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   Friday, April 22, 2005  

The one where I admit I'm terrible at this whole blogging thing (and also freak out)

The more blogs I read, the more I realize that I'm just not good at it. I don't like that. I'm used to being relatively good at things and the fact that I can never put my personal neuroses aside and write something worth reading bothers me. But it's a fact that I have to deal with, and any of you who are still reading have to deal with it to I suppose; or, you know, not deal with it by reading someone else instead. Which I fully expect.

Today has been a truly hellish day for me. I've spent the entire day in such a ball of anxiety that I am literally nauseated. And I've further sickened myself by letting this thought cross my mind on more than one occasion: Nausea -- early pregnancy symptom? Logically that isn't even possible. It's only cd 17. Assuming that I ovulated on cd 14, a fertilized egg would not have had time to make it into my uterus let alone implant and start the hormonal roller coaster. But, whatever, I told you, I've lost it. (As a total side note, my junior year of college I wore clogs almost every day from the minute sandal weather ended until it began again in the spring. I had a tendency to slip off of the sole of my clog when transitioning from pavement to grass and was frequently heard to say "I'm off my clog!" Initially it referred to my footwear; I now use this phrase for days like today when logic defies me and I simply can't keep it together. I am off my clog.)

Aside of the nausea issue, there are other things running rampant in my head. There's the fear that we didn't time things right and I won't be pregnant this month. This is not a completely unfounded fear as I never did get a positive OPK. Those fuckers just kept right on being negative even when I began to panic and pee on one first thing in the morning and again in the evening. Now I did notice that one day it was darker than the next, but of course that means nothing as both were still negative. My hope is that it was positive in the evening between. Of course, I have no idea how possible that even is. I mean, how long does an LH surge last? Is it a few minutes? Hours? An entire day? If I tested at 7 am, is it possible that I surged before 7 am the next morning and by then it had gone away? If the test was negative at 7 am, could it have been positive at noon but not at 7 pm? Why do they not tell you these things in the directions? Clearly, Clearblue does not love me!

That fear will last for several minutes only to be replaced rather quickly with, "You totally nailed it this time, Miss W, you're pregnant!" Which isn't the happy joyful thought it sounds like. Because my the niggling voice of my inner pessimist quickly throws in "With TRIPLETS you stupid girl--you'll still have no baby since you have a unicornuate uterus and wouldn't be likely to get full term with just one...now what are you going to do bitch?" (Have I mentioned my inner pessimist is extremely spiteful and pissy? And apparently dislikes me immensely)

But then my inner optimist jumps to my rescue, "No, sweetie, it's so unlikely that you would have twins even that there is no way it could be more than that. It will only be one baby." Now, my inner pessimist can't resist a challenge and simply has to jump back in: "Fine, it may be only one baby, but you'll miscarry anyway. You always do."

And that has been all that my brain has had room for today. The constant battle, am I? or am I not? And if I am, will I make it through the first trimester? If I do, will I be able to carry long enough to give my baby a chance of survival?

I think I'm going to take some time this weekend to try to focus on something else. I may not post again for another week (but what's so unusual about that?) so that I can try to formulate some coherent thoughts. I really do have those (occasionally). That being said, if you want to help focus me, give me a topic to think about. If we're lucky, your ideas could lead to my first ever worthwhile post. Or not.

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  Comments about my post, "The one where I admit I'm terrible at this whole blogging thing (and also freak out)":
Writing is hard. It just is, but it's also amazing rewarding.

When I first started blogging, I thought that I needed to be the best and then realized (quickly) that I wasn't ever going to be close but that I was going to do it anyway. Because, when push comes to shove, blogging helps keep me sane sometimes.

I enjoy your blog.

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