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   Sunday, June 29, 2008  

Prayers for Blue

I just got an email from Blue. I don't want to say anything that she might not want out there at large, but please, join me in praying for Blue, Azure and their family.

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I remember Blue. I'll keep her in my thoughts.

   Friday, June 27, 2008  

Worst. Mother. Ever.

When I take the lowercase anywhere in the car and need to get something out after I've gotten him out of his seat, I always tell him to stand with both hands touching the car. It keeps him where I need him to be and away from moving cars.

It's been a perfect system. Until last night.

Last night, in our own driveway, we were unloading the car while he wandered around. We pulled his new picnic table out of the back and started toward the back yard to unpack it. The lowercase started to follow. I looked to be sure it was clear and SLAMMED the hatch of our small SUV/crossover type car. And then came the scream.

It seriously felt like slow motion when I know it was no more than 5 seconds. I saw my son's right hand INSIDE the closed door. I opened the door, Mr. W swooped the lowercase up in his arms while I ran inside for an ice pack. We called a nurse friend to see if she thought he would need an X-ray -- his hand was in the normal position but extremely red and swollen. She suggested we have him examined at the Urgent Care facility that is just a couple of blocks away. So within about 5 minutes of the accident, we were in the exam room. They thought it looked fine, and by that point he was giggling and playing with a basket of stickers. Still, they thought we should have an X-ray at the hospital just to be sure that there was no real damage that anyone was missing.

Which is why at 10:00 last night I was sitting with the radiologist listening to the fact that, yes, my son was indeed fine with no broken bones. As we carried him back to the car, he looked at me and said "Mommy you slammed the car door on my hand." It was all I could do not to cry or throw up.

When we got home, the lowercase kept asking me why I looked sad. I told him that I was scared. "You were scared of the lady?" "No, baby, I was scared you were hurt. I was worried about you." "And I was worried about YOU, Mommy."

   [ posted  @ 9:19 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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  Comments about my post, "Worst. Mother. Ever.":
Oh, how scary for you. You're not the worst mother ever. I have a feeling we all have and will continue to do things like this. (Did I mention the time I dropped BG on her head on the edge of a metal gate?)
Oh, no! Poor guy and poor mom! I hope you are both feeling better soon. And like the PP said, we all do things by accident - remember I tripped and fell face forward with my 6 week old in a front carrier. He's fine and someday you will be too.

   Saturday, June 21, 2008  

Why is it that most of the time I can be completely ok with where we are in our family but not always?  Why can I be ok with hearing about other people's pregnancies only to feel that quick stab of pain when I see a picture of a college friend holding her first child (much younger than mine) with a big pregnant belly?

And why have I spent a large part of yesterday and today wondering what the little girl I miscarried in November 2004 would look like and who she would be now?

And why do I still feel a bit disloyal to the lowercase for even admitting that I wish that my body had held on to my daughter longer than the 8 weeks it did?   Why do I feel bad for him at the thought that there will one day be another?  And why do I sometimes feel like maybe I should just stop the journey into surrogacy and go on as we are so that things don't change for him?

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Why, you ask? Because you're a mom, and because you're normal!

These thoughts and questions are completely normal, I assure you. Making the decision to try for another child is monumental--having another will forever change the dynamic of your family...ergo, it's only normal to be somewhat questioning the "fallout" of adding someone else to your brood :-)

You wonder, "How can I do that to ____(insert child's name here) when they've been 'alone' with us all of this time?"

"How can I share myself with another child?" and the biggie..."How can I love another child as much as I love this one?"

You can and you do, and it all just sort of comes naturally so go easy on yourself.

And you know what, even if you decide to 'cash in your chips and go home with what you've got,' you're still rich in so many ways.

   Tuesday, June 17, 2008  

My favorite new author

Last week while coloring at the kitchen table as I read a book beside him, the lowercase announced something that made my nerdy little heart giddy!

w:  I will write my story now.

W: Ok sweetie.

w: Let's see.  Once upon a time...  *humming contentedly while coloring*

w: Mommy, YOU do the letters part.  On the paper.  With the pen.

W:  Ok. *grabs pen*

w: Once upon a time there was an ooooooold man...

And now, without further ado, my son's first story!

Once upon a time, there was an old man.  He looked like a guy.  He liked to work on his computer.  He sang a song.  He was happy.  The End.

Seriously, I think my heart could explode from the cuteness!  Especially when he told us later that "actually, it's quite finished."  (I really wonder, do Mr. W and I talk like that?  Because our child tends to speak as though he's the host of masterpiece theater!)

