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Thursday, August 21, 2008
Agreement
It turns out that Mr. W and I were looking at things from a different perspective. He didn't want to schedule an appointment with the potential RE because we don't yet know exactly how our cash situation is going to shake out by the end of the year. He was afraid we would get started and not have the money to follow through. Conversely, I wanted to have the appointment to discuss the situation, what our treatment needs would be and have them evaluate our insurance policy so that we could know what our cost for the medical portion would be. Mr. W is supposed to be combining his work schedule, his personal schedule, and the lowercase/my schedules over the weekend and supplying me with a printout next week. Once that's in my hands...well, I guess I'll be calling the doc at the clinic closest to our home that is willing to handle surrogacies!
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Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Frustration
I swear, I just do not always get Mr. W! Much as I try, the man just does not always make sense to me. The conversation that we had on the way home from our vacation is a perfect example of this. (Aside: It was a full week. WITH HIS MOTHER. Dear God!) We were discussing surrogacy, as we frequently do. I was bored and was reading blogs and message board posts on the topic on my iPhone. I commented that more and more I'm reading about 6-month quarantines on sperm and said that if we wanted to do this in the winter and if either of the clinics that I've found that have said they would work with us required that, it would mean that we should get our records to them and start the ball rolling with the doctors now. He doesn't want to. He says that he's got enough stuff going on with work, obligations, etc. and with it being a new job that he has to establish himself with and the fact that his company is extremely close to landing a huge deal (the deal that makes it a definite that we have the money to pursue the surrogacy in the first place) he just can't be certain of a time that he's available to even go to appointments this fall. Plus, if for some reason we don't have the money to go through with it, he doesn't want to get it started only to have to stop. I can sort of see that, except that, well, if we are going to have the money to do it in the winter, we kind of have to have our ducks in a row to do it this winter. My point on it all is that we need to meet with the clinic, be certain that they do want to work with us (surrogacy laws in NYS being what they are, clinics who will transfer to a surrogate are few and far between!), determine if we are comfortable with the doctors there, and have them examine our insurance to give us a real-life estimate of the costs we will incur for the RE's portion of the surrogacy. Just frustrated with that and deep in the baby lust after spending a day with the mothers of two of Timmy's friends and their 8-10 month old second children. I swear, there is nothing like holding a beautiful bouncy baby in your lap to kick the ovaries into hyperdrive.
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Monday, August 18, 2008
Reason number 857,000,000 why you should not smoke
We had a large gathering of Mr. W's former co-workers on our patio for lunch today. Two of the smokers stepped off the patio into the grass to smoke. One of them was near the driveway and has said that he stamped his cigarette out on the pavement, picked it up when it cooled and took it with him to dispose. (Very considerate since we are not smokers and don't allow it in our home) The other was smoking near the edge of the patio...the patio that is lined with shrubs, cedar mulch and a container garden of tomatoes and peppers. As we were making the decision to cook dinner at home rather than going out, Mr. W looked out the window. At 6 pm, the mulch surrounding our patio was smoking heavily, blackened and the rising wind was causing small flames to lick up closer and closer to our home. New house rule: Don't smoke inside, don't smoke outside. You want to do it? Go stand in the street!  
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Uneasy
I have too many thoughts swirling for a coherent post right now. I'm feeling quite uneasy on so many fronts right now. The best explanation is that I have a general feeling of upset without one clear cause to point to and say, "Yes, this is my issue." As always, I'm feeling that my willingness to go to extreme measures for another child somehow informs a dissatisfaction, at worst, or an ungratefulness, at best, for what I have in my family of three. Except that I am happy with my family just as it is. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this desire will be perceived as such when it's simply not how I feel. And, as always, I'm feeling angry with both myself for worrying about the perceptions of others in this and the situation for making me have to have the concerns at all. I've been re-evaluating my views on life, trying to find some sort of biblical reference for guidance, and coming up short as this is a rather brave new world of medicine (Note to self: Dig out copy of Brave New World; re-read. Such a good book!) This is strictly my issue and one that I don't expect everyone (or for that matter anyone) to agree with me on. I've always been, for the most part, what I would describe as "pro life." This does not mean just the life of unborn babies; this also includes the life of the mother. I cannot presume to know the difficulties of making decisions that women are forced to make on that issue every day nor how I would feel if I were to have to make those decisions. I hold these beliefs because I feel that God allows pregnancy when he wants to create a life -- that it is a life from the moment of conception and should be treated the same as any other life. (This is also why I will never be on a jury where the death penalty is an option. I guarantee that I will hang a jury on that one because regardless of crime, I can never be responsible for making a decision that the life of another should be taken.) So, to bring this around to my original point, I don't know how I feel about using ART. This all started with the horrible woman who wrote about Tertia as an "IVF Monster." I strongly disagree with her on that front. I am angered as a woman, a Christian, and a mother that anyone could say such a thing! But it got me thinking about my own beliefs. If I believe life begins at conception, at the meeting of sperm and egg, and if I know that I am only going to do this a maximum of 2 transfers or 1 successful pregnancy, whichever comes first, then what of the other lives that we don't allow to live? What of any remaining embryos? Am I essentially destroying life if I don't use them? I can't quite figure out what I feel about that. Having used birth control, I am not so naive as to think that I have never had a fertilized egg that failed to implant that I had no knowledge of -- nor do I think of those as deaths (not the case with early miscarriages or known chemical pregnancies). I've never viewed an IUD as a method of destroying life despite the fact that their sole purpose is to prevent the implantation of fertilized eggs. I'm leaning toward life beginning a conception where conception means "fertilization AND implantation in the womb." But I question my change to this belief (from "sperm meets egg") as merely my way of justifying what I want to do in order to have another child. So...uneasy. What is your opinion on the matter? Only answer if you can do so politely without saying that any other opinion is wrong -- simply tell me what you believe for YOU and why. If your opinion, as mine is, is based in your religious beliefs, I'd be interested in knowing how that plays in -- Christians with biblical references would be appreciated, as well as other religions and teachings on life that would influence such decisions. If you don't have any thoughts about any of the above...what about donor gametes? In searching for others' opinions on the topic of surrogacy and ART, I've come across many that view traditional surrogacy and donor gametes as being essentially "cheating" on one's spouse (I don't see that one, but...ok). I also talked with a friend who said that she would go all or none -- either genetically the child of both herself and her husband or have a child through adoption with no genetic tie to either parent. Give me some opinions. Give me something to think about. (Don't for a minute think that I'm totally second-guessing our decision to go forward with this. This is just one thing for me to obsess about during the not-totally-matched-with-a-surrogate-but-moving-that-way and therefore not able to move forward with anything else phase.)
