The news it is scary
Today's ultrasound went well. Still no clue as to the baby's sex; my child has a stubborn streak. But we found the second kidney today! It was just...there! The baby's heartbeat has remained steady and strong, the baby wiggled non-stop throughout the ultrasound (but chose to roll over so that when it was videotaped, all we got were shots from the back).
Now for the scary part. Since we started the weekly ultrasounds, my cervix has measured anywhere between 3.5 and 3.9 cm. The changes in measurements are based on the angle from which the measurement was taken. There was absolutely no change from the first measurement on July 22 to the next one on July 29. (As an aside, I had a measurement done at my doctor's office downstate before moving here at 9.5 weeks that was 3.95 cm)
Today, there was a change. My cervix now measures 2.6 cm. The perinatologist on duty at the office today (head of maternal-fetal medicine at the local hospital and director of the practice I go to) said that she feels things are still OK. She said that measurements from 2.0 to 2.5 cm she puts patients on strict bed rest. She also said that at 2.1 cm, she would very definitely reccomend cerclage. Yet she doesn't think that I need that yet. She wants to wait to see next week's measurement. She was encouraged because I have felt no pain, had no bleeding and no cramping.
I did a quick refresher in Google-ology as I searched for information about cerclage. Of course, what I found is that cerclage is not a guarantor that things will be alright. There is no hard evidence that it prevents pre-term labor. None at all. There is also no evidence to suggest that it doesn't do just that. In short? Nobody knows. And it's scary as all hell.
I broke down and cried for about 15 minutes when I got home before I could pull myself together. I am now determined to stay in bed for at least the next week (or, you know, the rest of this pregnancy) and stay as hydrated as is possible.
I placed a call to my downstate doctor's office to find out what their policy on cerclage is and if they think that my current doctor should be more aggressive right now. I only know that at 17 weeks, I have to stay pregnant a minimum of another 9 weeks, having looked up survival rates at 26 weeks. Not ideal, but that's my first mini-goal...make it another 9 weeks (Oct. 6). After that, my goal will be to go another 2 weeks to hit 28 weeks (Oct. 20). The final goal that I have is anther two weeks after that (Nov. 3). I just don't know if I can do it. I'm so, so terrified.
As much as I wanted to not bond yet, to not be attached so that I wouldn't feel the pain and devastation...I bonded. I love this child whole-heartedly. I do not think that I can manage through another very bad thing. I just can't. I'm too broken for that. (And yet, even as I type, this little one is wiggling within me, reminding me once again of his/her presence and I can't help but fall deeper in love...while I try my hardest not to...just in case).
Because I am going to be in bed for the foreseeable future, please, don't expect much in the way of posting right now. I promise to post if there is a change of any kind. And I will post after each doctor's visit. But in the meantime, I don't have a lot to say. I'm scared. I'm becoming somewhat numb. I only hope that my doctors are being aggressive enough and not waiting too long to do something that could save my baby's life. As it stands, I just don't know.