Wednesday, August 02, 2006
The lowercase and I are currently enjoying a much-needed visit with his grandparents. I am enjoying the time spent with my family (who are by far more sane than Mr. W's family) and am jumping up and down at the realization that we are being spared another visit with the Mr.'s family. He designed and maintains the computer network of his family's accounting firm as well as a couple of other businesses in that area so we generally spend one weekend a month there. The month of July and August got compacted into one trip -- this weekend -- while my little man and I are far, far away!
I expected the baby to miss his daddy. I expected the daddy to miss his baby. I never really contemplated that I would miss my husband. Our lives are so focused on our son that it just didn't occur to me how much he and I depend on each other. He gives me balance and focus. He makes me feel sane when clearly I am not.
Over the last several years I have come to depend on my husband far more than I ever expected. Through miscarriage after miscarriage he picked up the shattered bits of my soul and helped put me back together. He helped formulate plans. He took time off for EVERY SINGLE DOCTORS VISIT (even ones for which he was clearly not needed -- HSG? There. Blood draws? There. Endometrial biopsy? There.). And then came the pregnancy that worked and the bed rest. And he was there for EVERYTHING. He took care of me better than any nurse could have.
And now, for the first time in what seems like forever, we are apart. And I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. Sure, I have the baby to care for and my parents and grandparents and brother to visit. But I feel as though a part of me just isn't here. A part I desperately need.
And I'm grateful that that part exists, but I'm starting to wonder if I know how to be myself BY MYSELF anymore.
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