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   Sunday, May 08, 2005  


Yesterday I was so low. I was consumed by the fear of what might happen. Based on my past experience, it's a logical fear. If you've done something several times and the results have always been the same, logic would dictate that they would continue to be that way. But in my head, I know that just isn't true. It does NOT have to happen that way. My first loss they aren't sure about on cause; that child was not karyotyped so we just don't know. My second loss was a blighted ovum, obviously a freak genetic issue. My third was in all probability caused by the subchorionic hemmorhage, but was a genetically perfect child. There has been no pattern, so a pattern can not continue. That isn't to say that I think 100% that I'm not going to lose this child. That fear is still there.

Around 4:00 yesterday, I decided I had had enough. I needed to embrace this pregnancy and love it and be happy no matter how long it may last. You see, I never let myself hope with the second pregnancy at all. And as such, I didn't really grieve that loss until months later. To me, it was something that was doomed to end badly. Of course, it did. But I never let myself really love that child. The evening after my D&C, I went outside my building and walked around the Italian street festival. I spent the next two days doing that. And I didn't take time to cry. And to some extent, I regret that lack of feeling.

I know how short lived a pregnancy can be. I've made it to 10 weeks one time and 7 weeks twice. I am not willing to hide this until it feels "safe." I'm not sure that I will ever feel safe. So, at 4:00 yesterday, we got in the car to run some errands. We needed to go to Target. A Babies'R'Us was next door. I laughed and told my husband we should park in one of their expecting mothers' spots. We joked that I'd have to carry around my positive pee stick and flash it as my membership card to use the spots. And then, I did something that I have not done before. I walked in to Babies'R'Us, and I bought a plush elephant rattle. I needed something that would make this baby real. I've never bought something for one of my children before and I needed to do it. Something to acknowledge that there is, in fact, a baby right now. Sure, I bought a rocking chair with the second one, but that was something I had wanted to buy for several years and the man who designs and makes them is only in the area twice a year at an art & craft fair (not "arts & crafts" but actually impressive art and handmade furniture and jewelry). So in all fairness, that chair was for me, not the baby I was carrying at the time. Sure, I said I would rock my children in it, but it was more about my wanting that piece of furniture. The gift I purchased yesterday is actually for my child.

When we got home, I did some research on the hospital in my new city. They have a children's hospital. They have a rather large team of doctors specializing in high-risk obstetrics. They have a level IIID NICU. I feel much more secure knowing that. I'll call them in the next few days so that I can get information for Dr. P to contact them with records, etc.

And then I had a dream...an AMAZING dream. Mr. W and I were at a hospital. I was in a hospital gown, and we both were looking at the most amazing tiny girl in the NICU. *sigh* Not the dream most expectant mothers would have, but at this point? I'll take what I can get.

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  Comments about my post, "4w4d":
OMG! I have just tuned in.


So very proud you have passed the first hurdle.

Don't worry about being shit-scared. I am quivering with you.
Praying for you, babe.
Ok, I normally wouldn't make a comment like this, but I look at your track record, and then I look at my track record, and I have extremly high hopes for this fourth attempt.

Because 1st loss for me, who knows.
2nd loss, blighted ovum.

Third loss was a sch, as well as the sac having issues, but the baby itself was perfect.

Fourth, due any day.

So see, high hopes, and fingers crossed. :)

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