I don't know if it's common or not, but Mr. W and I tend to have more serious conversations when we're away from home. I don't know if it's the neutral territory or if it's simply that we are removed from the distractions of our everyday life that allows this, only that I am grateful for those conversations. I can actually understand better where he's coming from (and let's face it -- I just love talking!).
Over the last two days, I think I might actually understand his hesitation on having more children and the limitations he's placed on our search for a surrogate.
Mr. W is not an overly religious man. He grew up in a Jewish family -- a family who will readily tell you that they don't view their Judaism as a religion so much as an ethnicity. After Mr. W's bar mitzvah, they entirely stopped going to temple. They didn't celebrate holidays in their own home and had stopped going to holidays at the homes of other family members (except for Christmas which they celebrated with his maternal grandmother...no prayers, no discussion of the religious nature of that holiday, simply a family meal and presents opened near a tree).
He is a Christian now and has been for just over 10 years. He does believe, but because of his upbringing has a hard time getting the personal relationship with God thing. His faith basically is such that he believes what the Bible says, accepts that Christ died for him, and as a result he goes to church with me on Sundays. The end. It's no more personal than that for him.
Which is why I was kind of taken aback by what he told me regarding the future of our family.
When I lost each of the first three babies, he prayed every day that this time would be the time it all worked out ok. And then came the fourth pregnancy and things seemed to be going in the right direction. When the lowercase was born so early, his prayer became that our son would make it. He bargained with God. He asked for just this one miracle, just this one little boy to be alright. And he was.
So now Mr. W feels that maybe we've gotten all that God is willing for us to have. He's afraid to try to push further and go beyond what God wants.
Of course, I can understand where he's coming from. However, I have a different relationship with God. A relationship where I understand that He knows my heart...He knows my human nature will lead me to say "just this once...just this..." and, like any parent, He knows that I can't truly never ask for anything again (just as I know that my own son will ask me for another cookie after he finishes the "I just want one moooooore!" cookie I already gave him). I think that God knows what we want and makes decisions based on what is best for us, not what we say when we're begging.
I suppose that is why Mr. W has said that he wants us to find a surrogate that we know who will volunteer. This way it isn't us going above and beyond to add to our family. He feels like if someone volunteers, then it's God saying to him "It's ok...Look, I've made it easy for you."
I don't know. I think he's wrong about tempting God by going back on what we said while begging for a child and later the life of our tiny son. But I suppose that I can't argue against the thought that if it is truly meant to be, that God will find a way to make it happen for us.
(Which isn't to say that I'm not a firm believer in God helping those who are willing to help themselves. Consider this me helping myself: Do we know you? Do you want to help us out? Any takers?)