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Wednesday, September 08, 2004
The Void
I couldn't sleep last night. I felt sick and was generally just...
Well, I don't really know what I was. I don't know what to feel right now. Everything just feels so wrong. I'm not supposed to have a due date without a baby in my arms. That isn't how it's supposed to work out. I'm angry that it didn't work for me. But I don't know where that anger should be directed. So, it's just being internalized right now, and I pity the person today who will bear that anger. I know someone will. Someone who innocently says, "My but it's a lovely day!" (OK, apparently I'm expecting to run into Julie Andrews today) And I will utterly annihilate them. Of course, it's more than just anger that I feel. I wouldn't really classify it as "sadness" though that's the easy adjective to use. It's more of a complete internal void where all of the good things used to live.
But way down in the bottom of that void? Lives a very tiny spirit, who keeps growing, much as I try to shut it down. Hope is coming back, ever so slightly. My queasiness that I spoke of yesterday is still there. Add to that the fact that I'm tired. And my boobs HURT. I keep reminding Hope that it's only cd 24. That I'm on prometrium and that some of its side effects can mimic pregnancy symptoms.
I think that is only making this day worse for me. The certainty that these symptoms are attributable to something else, knowing that with only trying this month it is most likely that they are from something else. And yet being unable to fully eliminate that tiny spirit of Hope, knowing full well that when my period does start, I will be all the more decimated, mourning that negative, mourning my first loss, and wondering when it will all be OK again.
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