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   Wednesday, October 15, 2008  

The depths

Am in hell today.  I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of people that I know who are either pregnant, having a baby very soon (one of them today), have already had the baby...just UGH!

And here I sit, perfectly capable of conceiving.  I've done it in 1-2 months EVERY TIME.  I wanted to be logical and safe and not go through the bed rest and the fear and the NICU.  I don't want to go back there.  I really, really don't.

But I so desperately want another baby and, frankly, that may be the only way it can happen.  And, you know, if I'm to be brutally honest, I really REALLY want to be pregnant again.  I want to be the one to feel that baby moving inside me.  I want him to know my heartbeat, my voice, my body from the instant of his birth.  I want that so badly.

Life just isn't fair.  If I do it that way, I'm sentencing my child to all the potential pitfalls of prematurity -- all the things that my poor lowercase had to fight through (and with flying colors!).  Except this time I would have to do it with a toddler...a perfect, wonderful little man that I would have to miss terribly while in the hospital for myself and to be with a sibling...a sibling that I would not be able to just drop everything and go sit with for hours and days at a clip as I did with the lowercase. 

I'm such a joy right now, all alone in my fucking pity party.

   [ posted  @ 11:18 AM ] [ Post a Comment ] [ View Comments (1) ]
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  Comments about my post, "The depths":
I really can't help but wonder if you'd be able to carry a bit further next time.

I'm sorry everyone's got what you want right now. That's really unfair and depressing.

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