Miss W -->

   Wednesday, May 09, 2007  

A Family of Three

Over the last several days I have come to realize that mine will be a family of three. It's what my husband wants. It's what all the grandparents want. And, while not exactly what *I* want...well, one can't do it alone.

We had a barbecue after the walk on Sunday and one of our NICU neighbors was there. The mom is again pregnant, just entering the second trimester. I sent her home with my Boppy pregnancy pillow and my snoogle pillow. She was grateful but asked if I was sure. I told her that I didn't need them right now -- at which point Mr. W said with certainty "We don't need them again EVER."

And that was pretty much the end of any hopes that I had that I might convince him to have a second child. He has no desire to do it. He just can't. And of course with everything going on with Jen, and my stupidity at relaying that horrifying information to the Mr., adoption is not going to happen either. Though to be honest, I don't think he was ever there.

Basically, he saidthat he felt a need to have a child...and now he has A child. He did not feel the need to have children. Sure, before the, er, issues he assumed we would have children -- but that isn't the hand we were dealt. He feels that he battled through our fertility issues, we won, and now it's over.

My only option for having another child is to have a different father for them. Of course, I love my husband, my son and our life together. I don't want that to go away just to satisfy my desire (or is it need?) to have another child.

And so somehow I have to accept that I will have an only child. I have to stop being saddened as I give away my maternity clothes, my baby items that the lowercase has outgrown. I have to stop crying when I read about other bloggers second pregnancies or my real-life friends pregnancies. (NOTE TO AARON: That doesn't include you -- your impending parenthood has me thoroughly excited even if you did pass on a Y chromosome!) Mainly what upsets me is the people who have readily admitted to me that they don't enjoy being a parent or who aren't (in my opinion) good at parenting who are either currently pregnant or planning when the next pregnancy will occur. It's just hard for me.

I think that's a big part of why my blogging has become so infrequent. I have nothing new to say. I am over the moon happy with the family that I have. So happy that I can't imagine not doing this again because seriously -- with a son like mine, who wouldn't do it again? And yet trying to wrap my head around the prospect of never again. No more babies. Not for me.

Somehow I feel that makes me sound like a total ingrate. I know that when I was in the midst of it all, I just wanted to smack so many of the secondary infertiles that I read because they didn't understand how lucky they were to have succeeded even once. Of course there were others who I knew truly got it and I felt no ill will toward them. In retrospect, I'm sure that none of them were anything but grateful for their children and that they, like me, were just so in love with their children that they couldn't imagine never doing it again. And while I can't say that I'm in the same category as those with true secondary infertility...

And that is why I don't write. Those going through it for the first time will think I'm horrible. And I'm *not* in the same category as those who are experiencing secondary infertility. I'm in a state of limbo...doing nothing.

Though I personally have made the decision that I'm not going to do anything to prevent a pregnancy. Which basically just means that I will not personally be responsible for any kind of birth control. My husband on the other hand is doing everything HE can to prevent it. I only wish he could truly listen to me and my reasons for wanting more children. Sadly, he can't. He can only hear his own reasons for NOT wanting more children...and those are reasons that *I* can't hear.

   [ posted  @ 2:52 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (5) ]
   [ E-mail this Post ]

  Comments about my post, "A Family of Three":
I'm so sorry. I can hear the pain in your post. Do you think that Mr. W's feelings about (not) having more children stems from fear about going through everything again? That fear can be a very strong thing.

In any case, I hope you find some sort of peace. You obviously love your family very much and I'm sure the stress of this is hard on you.
I am so very sorry. I know this has been a very big struggle for you.
I totally understand your position of a semi-secondary infertile. Back before we started TTC I spent over two years trying to convince T that we weren't getting any younger and my Endo wasn't going to wait around while he decided he was ready. I felt that was my first hurdle to overcome on my journey to parenthood. We were not on the same page, and in my opinion, not even in the same library. That is very difficult place to be in a marriage, even when you are happy with your spouse in all other respects. I hope that in time you both find a common ground.
In the meantime, enjoy your beautiful family and your new house.
I just happened across your blog and feel like I could have written it myself. I too have one child ( always thought I would have a lot more). I truly feel for you and wanted to let you know you are not alone. Infertility ( ANY type) is an all consuming joy snatcher. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. That I "get" that you love your son more than anything and at times feel guilty for pining away for more children to fill your heart and your womb.
I hope your husband comes around and that your get your dream of becoming a family of four!
I hear what you are saying about seeing other people with kids who you feel aren't good parents. I get really excited when my friends get pregnant because I feel like I'm surrounded (at playgroups and meetings) by parents who whine about their children but talk about how they want more. Like it's a competition to see who can have the most as opposed to seeing who could be the best parent. I'm sorry that your husband and you disagree on the number of children you want but I'm glad that for now you respect each other's decision. I think it's horrible to see parent out there who have no idea what they are doing and fail to try to improve themselves but have the ability to breed over and over...okay end rant.
I'm so sorry that you and he are on opposite sides of the spectrum in this. While I know we're not getting any younger, maybe with a bit more time, he'll start to change his feelings? Oh what am I saying? If he's anything like mine, his mind is set and that's that...and I'm sorry that this is his mindset. If there's ever anything I can do to help you find peace in this, just say the word. You've been a friend lo these many years and I wish there was more I could say or do about this :-(

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
February 2010
May 2010
June 2010
March 2011
April 2011
August 2011

A Little Pregnant
Barren Mare
Broken or Not
Chez Miscarriage
Fractured Fairytale
Here Be Hippogriffs
Horkin Ramblings
Never Ever Late
One Pink Line
The RE's Muse
Scrambled Eggs
So Close
Uncommon Misconception
The Unproductive Reproductive
Wasted Birth Control

[=Powered By=]

[=Designed By=]

Customized by Miss W
Scripts / Code by "Mr. W"

Send Miss W. E-Mail!