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   Tuesday, July 19, 2005  

Should I be offended?

Today I'm hoping that Mr. W doesn't read this. But if he does, well, it's not like I haven't said all of this to him.

We spent the weekend at his parents' house. Now, maybe I'm just overly sensitive to things right now. Every time that we have an ultrasound, we email the pictures to his parents and mine. Mine gush over them each time. I never speak to his parents on the phone, so I assumed that when he talked to them, they did the same.

Mr. W did end up renting the doppler. He didn't tell me he did it, but it arrived on Friday. We immediately took it out and listened to the heartbeat. We then called my mom and let her listen. We called my stepdad at work so he could hear. We called my grandparents and let them listen. Then we packed our bags, got in the car and went to Mr. W's parents' house. When we got there, we told her we had rented a doppler and that it was in the bag if she wanted to listen.

Her response? "No, that's ok. I've heard those before."


Am I just overly sensitive? She has NO grandchildren. This is her first child's first child...and yet, she's heard it before. Mr. W was offended, too, but he's had 29 years of dealings with his mother so he wasn't as hurt by that as I was.

I suppose what really annoys me is that she has two Himalayan cats. She takes pictures of them and frames them. Within the house there are about a dozen framed photos of the cats. There are 4 photos of her family framed; two of them are Mr. W, one taken at our wedding. It just seems so...wrong to me. She expects us to get excited watching her cat play with the little fishing rod thing or watching her cats watch their video catnip. And I so desperately want to say to her, "Yeah, I have two cats. I had several cats when I was growing up. I've seen cats play. I don't need to see your cats play."

I guess for me, just because I have seen or heard something in the past doesn't make it any less special when someone I love does it. I've seen kids play the piano before; that doesn't mean I don't love to see my three year old nephew banging on the keys. I've heard children sing at school before; that doesn't mean I don't need to go see my 11 year old niece's school performances whenever I can.

Am I looking at this wrong? I see it as my mother-in-law not showing interest in or love for her unborn grandchild. And I know that some people just don't bond until they can hold the child, see the child, whatever. The thing is, I know the real risk we face of not making it to a live birth. I view each day that we don't cherish every aspect of this child as a permanent loss. This may be the only time that we can love this child without grief and mourning; this is an opportunity that we can't afford to lose. And yet...she does. She just doesn't seem to be invested in this in the way that I think she should be. I've always known that she is cold and distant from people, preferring cats, new dishes, constantly redecorating her house and whatever she's bidding on ebay for that day to people. I just somehow thought that the concept of being this close to maybe potentially having a grandchild might be a bit of a higher priority for her. Obviously, I was wrong. And I am offended, hurt, and feeling terribly for Mr. W who doesn't have the same support from his mother that we get from mine.

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  Comments about my post, "Should I be offended?":
Seems like a cold bitch to me. Even if it's not important to her(which it should be) she should at least play along to make her son happy. It's a sad, lonely world for people like that.
I don't know her but I know I would feel uncomfortable if my daughter in law asked me to listen...Why? Because a) they didnt' have dopplers when we had babies, b) people weren't as open then as they are now. And I mean open emotionally and physically. People didn't come up and pat you on the tummy etc. It just wasn't done. At least the way I was raised and maybe she was raised the same way. She may not know how to act. The only reason I knew how to act, was because the pregnant one was my daughter, not daughter in law. I'm still not sure I knew how to act but I handled it okay. All I'm saying is, maybe she is very cold, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be. I hope I put this right, it was just a thought...
I'm thrilled for you though. Just listen and enjoy...
She clearly has issues -- let her own them. You just enjoy your pregnancy.

Sorry to hear about your MIL's apparent lack of interest. That's pretty shitty but apparently she thinks other things are more important (how some people prioritize is beyond me).

But I'm glad to hear that you got the doppler. I do think it'll be comforting for those times when you need it.

Thinking of you....
you what? Jesus, chill out....dont be offenede, just know that not everyone cares that you have a parasite inside of you... thats right, you die, it dies, you dont eat, it doesnt eat... it's a parasite...... as a matter of fact, i got a buddy with a tapeworm problem, next time he's in the john and finds a bit of ole' wormy, ill give YOU a call.... JESUS.....
Sounds completely shitty. But, can I play Pollyanna for a moment? Maybe she's protecting herself. Perhaps, for her, if she hears it it'll be real and she's worried about the risk?

Anyhoo...I'm not really believing my own Pollyanna bullshit.

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