Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Happy F*@!$ing Mother's Day!

Mr. W just informed me that we are going to his parents' for the weekend. Where his dad wants to grill steaks for mother's day...you know...to celebrate my mother-in-law's 60th birthday AND mother's day for everyone appropriate. Except that in the EIGHT years I have known him, I have eaten neither pork nor red meat and only began eating poultry again AFTER my son was born and then very infrequently.

Then again, my father-in-law calls me Cindy on a regular basis. My name is not Cindy. Not even close.

If I was weepy and whiny earlier today...yeah...I think it's going to be a while before I can pull out of this funk.

[ posted @ 9:32 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (2) ]
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Part of me would want to tell my DH to go and have a good time but it was going to be without me. Geez...do you get a say on *your* mother's day? ;-)

[ Permalink ] posted by Lori : 4:29 PM

Boy, are we married to the same man? Only difference seems to be that my in-laws are divorced and both remarried, so I get twice the fun.
The only redeeming quality of this year's mother's day?
It's over.

[ Permalink ] posted by angrymama : 4:46 PM

A Family of Three

Over the last several days I have come to realize that mine will be a family of three. It's what my husband wants. It's what all the grandparents want. And, while not exactly what *I* want...well, one can't do it alone.

We had a barbecue after the walk on Sunday and one of our NICU neighbors was there. The mom is again pregnant, just entering the second trimester. I sent her home with my Boppy pregnancy pillow and my snoogle pillow. She was grateful but asked if I was sure. I told her that I didn't need them right now -- at which point Mr. W said with certainty "We don't need them again EVER."

And that was pretty much the end of any hopes that I had that I might convince him to have a second child. He has no desire to do it. He just can't. And of course with everything going on with Jen, and my stupidity at relaying that horrifying information to the Mr., adoption is not going to happen either. Though to be honest, I don't think he was ever there.

Basically, he saidthat he felt a need to have a child...and now he has A child. He did not feel the need to have children. Sure, before the, er, issues he assumed we would have children -- but that isn't the hand we were dealt. He feels that he battled through our fertility issues, we won, and now it's over.

My only option for having another child is to have a different father for them. Of course, I love my husband, my son and our life together. I don't want that to go away just to satisfy my desire (or is it need?) to have another child.

And so somehow I have to accept that I will have an only child. I have to stop being saddened as I give away my maternity clothes, my baby items that the lowercase has outgrown. I have to stop crying when I read about other bloggers second pregnancies or my real-life friends pregnancies. (NOTE TO AARON: That doesn't include you -- your impending parenthood has me thoroughly excited even if you did pass on a Y chromosome!) Mainly what upsets me is the people who have readily admitted to me that they don't enjoy being a parent or who aren't (in my opinion) good at parenting who are either currently pregnant or planning when the next pregnancy will occur. It's just hard for me.

I think that's a big part of why my blogging has become so infrequent. I have nothing new to say. I am over the moon happy with the family that I have. So happy that I can't imagine not doing this again because seriously -- with a son like mine, who wouldn't do it again? And yet trying to wrap my head around the prospect of never again. No more babies. Not for me.

Somehow I feel that makes me sound like a total ingrate. I know that when I was in the midst of it all, I just wanted to smack so many of the secondary infertiles that I read because they didn't understand how lucky they were to have succeeded even once. Of course there were others who I knew truly got it and I felt no ill will toward them. In retrospect, I'm sure that none of them were anything but grateful for their children and that they, like me, were just so in love with their children that they couldn't imagine never doing it again. And while I can't say that I'm in the same category as those with true secondary infertility...

And that is why I don't write. Those going through it for the first time will think I'm horrible. And I'm *not* in the same category as those who are experiencing secondary infertility. I'm in a state of limbo...doing nothing.

Though I personally have made the decision that I'm not going to do anything to prevent a pregnancy. Which basically just means that I will not personally be responsible for any kind of birth control. My husband on the other hand is doing everything HE can to prevent it. I only wish he could truly listen to me and my reasons for wanting more children. Sadly, he can't. He can only hear his own reasons for NOT wanting more children...and those are reasons that *I* can't hear.

[ posted @ 2:52 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (5) ]
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I'm so sorry. I can hear the pain in your post. Do you think that Mr. W's feelings about (not) having more children stems from fear about going through everything again? That fear can be a very strong thing.

In any case, I hope you find some sort of peace. You obviously love your family very much and I'm sure the stress of this is hard on you.

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 12:38 PM

I am so very sorry. I know this has been a very big struggle for you.
I totally understand your position of a semi-secondary infertile. Back before we started TTC I spent over two years trying to convince T that we weren't getting any younger and my Endo wasn't going to wait around while he decided he was ready. I felt that was my first hurdle to overcome on my journey to parenthood. We were not on the same page, and in my opinion, not even in the same library. That is very difficult place to be in a marriage, even when you are happy with your spouse in all other respects. I hope that in time you both find a common ground.
In the meantime, enjoy your beautiful family and your new house.

[ Permalink ] posted by Mere : 1:41 PM

I just happened across your blog and feel like I could have written it myself. I too have one child ( always thought I would have a lot more). I truly feel for you and wanted to let you know you are not alone. Infertility ( ANY type) is an all consuming joy snatcher. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. That I "get" that you love your son more than anything and at times feel guilty for pining away for more children to fill your heart and your womb.
I hope your husband comes around and that your get your dream of becoming a family of four!

[ Permalink ] posted by Unknown : 11:25 AM

I hear what you are saying about seeing other people with kids who you feel aren't good parents. I get really excited when my friends get pregnant because I feel like I'm surrounded (at playgroups and meetings) by parents who whine about their children but talk about how they want more. Like it's a competition to see who can have the most as opposed to seeing who could be the best parent. I'm sorry that your husband and you disagree on the number of children you want but I'm glad that for now you respect each other's decision. I think it's horrible to see parent out there who have no idea what they are doing and fail to try to improve themselves but have the ability to breed over and over...okay end rant.

[ Permalink ] posted by Anonymous : 11:17 PM

I'm so sorry that you and he are on opposite sides of the spectrum in this. While I know we're not getting any younger, maybe with a bit more time, he'll start to change his feelings? Oh what am I saying? If he's anything like mine, his mind is set and that's that...and I'm sorry that this is his mindset. If there's ever anything I can do to help you find peace in this, just say the word. You've been a friend lo these many years and I wish there was more I could say or do about this :-(

[ Permalink ] posted by Dee : 12:15 AM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

This past weekend was our local March of Dimes WalkAmerica. We were an Ambassador Family this year and the lowercase and I were involved in the planning committee.

My parents came from the midwest to walk with us. My mom's arthritis was bothering her a bit and at one point she was crying from the pain in her knee. When we asked if she wanted to stop and take the bus back to the start point she said, "That little boy didn't give up. Neither will I."

And I can't think of a better reason to walk or to donate to the cause. If those tiny little babies are going to fight for their lives, shouldn't we all be fighting for them just as hard?

(More later -- my sadness over getting rid of all maternity clothes and pregnancy-related items, the possibility that my sister-in-law could be delivering her 3rd child 6 weeks early due to extreme hypertension, and the fact that my house is so darned quiet today with everyone gone home or to work)

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