pregnancy. I'm hoping that there's a point where I don't think that my current pregnancy will end badly, but that simply hasn't been my experience. It has to get better, right?
I respect your honesty; what you said will not sit well with everyone.

I will say, now that I'm on the other side of the fence, to me it's always better to at least get that chance. I used to curse my ability to get pregnant every time I tried (six times in 15 months after my son was born), but in the last year, I haven't gotten pregnant once. Yes, the miscarriages were awful. But to not even have a chance, to not even have those days of hope, is painful in it's own way. In some ways, it's worse. A friend of mine once told me that she felt I was luckier than most because at least I could get a positive beta, that she knew women who would have been happy to at least have a few weeks of happiness even if it ended in a miscarriage. At the time it really pissed me off. Now, I kind of get it. The broad expanse of months and months (or years) of nothing, is really a sadness unto itself.

We each deal with our own pain in our own way. Some of us will never know the joy of a positive beta or an ultrasound with a heartbeat. That's awful in it's own way. You may not enjoy your pregnancy. That too is awful to deal with. Everything you've said is perfectly valid because it's how you feel. I hope the day comes when you can enjoy your pregnancy and that in a few months, you're holding a healthy baby.

Take care.


 
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