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   Tuesday, November 09, 2004  

A Post for the Sake of Posting

Having multiple miscarriages changes a person. Completely. I used to have a happy life. I had a great husband. I was getting my masters degree. I had friends that I would go out and do things with. I cared about things. I was interested in the state of the world. I cared about causes. I threw great parties. I had a clean house. I shopped. I went to the gym faithfully every day. I looked really great in all my clothes.

A year filled with miscarriages has changed all of that. I still have a great husband. I am still working on my masters. I suppose I still have friends, but I don't see them anymore. I speak to them occasionally on the phone but I don't actually call them. In fact, I cringe when the phone rings and I see their names on the caller ID. I care about nothing but the state of my uterus, whether it be empty from surgery or full with a fresh pregnancy (and just waiting an indeterminate number of weeks to require surgery). I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't go to the gym. I don't have clothes that fit me, let alone clothing that looks good. At this point, I settle for clothing that causes my husband to say, "yeah, that looks ok. It's not too wrinkled and it's kind of clean." I also don't throw parties anymore. Because who would come? I've become that girl that people try to avoid--the one who's always got it so bad. The girl that you ask, "How are you?" out of obligation and then pray she doesn't answer.

I hadn't posted this week yet because I didn't want my blog to turn out as one of my parties would. I kept thinking that soon, maybe I would have something to say. The truth of it, though, is that I don't. I can only think about the fact that I'm still bleeding from my surgery. Or that my follow up appointment is next Thursday, the 18th. That I'll be referred to someone else for testing and that means I won't be seeing Dr. P much for a while.

I've also been asking myself the same question over and over. "Am I happy?" I ask my husband this several times a day, "Are we happy?" I mean, if you could take away this one aspect of our lives that has us both so depressed that we just can't get it together to care about a lot of other things in life (see the above), are we happy? Or has the loss of our three children so fully robbed us of hope and joy that we are just slowly drowning together?

I'm afraid it's the latter. And I want to do something about it. Really. I do. I just haven't figured out what. Because in my head, I know that my husband is still the same funny, warm, loving man he's always been. But there's just so much pain there. And deep down I probably still do care about all of the things that I used to. I just can't get to them. Those areas of my brain have become blocked. I only hope it's temporary.

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  Comments about my post, "A Post for the Sake of Posting":
This comment is bought to you by the drug Lexapro:

I felt like this after my m/c. I nearly left my marriage as I just couldnt see away out of my misery. I was tired of hurting and whilst i knew the pain wouldnt disappear, leaving would enable me to ache over something else. A lesser pain???

Anyway I started anti-depressants shortly afterward and they have enabled me to function like I a normal person. Its only afterward that I realised just how bad I was.

Oh when I say normal, I still dont go out and do any of the things you mention in your post. I can however be productive at work.
Your post broke my heart, and unfortunately, I have no advice to pass along. Just know that I love you and I'm rooting for things to start looking ujp for you soon...
I could have written your post, word for word. The only thing different is I don't have a masters degree. I'm a Jimmy Choo/Manalo kind of girl and now I fish around on the floor to find something that isn't too wrinkled and kind of clean.

I don't know the answer sweetie, really I don't because I've got an entire blog dedicated to this effing 'journey'.

Thinking of you and just letting you know that I'm here for you.

What a heartwrenching post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Reading this helps me because it's how I feel. I don't care about anything else but what's next.
What a heartwrenching post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Reading this helps me because it's how I feel. I don't care about anything else but what's next.

- beaver girl
I just wanted to say I'm sorry about all this. We're in the same boat and you summed it up pretty well.
Wow. I never knew so many people could feel the same way that I feel right now. It is awful. My heart aches for you. I just got back from my first visit with the RE today. I feel like something is broken inside of me and i don't quite know what it is yet. I feel.. defective. WHY WHY WHY does this have to be so difficult?!?!?!
I have been there myself. I wish I had some secret that would help you get through this easier but I don't. I don't know why it all has to be so hard but know that you're not alone in these feelings, these changes that have come along during the journey. I'm hoping it's temporary too and I'd wager that it very well is. Hang in there.

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