Wednesday, August 04, 2004
My Personal Hell -- Part I
I've been really depressed lately. Which I suppose is understandable when you consider everything that has gone on in my life over the course of this year. The whole saga began on December 29. I hadn't been feeling quite right, so I took a pregnancy test. The joy I felt when I saw that positive is something that I can't even begin to describe.
I went back to work January 5 and at 9:30, I took my class downstairs to music. When I came back upstairs, I was bleeding. I called my doctor, called in a sub, and rushed to meet my husband at the OB's office for an emergency ultrasound. Terrified as I was, I had to look. And see--NOTHING. The ultrasound didn't show a pregnancy. I had a pelvic exam, and my uterus felt pregnant. The doctor said there were 3 possibilities: in process of an early miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or maybe my cycle was off and I got pregnant later than they had estimated. So, off to the lab for a blood draw to check the HCG. It came back alright, but there was more bleeding. Another emergency ultrasound--and there! A gestational sac! With fetal poles! Measuring 2 weeks small, but there! Confirmation! I ovulated 2 weeks late! But still, the blood.
So...More trips to the lab, HCG kept rising, more emergency ultrasounds. And then the most thrilling thing happened! Eight weeks after my last normal period, I had another ultrasound. And that's when I relaxed. I saw my baby....with a strong beautiful heartbeat. And I was sure that I was out of the woods. The bleeding even stopped! And having had several ultrasounds showing the baby 2 weeks small for my dates, I was certain that my cycle had been off the month I got pregnant. I scheduled my first OB appointment for 10 weeks, based on ultrasound measurements.
My doctor tried to hear my baby's heartbeat with the Doppler, but couldn't find it. He thought perhaps it was just too early. He scheduled an ultrasound for the next day just to ease my mind. And that is the day my world crashed.
My baby's beautiful strong heartbeat was gone. I was devastated. I opted to have a D&C. But because I had eaten, they wouldn't do it that day. It was a Friday, so I'd have to wait until Monday. I got home and my phone was ringing. The OB's office: "Monday is President's Day. The hospital isn't staffing day surgery. We have to wait until Tuesday." So, I spent Valentine's Day weekend taking pre-natal vitamins for the dead baby inside me while crying hysterically about the fact that I never even got a picture of my baby.
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