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   Tuesday, February 08, 2005  

I am so unprepared for this!

I spent the day my baby could have been born with sore boobs and a period that was expected any minute. But it didn't come Sunday. And it didn't come Monday. And my boobs hurt more and more and I was ready to cry. Because I felt certain I had gotten pregnant again (through a condom no less) and I just knew that meant another miscarriage. I can honestly say that when I awoke to the start of a fresh new cycle today? I have never been more happy to have my period!

But that's not the point of today's post.

No. Today I realized that I will see the RE for the first time next Tuesday. NEXT. TUESDAY. I am panicking because I feel like I should have a million questions for him. But I don't. I don't know what to ask. I suppose I should ask him if he thinks that I can successfully carry a pregnancy to viability, but um...I don't want to. I don't want to risk that. Last night I had a nightmare in which I was pregnant. Twenty-four weeks pregnant, to be precise. And I was having an ultrasound in the middle of someone's living room to determine the sex of the baby. And I was told that it was twins. TWINS! In my dream, I cried and panicked and begged and pleaded because, well, twins generally come early. And the furthest I can be expected to go is around 34 weeks if I'm really lucky...and OH MY GOD I AM MISCARRYING TWINS RIGHT NOW! Yeah...those are the fucked up dreams I have now. Dreams where I'm in a constant state of panic wondering when exactly the miscarriage will happen. Because that is all that I know of pregnancy. But it is because of that that I simply do not want to do it again. Not in my body.

My questions for the RE are going to be relatively few: since I can't handle my own pregnancy emotionally and it's unlikely that I could handle it physically, then what are my chances of success using a gestational surrogate? And then I'll ask him a million and twelve questions about how to select a carrier, what tests will need to be performed on that carrier. And the million dollar question: How soon can we start?

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  Comments about my post, "I am so unprepared for this!":
Oh God, good luck, good luck, my heart is in my throat. Please keep us updated.

- getupgrrl

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