Saturday, October 30, 2004

Haunted

I need to get a lot of things out tonight. Things that I've been thinking of. Things that really haunt me.

My second miscarriage, in June, was diagnosed via ultrasound at 7 weeks. Blighted ovum. Gestational sac, completely empty. Nothing. The thing is, I didn't request a second ultrasound. I knew what I should see and I didn't see it. But this is why I'm scared. My first pregnancy consistently measured 2 weeks small until I miscarried at 10 weeks. My current pregnancy, I charted and did the OPKs and I know I ovulated late. I think my fear is becoming obvious. What if, instead of 7 weeks, I was really only 5? Did I terminate a possibly viable pregnancy? I was in such a state of shock that I can honestly say I don't remember seeing a yolk sac or a fetal pole. In my head, I know that I did the right thing. It's just that....what if I didn't?

Ok, so that's something that I've been thinking about. I think about that during the few rare minutes when I'm not thinking about my current pregnancy. I'm so scared. I don't know how to, well, be. I want to be happy. I'm trying to be happy. But the fact that I didn't see a heartbeat last week has me worried. I should have been just shy of 6 weeks when I had my ultrasound. I'm really trying hard to get through the next 3 days so that when Wednesday morning comes I'll be calm, and ready. But, I don't know how to do that. I panic each time I go to the bathroom, thinking maybe that time will be when the bleeding really starts. I panic each time I move wondering if the tenderness in my boobs has lessened. And even as I type this, with acid reflux so bad that I had to leave the restaurant we were eating in early tonight, I wonder why I don't just feel like a normal pregnant woman.

I want to be that woman who can say to the world "I'm pregnant!" I want to be able to say it right now. And I want to be the woman who doesn't have to then un-tell those people. I just don't know what to do, how to handle this. Help. Please. What do I do now?

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Comments about my post, "Haunted":

I wish I knew the answer. I can only tell you that I feel exactly the same way you do with regard to the current state of affairs I find myself in. I don't have very many symptoms, unlike last time, so I'm convinced it's going to end. I'm a nervous wreck and that can't possibly be very healthy but I don't know how else to be.

I can only say continue to face each day as it comes (possibly assvice, I know but...). So hard to do, believe me I know. But that's all we can do or we'll work ourselves into a complete frenzy. I'm somewhat detached right now and I think that's the only thing that helps me keep going--though I won't lie and say that it isn't on my mind constantly. But it's almost as though I'm viewing it through the eyes of someone else, not me. But I'm starting to get hopeful...and that scares me more. I too want to shout to the world, I'm pregnant but I don't--for the exact same reason as you.

It just sucks, really--and I'm so sorry that the 'bloom of the rose' effect has worn off the experience of early pregnancy, off what should be a joyous time. Miscarriages robbed us of that. While there is joy, there is an overwhelming fear and I think that's completely normal.

Know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for nothing but the best of news on Wednesday. And if you need to talk, or anything else, I'm here for you.

[ Permalink ] posted by Dee : 8:38 AM

I have no words of advice. I just wanted you to know I feel for you. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for three and a half years. On November 28th, I finally had a positive pregnancy test after we had two donated frozen embryos transferred on November 15. I think at that time I really never believed I would have a child. We spent two blissfully happy weeks pinching ourselves and becoming crazily happy with the thought of being parents. On Tuesday we went for our ultrasound at 6 and a half weeks. There was nothing-just an empty sac. Now I have spent two days wandering how and why. I was sure these were the babies we were meant to have. My RE and OB are making me do another ultrasound tomorrow just "to be sure". I'm on so much progesterone and estrogen and have been for months that I have felt pregnant for a long time. I'm miserably sad. Hang in there. What else can we do? I keep telling myself to just get through one hour at a time.

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 2:05 PM