Saturday, January 15, 2005
I finally called the RE on Monday. My appointment is scheduled for Feb. 15. By Tuesday, I had already received the information packet and a stack of forms to fill out and return.
I'm going into all of this knowing that he's really not going to tell me anything different than what I already know. That statistically it's possible for me to have a child, though miscarriage of each new pregnancy is a very high probability.
I suppose the only real reason that I'm even doing this is because I have to know how likely I would be to have success with a gestational surrogate.
Not that I'm planning to go that route. I've just decided to be open to it. I don't like to discuss it a lot here, but my personal faith plays a large part in my decisions. I am a Christian; a fairly conservative Christian. While I am not opposed to birth control, once a pregnancy is achieved, I'm firmly against any measure to prevent a birth of that child. (Please note, this is how I feel and not what is "right." In cases where the life of the mother is at risk, I wholly agree that she should have options. This is where I personally stand on the issue. Many of you disagree and that is fine with me. I can't change your mind; you can't change mine. And I would never dream of trying). Now, I've said all of this to help you understand a bit where I'm coming from.
I've decided that I personally can not allow myself to become pregnant again. Unless of course I'm given some miraculous "if we just do this..." In that case, I'd reconsider. But you and I know that isn't likely to happen.
I can't handle another miscarriage. I am at my psychological breaking point on that one. But beyond that, I've begun to feel that by getting pregnant I would be doing something wrong. I now know that my actions will cause the death of another. That knowledge is not a 100% certainty, but neither is getting behind the wheel while intoxicated. It's just a very high probability. I'm not willing to do that. I know that I personally could not abort a child (again, this is not a definite as there are many situations where I might change my mind; I am speaking here in the more generalized "I don't want this baby so..." terms), yet I feel that the mere act of my becoming pregnant is, in effect, the same thing.
It's hard for me to admit it, but I honestly believe that for me to become pregnant is morally wrong. If I know the consequences of my actions yet do it anyway since I don't want that to happen, I don't know that I can remain guilt free in the aftermath. I feel some amount of guilt over my first three pregnancies, but I didn't know that I was imposing a death sentence on my children when I conceived them. Now, I know. And I can't do it.
So, we're saving money, we're rearranging our plans for the future. We're figuring out how it is that we are going to grow our family. We've begun researching adoption (international and domestic). We've sent away for information from several agencies. We've picked an agency and a program we'd like to work with. We've also begun researching gestational surrogacy since we do produce genetically normal embryos.
We've also decided that right now we aren't going to choose one over the other. We're preparing for both financially. Once we have enough money in hand (within the next year), we will begin one process or the other. We want to trust in God that we will be led to the right decision for us...that we will be doing the right thing. In order to do that, we've decided that we are going to let our friends and family know what we are going through. We are explaining both processes. And, since I have a hard time imagining myself trusting a complete stranger to carry my child, we are waiting. Right now I feel as though a surrogate will find us if we are intended to go that route. I just strongly believe that if that is what is right, one of our friends, or even one of theirs, will volunteer. And if they don't, we're adopting. We are equally fine with either option. If surrogacy doesn't work for our first child, maybe it will for our second. We'll just wait and see where things lead us.
I'm rambling, and I'm sure that most of you now know that I am insane instead of just thinking it. Regardless, this is where I'm at.
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