Miss W -->

   Wednesday, August 03, 2005  

Odd thoughts...

In another hour and a half, I will hit 17 weeks. I can honestly say that I had never expected to reach this point. Of course, having made it this far...I still cannot find peace.

I spent the day yesterday in a state of extreme anxiety. I cried almost every time I had to go to the bathroom, fearing that I would find it all over. Even pulling out the doppler and hearing a steady heartbeat...feeling the baby move within me...feeling exactly as I have for so long... None of that mattered. I could not rest easy.

On July 21, the hospital mailed me all of my pre-registration forms and the birth certificate worksheets to fill out. I thought it was way too early when they sent them and I couldn't bring myself to do anything with them. In an attempt to feel better yesterday, I tried to fill them out. I managed to make it through 1.5 pages before I just couldn't.

I suppose in some way, I feel that by admitting and accepting that things are going according to plan that I am tempting fate. I've always believed in a kind and loving God. Yet for some reason, I can't stop myself from feeling that He is only going to take this child from me, too. I've attempted not to fall in love with this baby. I decided that at birth, I would instantly love the child, so I don't need to bond so deeply now only to have it ripped from me. Except that isn't possible. I've had so many ultrasounds. I see this child every Friday at 8:30 a.m. I listen to this baby at least once each day.

It's all just too much. I want to be happy. I really do. I just don't know how. And I'm terrified that if I allow myself to feel something other than fear and terror that...well...it will all just leave me devastated. And if that happens, I just don't think I can rebuild again.

   [ posted  @ 10:37 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "Odd thoughts...":
I know EXACTLY how you feel!

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
February 2010
May 2010
June 2010
March 2011
April 2011
August 2011

A Little Pregnant
Barren Mare
Broken or Not
Chez Miscarriage
Fractured Fairytale
Here Be Hippogriffs
Horkin Ramblings
Never Ever Late
One Pink Line
The RE's Muse
Scrambled Eggs
So Close
Uncommon Misconception
The Unproductive Reproductive
Wasted Birth Control

[=Powered By=]

[=Designed By=]

Customized by Miss W
Scripts / Code by "Mr. W"

Send Miss W. E-Mail!