I'm feeling a bit down today. Partially because I'm realizing that a friend really isn't much of one. Yesterday we were at a party and there were several things that happened, some that I didn't know about until later, thankfully.
The friend I've written about several times -- the one with the autistic son -- was there with her family. As soon as they walked in, I noticed that her son was hitting and kicking my son, but his mom was right there and I thought she was doing something about it so I said nothing then.
The hosts of the party have a cat -- now, we have 2 cats in our home so my son doesn't understand that not all cats are interested in the love and attention of a 2 year old (not that our cats actually enjoy it much themselves). Both boys climbed on the couch and, as 2 year old boys are, were extremely wiggly and giggly as they jockeyed for position towards the cat. The lowercase was closer and reached toward the cat. Mind you, the other boy obviously wanted to do the same thing -- the lowercase was just closer. The cat wanted nothing to do with either of them and swatted at the lowercase leaving a tiny scratch. Our host moved her cat away in order to protect both the boys and her cat. Immediately, the other boy smacked my son in the head. Repeatedly. When they got down, he pushed him. His mother's only answer, "He's mad at your son for making HIS kitty go away." This went on for the entire 4 hours at the party. Her son hitting, kicking or shoving mine and neither she nor her husband would do anything about it but point out it was my son's fault he was doing it.
That alone is frustrating, but there was more. I've written about her current pregnancy and the fact that her medication is a known teratogen. At her first ultrasound, she found out she is having twins. She made several totally boneheaded comments about this that, frankly, I found revolting. She knows my situation. Further, she knows that the hosts of the party are currently undergoing testing for their infertility. She talked about her sickness, how she can't be around strange animals, how she couldn't eat any of the cheeses on the platter since they were soft cheeses, and how she's certain both babies are still alive because she "feels movement on both sides." She is 9 weeks along. I somehow don't think that she is feeling any movement, let alone movements that would be distinctly coming from one versus the other. She talked about names for her kids. She joked that "if they are conjoined I'll call it..." And, finally, she said to the hosts that they could "just lease one of ours because 3 kids..." I only wish I was joking. She offered to lease them one of her children.
In the car on the way home, Mr. W told me one last thing that was said in another room where he was talking to her and her husband. We ordered our new car back in June. Unfortunately, GM has delayed production of new SUVs, so we're still waiting. She asked if we really did buy one since it wasn't here yet. He explained the reasons. She then said, "Yeah...because you need something that large -- what with all the babies you're going to have." Now, we have many reasons for buying an SUV that seats 8, one of them being the potential that if the surrogacy plan works out, there is a chance we could have twins and I will not buy a new car that I need now only to have to trade it in for a larger car (though the fact that we travel by car multiple times a year to visit family and are tired of having NO SPARE ROOM in the car is the primary reason). Mr. W gave her a look, at which point she said, "Well, I know this whole fairy tale she has about having a surrogate is just a pipe dream and is never going to happen. It's ridiculous, but I listen when she talks about it because that's the nice thing to do." Thank God for Mr. W -- He looked her in the eye and said, "Actually, it is. You know she's talking to someone now and while it might not be her and it might not be right away, it almost definitely IS going to happen."
If you add up all the boneheaded and insensitive things she has said to me over the years, the constancy of her son hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, and otherwise abusing my son with her either blaming my son directly or saying that my son just needs to act differently around her son because of his autism and he wouldn't do those things, the cavalier things she said to and in front of our other friends who are dealing with some serious emotions in terms of their own family building...well, I've just had it. I'm so done. There is only so much that you can excuse and put aside as someone being clueless. I'm at the point where, frankly, she should be held accountable for those things. It's time for me to take a break from her...to just...remove her from my life for quite a while. Because I'm all in.