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   Wednesday, January 31, 2007  

I've never claimed that my thinking is in any way logical. But where I'm at today is throwing even me for a loop.

About a week ago, my "period" ended. It was strange...about 4 days that was so light that it never required so much as a panty liner. Followed by nothing for a day or so. And then about a day and a half that was more normal but still very light. And then it was over.

I started noticing an odd feeling in my hip joints when I went to bed. My boobs felt...somehow different. Not painful to the touch per se, but a definite ache.

Still, the Mr. and I knew it couldn't be possible. I'm not taking any type of birth control but we have used condoms, so really, not possible.

And yet somehow my body was feeling as it commonly does in early pregnancy -- and the period was remarkably similar to the one I had the first time I got a positive test.

Last night on the way home from dinner with friends, we bought a pack of cheap tests. Of course the first one had not so much a control line in the alotted time and 3 hours later when I went to bed it finally showed as negative. Obviously, the test was defective and couldn't be trusted -- 3 hours to do 3 minutes of work!

So I tested again this morning and within the time limit got a clear negative.

And here's where I make less sense than usual:


I didn't want to be pregnant. I don't want to be. At least, I thought that I didn't. And I'm not going to try to get that way. My son is too young, I'd have to hire a nanny since I'd end up on bed rest. I'm having too much fun with him and don't want him to have to share his toddler time with a little baby who will need me more than he does. I want him to continue to be the center of the world for a while longer.

And yet I'm still sad. I keep walking past the bathroom willing myself to see the faintest vertical line turning that negative minus into a plus.

   [ posted  @ 11:07 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
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  Comments about my post, "":
I have tested many times in my life, in the early days wanting a negative and then willing to sell my soul for a positive. It is a shock to the system when you find yourself getting what you wanted but then not being completely happy about it at the same time.
Part of me thinks I might welcome an OOPS because that would take all of the pressure of making decisions out of my hands. It would be a bridge that we would have come to and so then must deal with, rather than speculate about it hypothetically.
I am glad your little man will get all of those benefits you want him to have right now.
I am sorry that you are sad.

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