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   Tuesday, July 05, 2005  

The one where I bite off a much better post than this one will be

After a few days of disconnect from the blogosphere, I spent the morning catching up on all my favorites. And I was immediately brought to tears reading this post by Karen.

I do recognize her pain and angst. I can't fathom the feelings of going through the adoption process and I have to admit that I do see how gut-wrenching it could be. And Karen expressed it beautifully.

However, I felt this issue on a different level. And I'm sure that I am going to offend a great number of you, specifically Karen. This is not my intention; I would never intend to do that to women whom I admire so greatly. But I feel I have to say this.

I am jealous of the women who adopt. Intensely jealous. I am also jealous of the women who get pregnant and give birth, regardless of how the got there: the "normal" way, or via some method of ART. I'm jealous of Grrl and her choice to use a surrogate.

And I am angry. Deeply angry at my own body. I am angry that I can become pregnant. I am angry that so far it has never worked out for me. Even now as I am nearly in my second trimester, much further than I have ever been, I cannot be happy. I simply can't relax into pregnancy. I know too well that with my condition, it is highly likely that I will have a second trimester loss. It is quite possible that I will experience pre-term labor before we can schedule a c-section at a time that is "safe" for the child to survive. I can't be happy.

For me, I might have been more happy had my RE instructed me to not become pregnant. In fact, that is what I had wanted him to say. I went so far as to get a list of resources from the fabulous Grrl to research the possibilities of using a gestational surrogate. Mr. W and I went through each and every link that she supplied. We pored over the information. We researched multiple adoption agencies and various programs, finally selecting Guatemala (neither of us are 30 yet, rendering our other choice, China, out of reach for the time being). We explored costs involved with each option, surrogacy and adoption. We planned out how long it would take us and what we would have to do to afford it as soon as possible.

And then, the unthinkable. My RE said that I should just "try again." That none of my three miscarriages meant anything in terms of my ability to carry a child. Here I am...knowing that there is no medical reason that I shouldn't be able to carry to 30 weeks when my child should be able to survive. And yet, I just can't shake the feeling that for me, this just isn't going to work.

I'd like to stop feeling jealous at women who are adopting and know that something is going to work out for them. I'd like to stop feeling jealous of women using a gestational surrogate, knowing that they stand a much better chance than I do.

Worse, I'd like to stop feeling jealous for the many women who continue to have negative betas. Please, don't hate me for this. I'm sure that for those women, it's a hell I could never imagine. But, knowing what I know, with the history that I have...I can't tell you how much more sane I felt when my tests were negative. I am not saying that I wish my current pregnancy hadn't occurred. I do want this child, and if I have a successful outcome, I know that I'll be thanking God for the positive test that Mr. W has tucked inside one of the drawers in the bathroom. However right now, the fear that I am feeling is something that perhaps only a recurrent miscarrier can understand. It's fear, remembrance of the past, and despair for the future (based on past experience). And yet it's also guilt. I feel so guilty for not being happy, not being excited, not being able to relax and just let myself fully love the child I'm carrying.

With each passing day, I become more and more convinced that this is truly the last time I will become pregnant. It is the last time I can allow myself to be submitted to this kind of torture, regardless of the outcome. Even if I do give birth to a child, I simply cannot do this again. Maybe we'll decide to have an only child. Or we'll re-open all the files we created when considering adoption.

And who knows...maybe as we go through all of this I'll be able to stop feeling jealousy and anger toward the fertile, the infertile with negative betas, the infertile with positive betas (yes, I do feel the same way about them, knowing that in many instances when they become pregnant, the pregnancy continues and the knowledge that unless they have a fucked up uterine anomaly like I do, they generally have a better chance than I do), those able to use a gestational surrogate, those who are adopting... I just hate that I feel like this and honestly, the anger and the jealousy seem to swallow me, leaving me feeling empty and numb inside.

   [ posted  @ 10:13 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The one where I bite off a much better post than this one will be":
You said it so well -- I'd only add to the list those who've actually had a successful pregnancy. I'm hoping that there's a point where I don't think that my current pregnancy will end badly, but that simply hasn't been my experience. It has to get better, right?
I respect your honesty; what you said will not sit well with everyone.

I will say, now that I'm on the other side of the fence, to me it's always better to at least get that chance. I used to curse my ability to get pregnant every time I tried (six times in 15 months after my son was born), but in the last year, I haven't gotten pregnant once. Yes, the miscarriages were awful. But to not even have a chance, to not even have those days of hope, is painful in it's own way. In some ways, it's worse. A friend of mine once told me that she felt I was luckier than most because at least I could get a positive beta, that she knew women who would have been happy to at least have a few weeks of happiness even if it ended in a miscarriage. At the time it really pissed me off. Now, I kind of get it. The broad expanse of months and months (or years) of nothing, is really a sadness unto itself.

We each deal with our own pain in our own way. Some of us will never know the joy of a positive beta or an ultrasound with a heartbeat. That's awful in it's own way. You may not enjoy your pregnancy. That too is awful to deal with. Everything you've said is perfectly valid because it's how you feel. I hope the day comes when you can enjoy your pregnancy and that in a few months, you're holding a healthy baby.

Take care.

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