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Sunday, August 03, 2008
A low place
I'm feeling a bit down today. Partially because I'm realizing that a friend really isn't much of one. Yesterday we were at a party and there were several things that happened, some that I didn't know about until later, thankfully. The friend I've written about several times -- the one with the autistic son -- was there with her family. As soon as they walked in, I noticed that her son was hitting and kicking my son, but his mom was right there and I thought she was doing something about it so I said nothing then. The hosts of the party have a cat -- now, we have 2 cats in our home so my son doesn't understand that not all cats are interested in the love and attention of a 2 year old (not that our cats actually enjoy it much themselves). Both boys climbed on the couch and, as 2 year old boys are, were extremely wiggly and giggly as they jockeyed for position towards the cat. The lowercase was closer and reached toward the cat. Mind you, the other boy obviously wanted to do the same thing -- the lowercase was just closer. The cat wanted nothing to do with either of them and swatted at the lowercase leaving a tiny scratch. Our host moved her cat away in order to protect both the boys and her cat. Immediately, the other boy smacked my son in the head. Repeatedly. When they got down, he pushed him. His mother's only answer, "He's mad at your son for making HIS kitty go away." This went on for the entire 4 hours at the party. Her son hitting, kicking or shoving mine and neither she nor her husband would do anything about it but point out it was my son's fault he was doing it. That alone is frustrating, but there was more. I've written about her current pregnancy and the fact that her medication is a known teratogen. At her first ultrasound, she found out she is having twins. She made several totally boneheaded comments about this that, frankly, I found revolting. She knows my situation. Further, she knows that the hosts of the party are currently undergoing testing for their infertility. She talked about her sickness, how she can't be around strange animals, how she couldn't eat any of the cheeses on the platter since they were soft cheeses, and how she's certain both babies are still alive because she "feels movement on both sides." She is 9 weeks along. I somehow don't think that she is feeling any movement, let alone movements that would be distinctly coming from one versus the other. She talked about names for her kids. She joked that "if they are conjoined I'll call it..." And, finally, she said to the hosts that they could "just lease one of ours because 3 kids..." I only wish I was joking. She offered to lease them one of her children. In the car on the way home, Mr. W told me one last thing that was said in another room where he was talking to her and her husband. We ordered our new car back in June. Unfortunately, GM has delayed production of new SUVs, so we're still waiting. She asked if we really did buy one since it wasn't here yet. He explained the reasons. She then said, "Yeah...because you need something that large -- what with all the babies you're going to have." Now, we have many reasons for buying an SUV that seats 8, one of them being the potential that if the surrogacy plan works out, there is a chance we could have twins and I will not buy a new car that I need now only to have to trade it in for a larger car (though the fact that we travel by car multiple times a year to visit family and are tired of having NO SPARE ROOM in the car is the primary reason). Mr. W gave her a look, at which point she said, "Well, I know this whole fairy tale she has about having a surrogate is just a pipe dream and is never going to happen. It's ridiculous, but I listen when she talks about it because that's the nice thing to do." Thank God for Mr. W -- He looked her in the eye and said, "Actually, it is. You know she's talking to someone now and while it might not be her and it might not be right away, it almost definitely IS going to happen." If you add up all the boneheaded and insensitive things she has said to me over the years, the constancy of her son hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, and otherwise abusing my son with her either blaming my son directly or saying that my son just needs to act differently around her son because of his autism and he wouldn't do those things, the cavalier things she said to and in front of our other friends who are dealing with some serious emotions in terms of their own family building...well, I've just had it. I'm so done. There is only so much that you can excuse and put aside as someone being clueless. I'm at the point where, frankly, she should be held accountable for those things. It's time for me to take a break from her...to just...remove her from my life for quite a while. Because I'm all in.
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