Monday, January 24, 2005

Reader participation time!

So, I'm thinking about a lot of things here. We're contemplating using a gestational surrogate to carry our child. I've got plenty of time to make an actual decision as my appointment with the RE isn't until February 15.

In the meantime, here are my questions. Please answer as many as you can.

1. Since we do not feel comfortable with the idea of using a surrogate we do not know, my husband and I would like to use either a friend or family member. Most likely one of our friends as few/none of our family members are a good choice (due to age, lack of uterus, other health issues, etc.). Is it acceptable to ask someone to carry for you? Or do you have to wait and hope they volunteer?

2. If you were to ask someone, how would you go about asking a question of that nature? I'm assuming e-mail and paper mail are out; is a phone call sufficient? Does it require an in-person visit even if the person lives several states away?

3. What types of things should factor into a decision on whether or not to ask/accept an offer from a person?

Keep in mind, I'm asking only for your opinions, what you yourself would be comfortable with. I'm hoping that by gaining the perspective of many different people, I will be able to more objectively evaluate my own stand on these issues.

So, please, even if you aren't in this situation, what do you think you would do if you were? Any lurkers out there? Now is the time to de-lurk.

[ posted @ 5:42 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (3) ]
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Comments about my post, "Reader participation time!":

I was surprised at how many people offered to be gestational surrogates for my husband and me. It actually happened naturally - I never had to ask anyone. During normal conversation, when our family and friends would ask us how things were going, we'd talk to them about the possibility of needing a surrogate and all of a sudden they started coming forward. It was absolutely amazing! Though it turns out that a GS wasn't the answer for us, I'm forever grateful to those women just for having been so selfless and having offered such a great gift to us.

Good luck!
Danae/Hardscrabble

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 7:49 PM

Very tough questions. For me, the question of whether and how I could ask would depend on how close I was to the potential GS. For my dearest friends, I would think it would be okay to ask.

My biggest concern would be making sure my friend knew that I would not be offended if she said no. Because of that, the phone might even be better than a trip to ask face-to-face -- she might feel more guilty if I travelled all that way for nothing. I don't even know that email/paper mail would be out -- the advantage to both of those is that it would give the friend a chance to absorb and consider.

Factors I would consider: reliability would be first. I probably wouldn't ask/choose a friend who was weight-obsessed -- the pregnancy might be too hard on her. It would have to be someone whose husband was completely willing, as well (I don't know if single girls would be into it).

I look forward to reading about your own thought processes and experiences with this difficult issue. Wishing you so much good luck.

[ Permalink ] posted by E. : 2:32 PM

I think the most important thing for me would be...have they (surrogate) finished having a family. Giving up a baby would be awful regardless of who it is supposed to belong to. The person needs to know the emotional journey ahead and prepare for "detachment" at handover time.

As for a friend or family member, its a big ask. I couldnt ask my sister as I know she would hold if over me for the rest of my life. I couldnt ask my friends either - how would I ever repay that debt? I couldn't disagree or be seen as not giving as I would be faced with "If it wasnt for her you wouldnt have your baby". That is too much for me.

I hope others give you some good feedback.

[ Permalink ] posted by Kath : 10:26 PM