This morning I decided to take the lowercase to church on my own. Normally, if the Mr. and I can't both go, we skip it. I had no idea how difficult it would be to keep him in check on my own. Of course, there is the whole church nursery thing and in theory that would be a good option. But in practice? Not so much. So he sits with us during the service.
The topic of today's sermon was surrendering to God. It's something that I struggle with. I just can't ever bring myself to fully turn things over to Him. The easiest way to describe it is that I ask for help but then say screw it and try to do it myself. Obviously, this isn't a healthy way to live.
For those of you who aren't Christians, that might not seem like a big deal -- the inability to rely on something that isn't there*. But it's not a problem that is exclusive to my relationship with Jesus.
It's something that I've struggled with all my life -- trusting someone else enough to surrender control to them. I could never do it in my entire academic career. Group projects literally made me ill. I would panic at the mere mention that I might have to work in conjunction with someone else. In one of my college science courses we were assigned to groups for paper writing. Since I write a mean term paper (really -- I do -- my writings here wouldn't show it but research papers, grants, etc. -- that's my forte!), I volunteered to write every paper. My group members simply had to collect the research, become an expert on whatever portion of the topic they were assigned to and teach it to me so that I could write our papers.
In personal relationships I tend to be the same way. I need to be in control of so much. I can't surrender control to anyone unless I absolutely have to. I have to be in charge, I have to surmount obstacles and WIN at all costs.
I think this is my biggest flaw, my Achilles heel. Admitting it is difficult. Unfortunately, in order to overcome this, I'd need help...which I can't bring myself to ask for because I MUST CONQUER this. Vicious cycle, no? My need to control and succeed on my own prevents me from working on that flawed area of my person.
*In the opinion of the non-Christian; obviously I would disagree with that statement.