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Natalie says, "Actually," all the time, and once or twice has replied to a question with, "Indeed." Which she gets from me. :blush:

   Wednesday, June 11, 2008  

Growing up

Over the last couple of days, I've become much more calm and Zen about everything.  To be sure, there is still a lot to learn and things could work out or not with the surrogate that we're talking to.

And I'm ok with that.

Mr. W is still in procrastination mode...sort of.  For him, if we're not planning to do something until AFTER December, he doesn't see the need to start looking until December.  However, he does understand that I need a bit more than that.  More time, a more developed relationship with the woman who would carry my baby.  So, as in most things related to our family (from conception of children to developmental milestones and when and what are issues to parenting techniques and discipline) I do the research, I make an informed decision and then tell him about it and why it's a good decision.  I don't know...it works for us.  I'm the one with the degree in elementary education with an extensive background in child development.  I also have a more thorough understanding of human reproduction (he knows how it works, I know a bit more about the hormones involved, beta levels, and on and on...the things all women who have had reproductive issues are well-versed in...the things I thought all women were until I actually started talking to my fertile friends about their pregnancies).  So those are my responsibilities.  He has an innate understanding of all things technological.  Anything computer related, TVs, DVDs, GPSs, cell phones, cars (beyond body style, color and interior fabrics/colors) are all his domain.  He does the research there and he sets everything in motion -- I just come in at the last minute and say things like "That SUV has a cuter butt than that one.  Let's get it in red.  With light gray leather interior...and 8 passenger instead of 7."  But he's already done the research and knows it's a good car before I come into the picture.

I guess that's the clearest picture of where we are.  I'm trying to relax, realizing that we have a bit over 6 months before we plan to start making decisions, and quite frankly, if it isn't right at that point, we don't have to take the best available...we can wait for the very best situation.  We  just can't do it sooner than that.  And Mr. W is focusing on the areas of our lives together that he's best at (like ordering my new car, replacing our cell phones with the 2nd generation iPhones...)

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   Wednesday, June 04, 2008  

Am I in Junior High here?

I swear, I never expected this aspect of the surrogacy process!  I'm still talking to someone.  But I get that feeling of "Ohmygod! I hope she likes me!" way more often than I would care to admit.  Each time I send her an email, I find myself worrying 6-12 hours later that maybe the fact that I have no new e-mail is because she's decided that she doesn't like me.  Completely illogical, I know.  I mean, come on, this is a woman who has FIVE children (three older, two about a decade younger), she has a job (she's a NICU nurse), and just generally a lot going on with the graduation of one child and the rest getting out of school for the summer.  It's not like she's spending all of her time waiting for e-mail!

Of course, surrogacy isn't an entirely logic driven endeavor.  There are issues of the heart, trust, and love involved in all of it in ways that are much more complicated than I had anticipated.  I think the best way to describe this part of the process would be to compare it to a romantic relationship in fast forward.  You meet someone, you start to get to know them, you talk about things like birthing processes (natural? vaginal? c-section? vbac?) and philosophies of life (abortion? selective reduction?).  You talk about your health, your families' health, your financial situation, all leading up to getting someone pregnant and delivering your child.  For me, this is someone who will always have to be a part of my life and of the life of my child.  This is someone that I have to be certain is worthy of being introduced to and involved in the life of the lowercase as well as my future child (or children).  I want her to be someone who we'd enjoy meeting somewhere for a vacation together...essentially like adding another aunt to the family.

So when I find someone who, to this point seems like someone who could fill that role?  I worry that she might find someone else that she thinks would fill that role better for her.  It's something that she could very well do (I don't know how many intended parents she's talking to and have been too chickenshit to ask).  And of course, we've been talking less than a month and neither of us are looking to move forward until winter (she wants a VBAC but isn't cleared to do so until then; we don't have the money to do so until then) so there are still a lot of things that could change about the way we both feel as we get closer to that point.  Still, right now?  I'm a ball of nerves!

   [ posted  @ 3:16 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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  Comments about my post, "Am I in Junior High here?":
Isn't it a weird place to be? I remember being somewhere similar some years ago with our donor. It's like a freaky kind of dating.

I hope she likes you!
All the things you describe are generally the same things that surrogates want. It's how most of us would like to be considered in their IPs' lives. And honestly, most of us are also sitting behind our computers wringing our hands and feeling the same way. I hope that you two are on the way to a future match!

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