Wednesday, May 09, 2007
A Family of Three
Over the last several days I have come to realize that mine will be a family of three. It's what my husband wants. It's what all the grandparents want. And, while not exactly what *I* want...well, one can't do it alone.
We had a barbecue after the walk on Sunday and one of our NICU neighbors was there. The mom is again pregnant, just entering the second trimester. I sent her home with my Boppy pregnancy pillow and my snoogle pillow. She was grateful but asked if I was sure. I told her that I didn't need them right now -- at which point Mr. W said with certainty "We don't need them again EVER."
And that was pretty much the end of any hopes that I had that I might convince him to have a second child. He has no desire to do it. He just can't. And of course with everything going on with Jen, and my stupidity at relaying that horrifying information to the Mr., adoption is not going to happen either. Though to be honest, I don't think he was ever there.
Basically, he saidthat he felt a need to have a child...and now he has A child. He did not feel the need to have children. Sure, before the, er, issues he assumed we would have children -- but that isn't the hand we were dealt. He feels that he battled through our fertility issues, we won, and now it's over.
My only option for having another child is to have a different father for them. Of course, I love my husband, my son and our life together. I don't want that to go away just to satisfy my desire (or is it need?) to have another child.
And so somehow I have to accept that I will have an only child. I have to stop being saddened as I give away my maternity clothes, my baby items that the lowercase has outgrown. I have to stop crying when I read about other bloggers second pregnancies or my real-life friends pregnancies. (NOTE TO AARON: That doesn't include you -- your impending parenthood has me thoroughly excited even if you did pass on a Y chromosome!) Mainly what upsets me is the people who have readily admitted to me that they don't enjoy being a parent or who aren't (in my opinion) good at parenting who are either currently pregnant or planning when the next pregnancy will occur. It's just hard for me.
I think that's a big part of why my blogging has become so infrequent. I have nothing new to say. I am over the moon happy with the family that I have. So happy that I can't imagine not doing this again because seriously -- with a son like mine, who wouldn't do it again? And yet trying to wrap my head around the prospect of never again. No more babies. Not for me.
Somehow I feel that makes me sound like a total ingrate. I know that when I was in the midst of it all, I just wanted to smack so many of the secondary infertiles that I read because they didn't understand how lucky they were to have succeeded even once. Of course there were others who I knew truly got it and I felt no ill will toward them. In retrospect, I'm sure that none of them were anything but grateful for their children and that they, like me, were just so in love with their children that they couldn't imagine never doing it again. And while I can't say that I'm in the same category as those with true secondary infertility...
And that is why I don't write. Those going through it for the first time will think I'm horrible. And I'm *not* in the same category as those who are experiencing secondary infertility. I'm in a state of limbo...doing nothing.
Though I personally have made the decision that I'm not going to do anything to prevent a pregnancy. Which basically just means that I will not personally be responsible for any kind of birth control. My husband on the other hand is doing everything HE can to prevent it. I only wish he could truly listen to me and my reasons for wanting more children. Sadly, he can't. He can only hear his own reasons for NOT wanting more children...and those are reasons that *I* can't hear.
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