Saturday, October 16, 2004
I can't relax. I don't know how. It's impossible. I'm trying, but I can't.
There's a slight bit of brown cervical mucus. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that it's likely from the implantation bleeding Tuesday night/Wednesday. Except that everytime I tell myself that, my next thought is, "Then why wasn't it there Thursday or Friday?"
I'm calling Monday to start scheduling appointments and all. I know that I'll be due around June 20th (some calculators say as early as June 17, some as late as June 23). I know that if we wait to 7 weeks like the last time, I'll be having an ultrasound in the first week of November. In my head, I know that is only two weeks from now. I just don't know if my sanity will last that long.
(You will always know when my sanity is near breaking (like today): That's when I ramble incessantly!)
In other news, in an hour we're going to go out with my in-laws. I don't think we're telling them that I'm pregnant. I told my husband today that this doesn't make any sense to me. He says that he doesn't want to go through the untelling people again. Except that if I miscarry, his parents are going to know that I was pregnat. He said we wouldn't wait that long to tell him. I reminded him that last time I miscarried at 7 weeks and the time before that at 10 weeks, so technically by his logic we are going to tell them within the next 2-5 weeks. And seriously? What's the point in that when we're seeing them today? Chances are, they'll find out today when I either continuously fall asleep in the car, fail to prevent myself from looking at baby clothes (or refuse to look at regular clothes for me because why buy any now?), or throw up (yes, I have a symptom. It hasn't happened yet, but I feel like it could at any second).
WHY does pregnancy have to suck so much for people like us? Seriously, we should be the ones who get to fully enjoy it and be happy and excited. Instead, we're the nervous wrecks who take everything to mean that we've lost our children again. It's just not fair.
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