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   Tuesday, July 22, 2008  

The Call

All of us in the W household are finally (mostly) healthy again and we actually have no company.  So, I worked up my courage and placed a call to Texas.

Now, luckily for me, she wasn't there so I was able to leave a message on her voice mail.

Of course, I did get to sound like a total dork when she called me back about an hour later.  I honestly haven't been that nervous in...well, I can't remember being that nervous in years -- I've quite possibly never been that nervous about something.

But...I think she still likes me (she said she would have her new insurance plan figured out by the time it would be needed) and I definitely still feel comfortable with her.  So...this is a step forward?

   [ posted  @ 12:29 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (3) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The Call":
It sure sounds like one to me :-)

You go W Family!
Getting past the phone call and still feeling comfortable with each other is a HUGE step forward! Very exciting!
I think it is definitely a step forward! That first phone call is very nerve-wracking.

   Thursday, July 17, 2008  

What should I say???

We're planning to call the surrogate by the end of this week.  Which I suppose means tomorrow since I just realized that it is actually already Thursday (where did this week go????)

I am beyond nervous about this call.  Through email, she and I have already discussed what we each want out of this -- how we envision our interactions, the level of contact we'd like during and after, how I feel about her desire for a VBAC (totally on board).  So um...the only thing we haven't really talked about is money.  And I am sooo uncomfortable talking about money.  To me,  money (in every situation) is a necessary evil.

This is where you come in...and I need you to come in full-force.  What should I talk about/ask/say in this call???  Kym -- you've been through this call before -- what did you want your IPs to say or ask?  I just feel like we're really close on this (assuming we're in sync on the whole filthy lucre aspect).

*****Update:  Just received an email from a clinic around an hour away.  The doctor there will also work with us!  And the local clinic (13 minutes from my front door) is willing to do local monitoring while cycling!  This could maybe really happen!

   [ posted  @ 3:23 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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  Comments about my post, "What should I say???":
This is so exciting! Good luck with the call tomorrow!!!
Oh no! I'm so sorry that I didn't see this post much sooner! Seeing as how I'm nearly ten days late and you've already talked to her, you've probably already discussed this. I feel pretty crummy that I didn't see this post sooner! If you still have questions or need some advice, you can email me or comment on my blog!

   Friday, July 11, 2008  

The W family has been incredibly busy over the last several weeks.  We've thrown a party, hosted 7 house guests (including our kindergarten nephew and 1 year old niece), prepared dinner for Mr. W's dad and sister, AND all come down with one hell of a summer virus!

The lowercase has had temperatures as high as 102 since Thursday night (I don't remember what day it is, so I have no idea how long we've been this sick!) -- thankfully it does come down with motrin, fluids and naps...unfortunately it's gone back up several times.

Somehow during all of that, I had Mr. W read through several of the e-mails from the surrogate that I've mentioned a few times.  We talked about the fact that her description of what she's looking for is almost word for word how we would describe what we're looking for.  And, I'm not going to lie, we both love love love that she is a NICU nurse.  It's funny because if she didn't think the way we do it wouldn't matter, but since she does that's like the cherry on the sundae.  NICU nurses are a (well) known commodity for us -- we've depended on them, entrusted them with the lowercase when they could do for him what we could not...  For us, that is something that says "will do anything to make sure this baby is healthy."  (I know that people in other fields would as well; I myself would do anything I had to for *any* child regardless of who his/her parents were)

I emailed her and told her how we felt -- basically exactly what I just wrote here.  She sent me back a message saying that she really likes us and feels the same way.  She gave me her phone numbers and asked me to call or said that she would be willing to call us if we didn't want to pay for the call as she has free long distance (we do, too, thank you Vonage -- but I just thought that was incredibly sweet for her to offer!).

Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to call her anytime soon.  The virus in me has manifested as an incredibly sore throat.  I kind of sound like a 47 year old chain smoking auto mechanic named Bud.  I'd joked about that earlier in the day...and then a short while ago, I answered a phone call from a friend who asked "Is Miss W there?"  "Um...C...it's me"  "Oh.  Um.  Wow.  I thought your dad was still there."

