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   Saturday, June 21, 2008  

Why is it that most of the time I can be completely ok with where we are in our family but not always?  Why can I be ok with hearing about other people's pregnancies only to feel that quick stab of pain when I see a picture of a college friend holding her first child (much younger than mine) with a big pregnant belly?

And why have I spent a large part of yesterday and today wondering what the little girl I miscarried in November 2004 would look like and who she would be now?

And why do I still feel a bit disloyal to the lowercase for even admitting that I wish that my body had held on to my daughter longer than the 8 weeks it did?   Why do I feel bad for him at the thought that there will one day be another?  And why do I sometimes feel like maybe I should just stop the journey into surrogacy and go on as we are so that things don't change for him?

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Why, you ask? Because you're a mom, and because you're normal!

These thoughts and questions are completely normal, I assure you. Making the decision to try for another child is monumental--having another will forever change the dynamic of your family...ergo, it's only normal to be somewhat questioning the "fallout" of adding someone else to your brood :-)

You wonder, "How can I do that to ____(insert child's name here) when they've been 'alone' with us all of this time?"

"How can I share myself with another child?" and the biggie..."How can I love another child as much as I love this one?"

You can and you do, and it all just sort of comes naturally so go easy on yourself.

And you know what, even if you decide to 'cash in your chips and go home with what you've got,' you're still rich in so many ways.

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