What is normal?
This morning I made a startling realization: I do not know what normal is in regards to pregnancy. And of course all the googling in the world is not helping me; it seems there is a vast spectrum of symptoms, feelings, experiences that are considered normal. So here I am, at roughly 5 weeks, questioning EVERYTHING.
I had spotting last week early (implantation?) and then later (???) which could mean something, or nothing. I've had a lot of brown spotting following that. I've had pinching feelings. I've had shoulder pain (which I at first jumped straight to ectopic until my husband reminded me that we were sleeping on the "spare bed" at our new apartment as I've kept the good mattress with me, that he watched me sleep (awww...but also kind of creepy) without rolling over on my left side with my arm in a strange position, and that he also had shoulder pain--and I really doubt he's got an ectopic). My boobs have been sort of sore, but not terribly so like with other pregnancies. I've had some fleeting nausea. I've had copious amounts of cervical mucus (today while getting cleaned up for work, it seriously looked like I blew my nose on the washcloth....and I'll say it for you EEEWWWWWW!).
I should have the results of my first round of bloodwork this morning. I'm really hoping that it's a decent number. I started the progesterone and baby aspirin last night. I've now taken 2 progesterone pills; I'm planning to take the baby aspirin a little while after eating my breakfast. I swear, I feel like I have some sort of disease with all the pills that I have to take.
Enough about the pregnancy. I need to write this now, because I know that I will forget to do it later.
I feel guilty. Extremely guilty. I admire all of you so much; your courage, your determination, your ability to handle the situations you've been dealt. It boggles my mind that there are so many of us with such vast differences in our reproductive abilities all fighting the same battle. And I have to admit that I feel a large dose of guilt. Without drugs, I got pregnant on the 2nd month every time we tried. With the Clomid, it happened the first month. I know this probably is really hurtful to a great many of you, and it should be. I wish that there was some fairness in all of this. But I know there isn't. The one thing that I do know is that there are no guarantees with pregnancy; my history proves nothing if not that. But I still cringe at the thought that the ease with which I became pregnant could be hurting some of you. If you need to quit reading while this is all going on, I understand fully. Just know that I'm still right here, rooting for each of you.