Saturday, October 30, 2004
I need to get a lot of things out tonight. Things that I've been thinking of. Things that really haunt me.
My second miscarriage, in June, was diagnosed via ultrasound at 7 weeks. Blighted ovum. Gestational sac, completely empty. Nothing. The thing is, I didn't request a second ultrasound. I knew what I should see and I didn't see it. But this is why I'm scared. My first pregnancy consistently measured 2 weeks small until I miscarried at 10 weeks. My current pregnancy, I charted and did the OPKs and I know I ovulated late. I think my fear is becoming obvious. What if, instead of 7 weeks, I was really only 5? Did I terminate a possibly viable pregnancy? I was in such a state of shock that I can honestly say I don't remember seeing a yolk sac or a fetal pole. In my head, I know that I did the right thing. It's just that....what if I didn't?
Ok, so that's something that I've been thinking about. I think about that during the few rare minutes when I'm not thinking about my current pregnancy. I'm so scared. I don't know how to, well, be. I want to be happy. I'm trying to be happy. But the fact that I didn't see a heartbeat last week has me worried. I should have been just shy of 6 weeks when I had my ultrasound. I'm really trying hard to get through the next 3 days so that when Wednesday morning comes I'll be calm, and ready. But, I don't know how to do that. I panic each time I go to the bathroom, thinking maybe that time will be when the bleeding really starts. I panic each time I move wondering if the tenderness in my boobs has lessened. And even as I type this, with acid reflux so bad that I had to leave the restaurant we were eating in early tonight, I wonder why I don't just feel like a normal pregnant woman.
I want to be that woman who can say to the world "I'm pregnant!" I want to be able to say it right now. And I want to be the woman who doesn't have to then un-tell those people. I just don't know what to do, how to handle this. Help. Please. What do I do now?
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