Am in hell today. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of people that I know who are either pregnant, having a baby very soon (one of them today), have already had the baby...just UGH!
And here I sit, perfectly capable of conceiving. I've done it in 1-2 months EVERY TIME. I wanted to be logical and safe and not go through the bed rest and the fear and the NICU. I don't want to go back there. I really, really don't.
But I so desperately want another baby and, frankly, that may be the only way it can happen. And, you know, if I'm to be brutally honest, I really REALLY want to be pregnant again. I want to be the one to feel that baby moving inside me. I want him to know my heartbeat, my voice, my body from the instant of his birth. I want that so badly.
Life just isn't fair. If I do it that way, I'm sentencing my child to all the potential pitfalls of prematurity -- all the things that my poor lowercase had to fight through (and with flying colors!). Except this time I would have to do it with a toddler...a perfect, wonderful little man that I would have to miss terribly while in the hospital for myself and to be with a sibling...a sibling that I would not be able to just drop everything and go sit with for hours and days at a clip as I did with the lowercase.
I'm such a joy right now, all alone in my fucking pity party.