Thursday, November 11, 2004
I was going to post about going to my grad class last night and how we had to go to the theater because the school was hosting a lecture series with the Mental Health Association. About how I got there and bumped into a friend I hadn't seen since late June/early July. A friend who is now five months pregnant and who was so excited to see me and would I please please just sit with her. And how I did. And didn't cry. And was actually a little bit happy for her because I know she was so afraid she couldn't get pregnant. She had been trying for about 6 months with no success. She knew of my first two miscarriages (last night she found out about the 3rd). She was so afraid. I even managed to be ok when she was dealing with her baby kicking her in the ribs and the pain it caused (which she whispered about to the woman on her other side -- a woman who was also pregnant).
I got home and was so proud of myself for making it through. And then my husband gave me the bad news. The thing that had me praying and saying things to God about how if he could just make *that* ok that I didn't care if He never gave me a baby.
My brother...my ONLY brother...my 31 year old brother went to the doctor yesterday. He said his back hurt, going to the bathroom hurt, he was tired. The doctor did an exam and could feel his pulse very distinctly in his stomach. You really aren't supposed to feel that there. When you do it is a sign (as are all of the complaints he went in for) that you have an aortic aneurysm. If that ruptures, that's it. You die. My grandfather had one almost 4 years ago. His was successfully repaired. It was very scary and he was so weak for so long. In fact, once you have that, if you make it through they guarantee only that you will reach about 90% of where you were before. My brother is married. He has a step-daughter in 4th grade. He has a son who will be 3 in January. This CAN NOT be happening.
As if that isn't bad enough, my brother then asked the doctor to take a look at something else. Said he was sure it was nothing and was much smaller and going away, but could he please look anyway. My brother has a lump inside his mouth. It's sort of under his tongue and beneath the jaw bone (for those of you who do the BBT thing, it's in the location where they reccomend you put your thermometer to temp...that little pocket). His concern with this is that, well, he's been chewing tobacco since his high school baseball team started doing it together in the late 80's. It's definitely in the lymph glands. He is spending today getting a cat scan for the aneurysm, lots of blood work to determine if he has cancer. The doctor said he suspects Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, but that he honestly doesn't think it's cancerous.
So last night, I lay in bed for hours praying. Repeating over and over, "Please, God, just heal my brother. Please."
I spoke to my mom before bed and I told her how people keep saying that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. She said in her experience that's been true, but she is also of the opinion that we really don't have reason to be this much stronger.
Um....this is extremely poorly written today. Sorry. Best I can do. But please, pray for my brother (and for the rest of us as we rapidly reach insanity). Think whatever positive thoughts, whatever it is you do when things are bad. We definitely need it now.
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