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   Wednesday, April 06, 2005  

The one where I feel like a jackass

I feel I've been remiss as a member of the infertile blogosphere. I haven't been posting much here. Yet I quietly swear under my breath when I click on one of your blogs and see that you haven't updated in 3 days. It's a bit hypocritical of me, when it may have been 4 or 5 or even more days since my last post.

But it's not just in posting that I've been remiss. No, I quit commenting on all of your blogs. I just didn't feel I had much to offer, when often I'm sure you want only what I want: the knowledge that someone else is there, feeling these emotions, going through these tests and waiting periods and treatments. Of course, when my husband moved for his new job two weeks ago, I stopped taking the time to read anyone. While I'm not making excuses for it, I've had tests and papers in my grad classes.

My friend had a baby just after 12 am Monday...her first. Her son weighed in at 5 lb 12 oz at birth and has since dropped 6 oz. I'm pretty proud of myself...went to Babies'R'Us Monday evening; went by myself to the maternity floor, walked past all those happy families and spent a little time with my friend. I even held her son and managed to do it all with a smile on my face. I cried only after I was home alone.

Tonight in my class, I spoke to a woman whom I had secretly hated based on the simple fact that she is pregnant. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. It killed me. And then tonight she said that she, too, had dealt with issues getting to the point of pregnancy. She said she's having twins, a boy and a girl. I told her she didn't look far enough along for "the big ultrasound." And she said she's 4 1/2 months (but very tiny for twins!) and that she knows because she did IVF. She's having a hard time in the class we're taking because she missed the first class--the day she got her positive beta--to celebrate with her husband. Our professor hasn't forgiven her for missing that one class and told her that if she didn't take her classes more seriously, she might as well drop out.

It was those two experiences that made me realize that I simply have to take more time to come here, to be with all of you who mean so much to me. And I'm going to make greater efforts to read and comment on your blogs. While going through this, it's important to remember just how much we all need each other.

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