Thursday, November 04, 2004

I'm still alive. I'm not well, but I'm alive. The past few days have been horrible. I've been bleeding heavily, running a slight temperature, and breaking down every few minutes.

This is just incomprehensible to me. I was afraid of something like this before we ever decided to begin trying to have children. I had genetic counseling done. I had cardiac testing done. I had pulmonary function testing. I had thorough exams of my scoliosis and spinal cord damage. I had ultrasounds to look at my uterus and ovaries for obvious abnormalities. EVERYONE said I would be fine, that I could do this.

I lost the first one, "it's just a fluke, these things happen, it's God's will, nature's way of taking away flawed genetics..." I tried again and lost the second. "I don't know what the fuck just happened. Things were going great. Probably still not a 'problem'." We did the genetic counseling, the karyotyping, the million and twelve blood tests. No problems. Try again. You should be ok. But we can do the HSG and the endometrial biopsy first, if you want. No. I didn't want.

I got pregnant again. And now this.

I just don't understand how it can keep happening. I'm 27 years old. I had always thought that I would be done having children by the time I was 28 or 29. I thought that I would have 2 or 3. I thought that everything would be so good. That I would be that suburban mom, with the two story house, the white picket fence, swingset and sandbox in the back yard.

And now I don't think I ever will be. I'm going to go ahead and have the tests run, see the RE that I will be referred to soon. But I don't know if I'm going to try again. I'm sure I probably will. I just don't want to yet. Then again, I also don't think I'm going to shower, get dressed and leave my house ever again, and I know I will. I just don't want to yet.

What I do know is what I will do if the tests show that there is a reason that I have trouble carrying a child. If I am told that I could probably eventually have a child, but that I'll likely lose many, many more...then I'm out. I'll ask to have my tubes cut/tied (whatever they do now). Fuck it, let them remove the fucking uterus then. I just don't care. I only know that I will not go back on birth control for the rest of my "fertile" years. Because that isn't fair. Making me take a pill because I "might change my mind" when I know what the outcome will be? Don't think so. I am not strong enough to go through this much more.

A friend said the other day, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, if you believe that crap." So I asked her, "How fucking strong do I really need to be?" How strong do any of us need to be? Because this doesn't feel like 'strong' to me. It feels like 'broken'. It feels like 'irreparable'. It feels like 'weak'. It feels like 'failure'. It feels like so many things. But it doesn't feel like 'strong'.

Before I end this today, I need to thank you all for your kind words and thoughts over the last few days. I prefer to email people back normally, but with this, I'm not sure there is a response. Most of you know this pain. You have an inkling of where I'm at, because you've been there, too. I need to say thank you. Thank you for your empathy, your sympathy, and for reminding me by the fact that you aren't here anymore that someday I won't be either. I needed that reminder.

[ posted @ 8:44 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (5) ]
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Comments about my post, "":

I want to say you'll be ok, and all that bullhonky, but at the same time, how do I know, right? Its just the crap you want to say to someone who is in pain. It sucks really really bad.

I don't think that going through this makes you stronger. No way, no how. At least not for me.

I think it makes you more afraid, more bitter, more pessimistic. For those who get stronger, yay for them.

I was talking to my husband about you, because I really really hate what you are going through, because I have kinda been there, in my own way, and I don't like the idea of someone going through it.

I was telling him about the fact that you don't know about trying again. And how there was this part of me that wanted to but on the assvise hat and say, hey but look at me, I have made it on my fourth try, and I didn't think I'd ever make it, hell, I thought I'd be in a mental hospital right now.

And I told him that I couldn't say that to you, it's against the rules, its assvise, yadda yadda yadda.

And yet, its sometimes the only stupid thing that comes to our heads, because I'm sorry doesn't seem like enough. Even though it is, and it has to be. Because when you are going through that kind of pain, you don't want to hear anything. Well, anything that contains platitudes of you'll be ok, its gods will, something was wrong, oh you can just try again, ect.

Ok, who knows where I'm going with this, other than I'm sorry, there is nothing I can say, even though a million things are running through my mind, and I hope you can get things figured out. But here goes my biggest assvise hat ever, and you can ignore it if you want, and just not even read my next sentance, and if you go on, you have been warned, and its your own fault. Got it, got the warning?? I am giving unsolicited assvise here, and if you don't want to read it, don't go on, and now you can't yell at me, so HA. And in case you don't read on, just know I am thinking of you daily, I lurve you and I hope everything starts getting better, and watch out for that fever, and take care of yourself, and all that stuff.

Kris
Brokenornot
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Try not to make any drastic decisions while you are in this much emotional pain. That is all.

[ Permalink ] posted by Brokenornot : 1:25 PM

I second what Kris said...make you stronger, bs...if that's the case, I'm frigging Atlas already and don't need anymore help. Even Sampson looks like a skinny minny compared to me in terms of strength. It hasn't made me stronger -- it's made me bitter. Stronger is when something bad happens, you recover and then life continues plesantly on -- NOT some crap happens and keeps happening. No, that does not make you stronger, but makes you angry.

There is nothing I can say because I know how much this sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that your appointment with the doctor will lead to the discovery of the problem and on to finding a solution.

xxxooo,
Emily
scrambledeggs

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 2:47 PM

Oh my, this is horrible suffering. I feel so bad for you. Indeed, who would want to be any stronger?

In the end, you will be OK, and you will have your children.

[ Permalink ] posted by brainhell : 12:50 AM

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

[ Permalink ] posted by April : 5:26 PM

I am sorry I am a bit late on commenting- I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Take care, I'll be checking in to see how you are doing.

[ Permalink ] posted by Mare : 6:45 PM