Sunday, December 21, 2008

Feeling down

I've been feeling pretty down lately and it's affecting so much of my life. It seems to all be baby related.
In November, we had a contraception failure and 2 days later I felt the recognizable pangs of ovulation. When my usual PMS symptoms started kicking in, I became convinced that I was pregnant. I finally tested when my period was about 5 days late. Of course it was negative. And a couple of days later, my period came heavier than usual. I was pretty upset, but also in some aspects, a bit relieved -- after all, my body and pregnancy don't go well together. Still, it had felt to me like some kind of divine intervention -- like maybe despite our best efforts it was meant to be and would all be alright. Obviously I was just looking for signs.
My new ob/gyn was supposed to be in touch with me this week after discussing my file with all of the specialists. I haven't heard from her yet. Of course, when she said she would call this week, I was a bit surprised as I didn't think she'd be able to get all of the information she was looking for in one week's time.
I started birth control last week for the first time since 2003. I am experiencing some of the common side effects, despite the fact that this is the same pill that I took then with no side effects whatsoever. It's also tough for me to take that I'm on the pill at all when what I want is another baby.
The lowercase has turned into a very typical 3 year old. Or maybe it's my overall level of frustration with my situation bleeding over into it. In any event, I've found him more annoying than endearing the last couple of days. And of course, every time he annoys me, I feel guilty for that, feel like I'm bad at mothering the child that I have and that I don't deserve another child anyway. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm a SAHM and don't ever have a break from him. If I'm in the bathroom, he joins me. If I go to take a bath, he's in at least 17 times to tell me something and reach in and splash the water. At night, he sleeps in his own bed (FINALLY!!!), but it's in my room, right beside my bed. Frequently when he's restless, he reaches up and holds my hand. It's actually really sweet, but...well...when do I get a break? I'm so excited for Christmas with my family this week -- I trust my parents to keep him and have every intention of leaving him for several hours one day just to get a few moments to breathe and hopefully pull myself together.
This morning I looked at the surrogacy message board I frequent. The woman who I had talked to for months and thought I was close to something with matched with someone else when she told me that I lived too far away (someone who does live in the same state she does, so her reason was valid despite her not being 100% open and telling me that part). They transferred this month. She got a positive pregnancy test this weekend. I can't help but feel really saddened by that...knowing that potentially, that could have been us -- we could have transferred this month (or next) and I could be the one having a really great Christmas. But, well...not this time.
And, even if it was me, that wouldn't have happened, because we would have had to back out or go into massive debt. Mr. W's company made enough money that we could have had a large profit check. But, well, the economy being what it is, he and his partner decided to take only the minimum that they had to by law and re-invest the rest back into his company. Our portion ended up being enough to buy a new pair of Uggs, a new macbook, and pay the taxes on the income. (I'm sure there's a bit left, but not a significant amount to actually do anything with) So, yeah, I'm upset as all hell because we won't have the chance of another large cash influx for 12 more months.
Yeah, I'm kind of down right now. Need to turn that around soon. I will NOT have a 2nd year where all I want to do all Christmas is cry because of my fertility issues. Christmas 2004, a month and a half after miscarriage #3 was bad -- I simply refuse to repeat that kind of Christmas. I'm living on the concept of "faking it" until it's real. So, once I get in the car for the drive to my parents, I will be smiling and happy on the outside regardless of how I feel inside. If for no other reason than that my son deserves to have a happy Christmas with smiling happy parents.

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