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   Sunday, January 02, 2005  

In which I discuss the new year and thoughts on adoption

I'm not going to write a typical year end/new year post. I don't have any resolutions this year. I don't have any tangible hopes for things that could successfully be accomplished in 2005.

My fertility is completely up in the air. We don't know if things in my ute can be corrected--and if they can, we aren't sure we're willing. Julia gave me some hope in this area...but still the risks are great. And I'm afraid. Very afraid.

I don't know if my sanity is firmly established enough for me to try to return to teaching. But I'll need to decide soon as the spring is when most districts begin looking to the fall.

My husband has applied for a promotion within his corporation. Should he be hired to the new position, we would be moving to Ohio. Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm an Indiana girl, so the prospect overall is FABULOUS (seriously, a 3 hour drive to see my family vs. a 12 hour drive?). Except... I have doctors here who are great. They're testing everything, getting me some sort of answers. Will likely be sending me to Cornell to see an RE. And if I live in Ohio? This won't be possible. If only this position had opened up last year. Before I knew I needed those doctors so that I would be happy seeing the doctors in Ohio.

I have decided that I would like to adopt. I'd always intended to adopt my children. Then I met my husband and thought it would be incredible to have a child with him. To give birth. Just once. It was always a deal of just once. Any siblings for that child would come via adoption. My husband fully agreed. Knowing what I know now and the potential risks should I be able to carry a child, I'm ready to file the paperwork right now. Start on the homestudy. Get ready. But that's where the problems hit. Because of high rent, car payments (x2), paying for grad school out of pocket, paying my student loans from my undergrad (my husband has none), and then just the general high cost of living...we don't have the money on hand that we would need for that. We could take out a loan. But it would be tough to get as we have no home to borrow against. And it would jack our debt:income ratio to the point that it could be some time before we could buy a house.

My husband looks at this logically and says we'll just wait a few years, buy a house somewhere in 2005 (or 6), earn some equity in it over the next 2-3 years, and then adopt. Which means I wouldn't hold a child in my arms until I'm nearly 35. And that isn't ok with me. But he just keeps saying that I'm too emotional with all of this and that one of us has to be logical. Thing is, it isn't that I'm illogical. It's that I can't imagine going through all of those years without being somebody's mother. After 3 pregnancies, I've felt that deep over-powering love (and with that feeling in just the first trimester, I can only dream of what it's really like when you actually see and hold your child!). I can't live without feeling that again over the next several years.

I'll end with a word of advice to the year 2005: Play nice with us. We're fragile. And if you are half the bastard that your brother 2004 was, somebody's going to die.

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