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   Tuesday, August 10, 2004  

Urban Fertility Legends

Yesterday I had a phone conversation with a receptionist at my OB's office whom I have never spoken to. I will call her "Stupid Receptionist Bitch," or "SRB." Here is a transcript of my call with her (and it's aftermath).
I called her from work. My summer job has me sitting in a large room filled with desks (think cubicles butted up against each other only without those annoying walls that create "privacy"), so it was a call I wanted to stay quiet, for obvious reasons (seriously, does EVERYONE need to know my uterus has thus far functioned as a fetal death chamber?)

Me: Hi. This is Miss W. I'm calling because today I had the blood Dr. P. ordered drawn to determine why I keep miscarrying. The lab says the results will be in by Wednesday. I have an appointment with the geneticist in your office on Thursday and would like to schedule an appointment to sit down with Dr. P, go over the results, and discuss where we go from here.
SRB: Did Dr. P order the tests himself?
Me: Yes.
SRB: One moment please *insert hold music* Ok, I looked and I don't have any lab results here for you, Miss W.
Me: No, you won't, I had the blood drawn THIS MORNING.
SRB: Oh, well Dr. P will call you and tell you the results when they come in. A doctor always calls when test results come in. (Now this, was said in a highly patronizing tone, as though I didn't know they would tell me my results. Apparently, by clearly stating what I wanted from her, I really sounded like a complete moron)
Me: I realize that. However, what I WANT (getting louder now) is to sit down, face to face, so I can look at Dr. P and ask him WHERE I GO FROM HERE TO STOP MISCARRYING EVERY TIME I GET PREGNANT! (realizing I almost screamed that in a room where people really do NOT want to know my reproductive problems, I went back to whispering) My husband works near NYC and because of the commute, it's hard for him to get to appointments. He already has time off Thursday. We want to come in on THURSDAY for an appointment with Dr. P.
SRB: Oh! Are you pregnant?
SRB: How about if I leave a message for Dr. P?
Me: (deflated) Fine.
SRB: So I'll just say you want an appointment to talk about where to go from here. But you should know, he's just going to say wait for the test results.
Me: That's not the message. The test results will be in before Thursday and I want to meet with him Thursday to discuss those results and determine where to go from here.
SRB: Ok, so I'll say 'lab results not in. wants appointment, where to go from here.'
Me: NO. I want an appointment Thursday when the lab results are in.
SRB: Ok, 'not pregnant, lab results in Thursday, wants appointment, where do we go?'
Me: Fine. Sure.
SRB: Ok, thanks for calling, b'bye.

I worked until 5. When I got home, I had several calls listed from Dr. P's office, but only two messages.
Message #1:
SRB: Hi, this is SRB, I called the lab that I think you use, well, it's the one listed on your insurance, but they don't have anything on you. So, if you could call me and let me know what lab you did use, that would be great.
Message #2:
SRB: Hi, SRB again. The lab doesn't know anything about any tests for you. So, if you did get them done, you didn't do them there. Where did you do them? Call me ASAP.

Did I miss something? Hoping to God when I call this morning that someone other than the Stupid Receptionist Bitch answers. Maybe I'll get lucky and get the All-Knowing Receptionist Goddess. I'm really hoping AKRG is not just an urban fertility legend.

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