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   Wednesday, May 11, 2005  

I did that why?

Proving yet again (as if I somehow needed MORE proof) just how thoroughly insane I am:

I pulled out the pregnancy book I bought last December after I found out about my first pregnancy. I wanted to look at the picture showing the "actual size" of the ball of cells currently calling my uterus home. Sure, I could find pictures on the web, and I did...but I just couldn't find one that showed "actual size." So I got the book out. And then spent over an hour examining the picture of each week of development through week 30. Of course, they chose the week 30 illustration to show a problem! Aren't they kind and clever? At week 30, if your baby's umbilical cord has a great big knot (of the kind I think you have to be a sailor to tie) it will look just like this! How comforting. And of course in my head all I thought was, "wow, if I ever get to 30 weeks, that COULD happen....except I won't, so let someone else worry about cord knots!"

And for the gross news of the day! It was about 85 degrees here yesterday afternoon. My air conditioner is not working properly and there just wasn't a good breeze so opening the windows proved useless at moving the air; it was however rather effective at bringing in the smells from the corner auto repair shop and the city buses that kept driving by spewing diesel exhaust. So, I had to close the windows. I just couldn't deal. As I'm sitting in my skivvies writing a paper for my final class of the semester (tonight! hooray!) I was sweating immensely. And of course, the laptop was on my legs, which were HOT. More sweat. And then it hit me. OH MY GOD MY CROTCH FEELS WET! So...I ran to the bathroom to check for blood only to discover that all of the sweat on my body was pooling in my crotch. Lovely. Now, it's bad that I did the run for blood once; it's insanity that I did it at least five more times after that. And this morning when I woke up sweaty, the first thing I did was check for blood.

I called Mr. W and asked him this question, and now I'm going to ask it of you. Will this ever stop? When things are going well and nothing bad has happened....why can't I just be? I'm not even asking to be happy or excited right now. I know that's asking too much. But why can't I just be? I don't want to be worried and anxiety-filled right now. I want to just be me for a little while. I want to not think about the bad things even if I don't get all hopefilled and put baby trackers on everything. Does it ever stop? Do I ever get to relax and not focus on all that could go wrong? I know that's where my focus will go should I make it to the second trimester...to all the bad...but that's to be expected with my teensy little uterus that should get to 30 weeks. I know I'm at risk for pre-term labor (hahahhaha---labor...I've already been told I'm almost guaranteed a scheduled c-section by no later than week 34). I know that I'm at risk for second-trimester fetal death (even though the RE assures me that I, personally, should get past there...always with the should). So I'm going to ask again...do I ever get to be happy about this? And if there is a time for me to be happy, isn't it in the first trimester before I have to deal with things like planning out my delivery and ways to avoid all the perils I could face? Can't there be SOME justice in all of this?

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  Comments about my post, "I did that why?":
Sweetie, I can tell you that the fear never really goes away but I think you can put the thoughts of "bad" on the back burner. I know it's hard when you've loved and lost so much but it can be done I think.

Every so often, one will crop up for me, but I push it back down deep where it can't hurt me. I know that might sound silly but it's how I've coped so far. And sometimes they crop up and won't go away for a bit, but eventually they do.

Perhaps Grrl's mantra will help--nothing bad has happened yet (NBHHY). In the early weeks of this pg, I just went with the notion that "for today, I am pregnant," sucky as that thought may have been, it keep me going. And, now 32 weeks later, NBHHY.

How I hope you have your own NBHHY pg, all the way through...oh how I hope this for you :-)
I agree with Dee...here I am, 26 weeks pregnant with two, apparently healthy babies, and still I examine the TP for any signs of something wrong. Seriously. I don't think it's possible to ever completely banish the fear.

I am hoping and praying that all goes well...if you need ANYTHING, just let me know.

Thinking of you and stalking for updates...

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