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   Thursday, January 29, 2009  


I don't have space for coherent thought.  I have been feeling very sick for the last couple of weeks, more so in the last week.  I have issues with indigestion.  Each night as I'm laying in bed, I feel tightness in my chest.  I fear that I'll vomit at every move by the time night rolls around.  I feel like I'm drowning in the stress of my life, and I feel guilt for feeling that way when so many others have it so much worse.

I'm worried about the surrogacy, when we'll get the money and how.  The huge deal that has been looming for my husband's company seems light years away one minute and like it will happen tomorrow the next.  The large corporation the deal is with is jerking them around big time.  With it, everything is good and we have money and no issues.  Without it, my husband and his partner have to start laying people off in November.  I worry about those people, their families, how that would affect them.  I worry about how it will affect our family.  The economy has hit my parents business hard -- they're in an area that will do well when things are good and will be the first area people start cutting when things are bad.  And things are bad.  I worry about them.  My mom was in the ER overnight due to blood pressure, a panic attack ... and all tests came back normal showing it was a physical reaction to the stress she's under.  That did nothing to lighten my personal stress load, and if anything increased it because now I am terrified about my mom's health.

One of my two cats has a horrible bacterial infection.  We have spent more money trying to get him healthy than I care to admit (including a one week stay in the vet hospital on IVs and tube feedings).  He's still not better.  We brought him home, he started getting worse again.  He's about to have an IV catheter inserted into one of his legs so he can get an insane and highly potent IV at home for 2-4 weeks.  He's also going to get the Z-Pack during that time.  Supposedly in conjunction those two things will cure the Pseudomonas.  Either way, it's going to be expensive and I feel guilty for worrying about the money aspect of it when I'm also terribly worried about his health.  And of course I'm also worried about the other (so far) healthy cat and whether or not he could catch this.  I'm worried about how I'll explain it to the lowercase if the cat doesn't get better.  I'm worried about how much (if any) pain the cat is in. 

I spoke to a friend this morning.  Her husband's company just did another round of cuts.  His department had been told they would be insulated from them.  They weren't.  Several people were let go yesterday.  Her husband wasn't one of them, thankfully, but he wasn't exactly spared.  They cut everyone's pay by 10%.  The company eliminated their dental and life insurance plans as well as decreasing the company contribution to their health insurance accounts.  And there is no guarantee that there won't be another round of layoffs next week or next month or tomorrow.  I'm extremely worried for and about them.  They have two gorgeous little boys, the older of whom was born the day before the lowercase and was his roommate in the isolette right beside ours.  I just can't bear to think of them in this situation.  I just can't.

I know that we're lucky.  We can still take care of our cat.  We can still do all of the things we need to in our daily lives (though we can't afford to add to our family in the safest way possible yet and are trying not to lose hope that we could in 6-12 months, but there is no guarantee that we can...if those big deals don't go through...)

My relationship with the lowercase is also suffering a bit because of it.  I love him, but my patience is shot.  I find myself frustrated more easily than normal -- and the fact that he's in a phase of pushing his boundaries and generally just exerting his will at all costs doesn't help.  (In my defense, Mr. W is also having greater difficulty dealing with him right now.)  I worry that it's not the lowercase sometimes but me, when clearly that isn't always the case.  So we've resorted to a lot of movies (Lightning McQueen is a lifesaver today!), lots of time outs, and as many activities as I can handle to keep him active and less likely to drive me over the edge.

Any ideas on reducing my worry and stress?  I just can't seem to separate out all of my worries for my future, for the people that I love so much and all that they are going through, and my guilt over being in a better financial position (at least right now) than they are.  I am making myself physically ill over it all.  Writing it down, talking about it with others...it just gets worse.  I can feel the tightness creeping into my chest even as I write this.  (One of my best qualities and biggest character flaws has always been caring more than is strictly healthy about others and intense empathy.  Usually it's a good thing.  Currently, it's just ripping me apart)  Suggestions (other than medicating it...I'm not comfortable with that and don't think I'm quite there...yet) are welcome and desperately needed!

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  Comments about my post, "Overwhelmed":
HUGS! I'm so sorry. It is very hard to be sensitive and caring in teh midst of this uncertian future. One thing I've done is to help at our churches homeless shelter. It doesn't fix everythign but I'm doing my best for as many as I can. Some how just knowing I'm doing what I can helps.

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