Last week some friends of ours delivered their first baby, a girl. Our friend's wife had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy. Things went very smoothly. She had a baby shower that the lowercase and I attended. This morning, our friend sent us the link to the website he has set up for photos of his daughter.
And I realized something disgusting about myself. I resent them. I hate that they had it easy. I'm angry that she is able to breastfeed exclusively. I actually hate that they are happy.
I wished all of that for them, because of course I didn't want them to go through what I went through. So why does their normalcy make me feel diminished? Why do I feel less? Why am I so resentful of what I didn't have? What I do have is pretty damn good -- better than I ever imagined. My son is perfect. He's big, he's healthy, he's strong.
And still I feel less than. I feel not quite good enough.
I guess I really haven't come to grips with the way things were for me. I love my son. I love our life. But I haven't fully mourned my inability to carry to term...my inability to exclusively breastfeed.
And I haven't come to terms with the high likelihood that I will never have another biological child.
Somehow, now, for me, seeing people with their new babies is hard when it shouldn't be. I feel it as keenly as I did during the time when I was constantly becoming pregnant and miscarrying. They have what I can't have. They have potential to have more. And based on logic and sound reasoning...I really don't have that. I'm back in the emotional mindset of my pre-lowercase days...resenting everyone who can have it all so easily regardless of the fact that I have the most perfect little boy imaginable.
I just wish I knew how I could get rid of the resentment that I feel so often.