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   Wednesday, June 22, 2005  

Live. From my bed. Where I am stuck.

It's Wednesday. I had no bleeding until after noon on Tuesday; that means nothing since 3 am when I was cleaning up in the ER to come home. Around 2:00, there was some red on the tp, but nothing more. And nothing since but old brown blood working it's way out (and again, only showing up on the toilet paper and nowhere else).

This afternoon, at 2:00 p.m. Eastern time, I'll be at the doctor's office. I'm asssuming I'll have an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. And I'm terrified. Completely paralyzed with fear. I've done exactly as instructed: I've continued with my prometrium, my baby aspirin, my prenatal vitamins; I've stayed lying in my bed; I've gotten up only to go to the bathroom; Mr. W has been bringing my meals (and anything else that I want) to me in bed. The hardest part is realizing that even with all of that, it may not make a difference. I could still wind up having a D&C. I may never have* a baby. Or I could be fine. I don't know. I just can't conceptualize what is going on. And of course, this all happens the night that I had finally started to realize that I was in fact having a baby. I was excited. To be honest, immediately before I went to the bathroom and discovered the bleed, I had been watching the videotape of Monday morning's ultrasound. I had transferred it to my computer (OK--Mr. W did that part!) and e-mailed it to my parents and grandparents.

I guess the worst part of all of this is just the fear; the not knowing. I am so very, very afraid. And so confused. I can be ready for things to happen badly; experience tells me that they will. I just don't know how to handle things right now. If they turn out to still be alright, I'm going to be waiting for it to end in disaster regardless. I don't know how I'm going to be able to relax ever again.

* By have, I mean actually give birth; I don't think I'll be "childless" I just don't know how things are going to happen and that is what scares me.

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  Comments about my post, "Live. From my bed. Where I am stuck.":
I'm crossing my fingers and toes for you, sweetie, and praying my heart out. I hope all goes well at your appointment. *HUG*

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