We have guests arriving Sunday night (one of Mr. W's friends, his wife, their 3 kids and possibly his brother and his wife's mother).  Here's hoping that I'm well enough to deal with it.

   [ posted  @ 7:25 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
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Eek, sorry to hear about the summer bug running its course through the W household. Be gone soon cursed virus!

Call me crazy, but I enjoy having a slew of houseguests--especially when they're on vacation. It kind of makes me feel like I'm on vacation too, in a way.

Nice news on the potential surrogate/NICU nurse. It sounds promising and that, my friend, is a lovely thing.

Hope you get to feeling better soon and that more progress is in your future :-)

   Wednesday, July 02, 2008  

In the depths

It's funny how I had convinced myself that I'm OK.  I am most definitely not.

This past weekend we had a barbecue and invited the moms that I've become friends with over the last two years of mommy and me classes.  We invited another couple we're friends with who are dealing with primary infertility and I was so worried about them dealing with FIVE 2 year olds running around that it didn't hit me how hard it was going to be on me.

At one point, the men were out in the yard playing with the 2 year olds while all the women sat on the patio.  That's when it hit me -- EVERY OTHER WOMAN HAD A BABY IN HER LAP.  They all had children the same age as the lowercase and a second child between 7 and 10 months old.  Another family came later with their 2 year old -- she is currently 26 weeks with twins.  A friend we met when our first children were in the NICU together couldn't come because her OB has her activity levels reduced to try to prevent her 2nd daughter from being born prematurely, too.

And then I find out that my epileptic friend (the one with the recently diagnosed autistic son, the one who has been told that her medications are being linked to autism in the offspring of mothers taking it during pregnancy) is 5 weeks pregnant.

It's official.  I am the last one.  The only one that I know.  Hell, even the bloggers that delivered in the same time frame that I did are either pregnant with or already have had a second child.

And it hit me this morning.  I am still angry at my body.  I am still upset with what it can't do.  I look at the lowercase and I am beyond grateful...yet I still feel that my body did fail him.  That it did cause him to suffer in his early days in a way that he never should have had to.  It's caused my husband to be very reticent to do this again -- he lived through the miscarriages and the NICU just as I did and he's so afraid that any attempt to have another child (regardless of method) is just opening us up to greater pain.

It has caused me to hate my body.  I still haven't lost all of the weight that I gained with the lowercase.  I'm actually a bit more than 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (which was 10 pounds over my pre-3-miscarriages weight).  I feel fat and unattractive, but despite saying I want to lose the weight (and knowing that I, in fact, do) I've done nothing.  I counted up some points for a few weeks, lost about 8 lbs...and am slowly gaining it back.  I just don't have the desire to actually do the work to get what I want.  I think in part it's because my body has let me down so mightily that I just don't think it's worth it.  (Why yes, yes I would cut off my nose to spite my face, apparently)

I was reading Zoot's blog today and saw that she was doing this 100 pushups thing -- so I thought, "Huh...wonder if I can do any at all."  I impressed myself by doing 8 (girl style).  Mr. W came upstairs and I told him that I could, so very proud of myself.  He laughed and said he didn't think he could do any anymore and, disbelieving, asked me to do one.  So, I did.  And then he said, "Yeah.  Kind of.  But um...isn't your back supposed to be perfectly straight?  Haven't you seen real people do them?"

I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about 20 minutes.  I didn't speak to him for even longer -- we got in the car to go get lunch at a Mexican place I like.  I told him that I wasn't actually mad at him but very hurt -- here I am trying to find something that my body can do and that I can be proud of it for and he trashed that in one breath -- further proof that my body can do nothing.

I'd like to say that I'm in a better place and that I'm on my way out of the low place.  I'm not yet.  I ate taco salad and guacamole and lots of habanero salsa.  I'm still crying as I think about it.

I want to put myself back together...but I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.  Am I always going to feel this disgust and distrust of my own body?

   [ posted  @ 3:34 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (0) ]
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