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   Friday, May 06, 2005  

Period Watch: Day 5

Here we are...cd31. Slight bit of brown cervical mucus today, but that's to be expected a couple of days after a bleed. Still feeling no symptoms one way or the other.

I'm driving this afternoon/evening the 5 hours to see Mr. W. He's on call and can't leave the area, so if I want to see him, I have to be the one to drive. The drive isn't a huge deal, except for the fact that I take my two siamese cats. Last trip they slept the entire way up and howled the entire way back, so I'm a bit hesitant. I'm taking the HPTs along too. If there's still nothing, I'll test tomorrow morning.

The thing is, I'm not sure how I feel about getting pregnant. I mean, I've had every test imaginable, and they've all come back clear. The only slight quirk in any of the bloodwork is that I'm heterozygous for MTHFR; fifty percent of the female caucasian population of the United States is, by some studies. Obviously it's not a problem for all 50%. My doctor suggested possibly taking baby aspirin as a precaution, but really doesn't think it's a problem, and frankly, neither do I. Now, the HSG and the MRI caused the discovery of my unicornuate uterus. My perinatologist (who had not seen the films and who I spoke to before the MRI) feels that it is the cause of my losses just on a gut level since there is nothing else wrong. Her opinion was that I would have many, many losses; that many would be in the second trimester. She was the one to first mention gestational surrogacy and I grabbed onto that glimmer of hope and didn't want to let go. Until I met with the RE who examined the films and my file and pronounced my uterus capable of carrying until at least 30 weeks at which point all recent data points to the infant's survival. He told me that I would have a c-section regardless. He ran a million tests and concluded that I just had bad luck because there is nothing wrong with me. He said that I have no greater chance of miscarriage again than someone who hasn't had one before.

But my personal history paints a different picture. I'm scared to death. I desperately want a child, more than I did before I was pregnant the first time. But if I do become pregnant, how will I survive through 30+ weeks? What if the RE was wrong? Can I really handle another loss? And if he was wrong and I lose again, I feel right now like I will have lost so much time that could be spent moving forward. I will have lost time in finding a gestational surrogate if I choose to go that route (and of course Grrl's latest post about surrogate relationships has me worried that I won't find a good one who clicks with me and oh my god what if the woman who delivers my child hates me????? Or worse, what if I hate her? What--I'm gonna say "that baby I asked you to look after for a while? yeah, you're fired. give it back!"). I will have lost time with the adoption agency/homestudy/paperwork if we choose to go that route. I'm at loose ends this morning. I want a positive HPT; I don't want a positive HPT; I want to be starting the process for my other options ...

I think that for today I'll just forget about it entirely. I'm going to go to work for a few hours (worked my ass off all week so that I'm out today by 1:00 yay!), meet my friend Tina to work on some of the last assignments of the pre-thesis class in our Master's program, pack my car and my cats and drive. It will be late when I get to western NY -- I'm guessing around 11:00 -- so I'll unload the cats, eat some ice cream and go to bed. And hopefully not think about tomorrow's test.

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A Little Pregnant
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