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Thursday, October 28, 2004
Expecting
Today is my appointment with Dr. P. I'm a bit nervous about that. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've never really had good luck that lasts.
I also feel really strange. I went to class last night and before it started was talking to the woman next to me. She has been in every class of mine for a year and a half. She's nice. We always end up sitting near each other. Last night she was telling me how sick she was and just tired and didn't want to be there. And I said, "Yeah, same here." She asked about an extra assignment our professor had added to help bring up mid-term grades. I said that I had one of those weeks where I just couldn't do it. So much going on. That I'm back in the middle of well, all the craziness that I was going through last year. And she said are you? ARE YOU? I just nodded. She said "I'm 7 weeks, how far are you????" I told her that I'm roughly 6 (give or take a day or two...knowing when I ovulated, different calculators are saying different things, grrrr!). She said her ultrasound is next week and asked how far I was each time I lost one previously and did I have a normal ultrasound in either. I explained that the first one my ultrasounds were always good, until the final one at 10 weeks. So she asked what her baby would look like so she would know it when she saw it and not have to wait for it to be pointed out. And then I did something bad. I scared her. I told her that I was pretty sure she would have to have a vaginal ultrasound because it was early (my doctor's office did all vaginal ultrasounds until I was 8 weeks, then at 10 weeks, they tried the abdominal). She had never heard of a vaginal ultrasound. So I described the lovely dildocam to her. She said she would have screamed if they sprung that one on her and she wasn't prepared that it could be.
How sad is it though, that instead of thinking "we'll be delivering at roughly the same time, in the same hospital," I thought "Fuck, now I'm going to have to look at her after my baby is gone and she's still got hers." It really drives home what my expectations are. I've got to stop that. I need to stop being pregnant. And start expecting a baby.
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