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   Thursday, December 09, 2004  

It wasn't "Nature's Way"

My most recent miscarriage left me feeling a lot of things. Primary among them was the feeling of complete and utter brokenness. I had tried three times. Three times I had had good hcg levels, good progesterone levels, and yet...it never worked for me. I heard a lot of people saying a lot of things. About how it's nature's way; how sometimes God in His infinite wisdom; how the body does this to prevent an abnormal or non-viable child from entering into a world of pain. I heard that it wasn't my fault. I heard that nothing could be done to prevent it.

And then today I heard something different. Dr. P called me and said three words. The chromosome analysis of baby #3 came back. "Everything was normal."


If everything was normal...if this baby was normal...then, theoretically, my baby did not die of natural causes. This was not nature's way. There was no infinite wisdom in this that I can see. No. I did this. Somehow, I did this. My body, which is me, maybe not the thinking or feeling part of me, but me all the same, did this (evidence: If my colon discharges gas--I DID THAT! People will blame me for the foul stench because I DID THAT! If I try to say "but my colon..." well, nobody on Earth is going to buy that shit).

I find myself wondering if somehow someone else were carrying my baby, would he/she have died?

No. This was not "nature's way."

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  Comments about my post, "It wasn't "Nature's Way"":
I don't want to dole out a bunch of useless platitudes. I don't want to make suggestions - I won't be able to find the right words to make you feel better. But what I can do is let you know that I care and that I am sorry. Truly.

All of us in IF land have been betrayed by our bodies in one way or another, and it's really beyond awful. There's nothing I can say tht will help, I know, but I am thinking of you.

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