Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The Power of We
Why do we do this to ourselves? And by we, I mean me, but lets pretend I'm talking about all of us so that I don't feel like a great big freak.
Each month, we convince ourselves that we are, in fact, pregnant. We poke and we prod our breasts. When we think they are "tender to the touch" we start asking our spouses to poke and prod them. We have indigestion in the luteal phase? We're pregnant. We're tired? We're pregnant. Never mind that we're now taking a progesterone supplement that gives us those feelings. Even when we weren't, we invented those symptoms.
And then, one day, like today, we wake up. And we realize that we have NO symptoms. We realize that this could be because it's time for our morning progesterone pill and know that within a short window after taking that pill, all of our symptoms will be back and we can go on in our disillusioned belief that we are, in fact, pregnant again.
And now, we're looking at our pattern. (Ok, this we stuff is getting ridiculous unless for this paragraph I suddenly have MPD, and have about 5 women living in my body, this part probably DOESN"T apply to you) So I'm looking at MY pattern. When my husband and I started trying last fall, I got pregnant in the second month of trying, though I didn't know it due to actually HAVING my period in the 3rd month (though it was abnormal, it wasn't markedly so until I had a positive test a few weeks later, and I measured 2 weeks larger than that period would indicate, but 2 weeks smaller than the one the month before). I miscarried in February. I didn't start trying again until April. My positive came in May. My miscarriage came in June. I didn't try in July due to the testing. We tried again in August. Then my September cycle...which is still going. Cycle day 33, 13 DPO. If I were to hold true to pattern, I would get a positive this month. And I thought I had with that blasted ClearBlue Easy. But two First Response Earlys later, I'm still negative. I've decided that I'm not testing again until tomorrow or Thursday.
I'm afraid that I'm going to add something new to my pattern now. That it could become difficult for me to get pregnant, or at least take longer. I'm terrified of it, actually. So far I've been a "fertile infertile," but what happens if I'm not now? I know its ridiculous (and maybe offensive to those who have this problem) for me to think along these lines. I have no reason to think it might be the case. It's just that in terms of having a child, getting pregnant has been the one thing I can do. Taking progesterone has been something I can do to feel that I'm helping make it through any future pregnancies. But what if it's harder now?
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