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   Thursday, April 17, 2008  

This is all so hard!

As much as it bothered me when Mr. W and I weren't on the same page, it's killing me now that we are.

Even leading up to the birth of the lowercase, I was always the one responsible for doing all of the research involved.  Or rather, he wasn't going to do any research, so if I wanted information, I had to be the one to go after it.  What can I say, that arrangement generally works for us.  I'm the type who needs to be doing something, so looking for useful information (anecdotal or scientific) is right up my alley.  And since Mr. W is the type who won't make a decision without being briefed on all the pertinent information (such a manager, that one!), we make a good team.

But now...well...now it's actually kind of painful for me.  I didn't think it would be like this.  Granted it's nothing compared to the pain of 2004 and early 2005.  Still, I didn't expect this since we have the lowercase.

I guess what makes it worse is that I do feel like by wanting another child, I'm saying that the lowercase isn't enough.  That he is in some way lacking.  That couldn't be further from the truth of how I feel about him, yet somehow it does feel ungrateful to want more.

I dunno.  Maybe the reason I'm so down today is that I took an Acadia out for a test drive and Mr. W and I were looking at it in terms of fitting in more car seats and strollers should we need them some time in the next five years.  Maybe it's because a fellow preemie mom said to me that she would gladly carry for us if her first baby hadn't come early for reasons nobody can quite figure out.  Maybe it's because later in the afternoon, my epileptic friend said that if her in utero exposure to her medication wasn't the likely culprit of her son's autism that she would carry for us.  And maybe it's because all of it today just makes me so damned mad at my body.  My body that just can't do this one thing that is all I've ever really wanted -- to be a mom with a large family.  A house overflowing with children and love.

   [ posted  @ 8:27 PM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (4) ]
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  Comments about my post, "This is all so hard!":
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting another child, regardless of the fact that the lowercase is perfect! Don't give up hope.
Of course you're not ungrateful. In fact, it's BECAUSE the lowercase brings you so much joy, BECAUSE you are so grateful to have him, that you want to have another child and add to that joy.

I completely understand the anger at your body--been there--but maybe try to think of it as, carrying a child is, at the end of the day, such a small fraction of motherhood. You have your love-filled home already, and hopefully you'll have it filled with children soon too.
I remember when the husband and I were discussing whether or not to have another child, and I remember thinking that it wouldn't be fair to J; that we'd be taking attention and love away from her and, while she'd be none the wiser for it, I would know. At the same time, she was so wonderful, so fun, so lovely and loving, that, well geez, wouldn't it be great to have another experience like this, another person even half as wonderful as her? That was a no brainer.

It is neither greedy, ungrateful, or anything else to want another child. Like electriclady said, it is exactly the fact that the lowercase brings so much good into your life that it is only natural for you to want to add to that joy.

I'm sorry for your frustration recently, I know this can't be easy (dammit) for you. I'm hoping for you and wishing there was more I could do to help you.
One of the biggest reasons I have for wanting to add to our family is so that Azure will be able to grow up with a sibling. I want for her what I did not have.
I am pleasantly surprised having checked in on you after being gone a while. Yay for progress, no matter how mind-boggling!!!

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