Sunday, August 07, 2005

A quick message of insanity

Things are no different today than they have been. However, I am rapidly losing my mind. I have done nothing all weekend long. I have been lying in my bed, on the couch, or on the spare bed in the office to be nearer Mr. W.

I'm crying and praying fervently with each trip to the bathroom. I'm panicking over the normal pulls and pangs that I have felt along the way as my baby and my uterus grow. I don't think I can wait until Friday to know something more. Unless I have a miraculous surge of calmness wash over me between now and tomorrow morning, it is highly likely that I will be placing a rather irrational call the the peri's office.

I can't stop with the google. I've looked at premature infant survival rates...and it just seems so far away before our chances stop being 0%...even further until they hit that 50/50 chance...and an eternity until they are anywhere close to "good." I am so afraid that I won't get there.

The doubt and fear have taken over my every waking moment...and most of my sleeping ones as well. I'm incapable of coherent thoughts not related to my baby, my uterus and my cervix. I am seriously falling apart here. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to work me in sooner than Friday for both an ultrasound and an appointment with the peri. I need more information. I need to know what my chances of making it through this are. I'm going to have to push away the fear and actually deal with cold, hard numbers.

Of course...the stupid mullerian anomalies group on Yahoo has me scared as well. I love that group...the information, it is so thrilling! Yet there are too many women saying, "My peri is going to do a cerclage for me at 12 weeks as a preventative measure regardless of cervical length," and, "My doctor says that anything below 3 cm and a cerclage is an immediate necessity along with strict bed rest for the duration." I don't want to second guess my doctors as they are the only real hope that I have...but I'm having such a hard time imagining this going well now. And I so desperately need it to go well.

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Comments about my post, "A quick message of insanity":

I hope the doctors see you much sooner and am sending you good wishes that you get answers that will help ease the fear.

[ Permalink ] posted by cat : 5:04 PM

For your sanity (and ours) I would insist on a cerclage NOW! Sorry if this is assvice as I am not being familiar with the technique or the risks, but you don't wish you did something sooner.

So sorry this is happening to you.

[ Permalink ] posted by Kath : 8:11 AM

Step...away...from..the Google

[ Permalink ] posted by Lala : 8:36 AM

Big hugs to you. And good wishes. And a prayer or two.

[ Permalink ] posted by Liz Miller : 11:07 AM