Wednesday, August 03, 2005
In another hour and a half, I will hit 17 weeks. I can honestly say that I had never expected to reach this point. Of course, having made it this far...I still cannot find peace.
I spent the day yesterday in a state of extreme anxiety. I cried almost every time I had to go to the bathroom, fearing that I would find it all over. Even pulling out the doppler and hearing a steady heartbeat...feeling the baby move within me...feeling exactly as I have for so long... None of that mattered. I could not rest easy.
On July 21, the hospital mailed me all of my pre-registration forms and the birth certificate worksheets to fill out. I thought it was way too early when they sent them and I couldn't bring myself to do anything with them. In an attempt to feel better yesterday, I tried to fill them out. I managed to make it through 1.5 pages before I just couldn't.
I suppose in some way, I feel that by admitting and accepting that things are going according to plan that I am tempting fate. I've always believed in a kind and loving God. Yet for some reason, I can't stop myself from feeling that He is only going to take this child from me, too. I've attempted not to fall in love with this baby. I decided that at birth, I would instantly love the child, so I don't need to bond so deeply now only to have it ripped from me. Except that isn't possible. I've had so many ultrasounds. I see this child every Friday at 8:30 a.m. I listen to this baby at least once each day.
It's all just too much. I want to be happy. I really do. I just don't know how. And I'm terrified that if I allow myself to feel something other than fear and terror that...well...it will all just leave me devastated. And if that happens, I just don't think I can rebuild again.
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