Tuesday, November 09, 2004
A Post for the Sake of Posting
Having multiple miscarriages changes a person. Completely. I used to have a happy life. I had a great husband. I was getting my masters degree. I had friends that I would go out and do things with. I cared about things. I was interested in the state of the world. I cared about causes. I threw great parties. I had a clean house. I shopped. I went to the gym faithfully every day. I looked really great in all my clothes.
A year filled with miscarriages has changed all of that. I still have a great husband. I am still working on my masters. I suppose I still have friends, but I don't see them anymore. I speak to them occasionally on the phone but I don't actually call them. In fact, I cringe when the phone rings and I see their names on the caller ID. I care about nothing but the state of my uterus, whether it be empty from surgery or full with a fresh pregnancy (and just waiting an indeterminate number of weeks to require surgery). I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't go to the gym. I don't have clothes that fit me, let alone clothing that looks good. At this point, I settle for clothing that causes my husband to say, "yeah, that looks ok. It's not too wrinkled and it's kind of clean." I also don't throw parties anymore. Because who would come? I've become that girl that people try to avoid--the one who's always got it so bad. The girl that you ask, "How are you?" out of obligation and then pray she doesn't answer.
I hadn't posted this week yet because I didn't want my blog to turn out as one of my parties would. I kept thinking that soon, maybe I would have something to say. The truth of it, though, is that I don't. I can only think about the fact that I'm still bleeding from my surgery. Or that my follow up appointment is next Thursday, the 18th. That I'll be referred to someone else for testing and that means I won't be seeing Dr. P much for a while.
I've also been asking myself the same question over and over. "Am I happy?" I ask my husband this several times a day, "Are we happy?" I mean, if you could take away this one aspect of our lives that has us both so depressed that we just can't get it together to care about a lot of other things in life (see the above), are we happy? Or has the loss of our three children so fully robbed us of hope and joy that we are just slowly drowning together?
I'm afraid it's the latter. And I want to do something about it. Really. I do. I just haven't figured out what. Because in my head, I know that my husband is still the same funny, warm, loving man he's always been. But there's just so much pain there. And deep down I probably still do care about all of the things that I used to. I just can't get to them. Those areas of my brain have become blocked. I only hope it's temporary.
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